Best Day Ever...

So yesterday was September 29th, mine and Craig's 6th anniversary! Anniversaries have always been kind of random for us. Some anniversaries we've spent on wonderful cruises in exotic places and some anniversaries have been rock bottom like the year I broke my sternum a couple days before and I spend the day on the couch, on pain killers, and we ordered chinese delivery but the chinese girl thought our driveway went AROUND our house and she got her car stuck in the woods and my daddy yelled at her...yeah, that year we were really scrapping the bottom of the barrell...but regardless I always look forward to our anniversary even though we haven't always
had the best of luck.

This year was the first year that it seems like neither one of us put forth much effort. We had agreed not to get presents, that we would spend that money going out to eat and a movie, maybe this weekend. Craig had originally taken off but then we realized that Cooper had a doctor's appointment for vaccines (aka: tiny doses of death, see next post to follow...) and Craig had an algebra test in his night class SO he decided to just go to work. And I went to work. Then I picked up Cooper and let his mean aunt Tru-ey poke him FOUR times! Then Cooper and me just hung out at home. He was cranky and miserable and just wanted to be held which was fine with me so I sat on the couch and cuddled him for hours. We watched grey's anatomy on the computer then took a nap. Craig got home at about 9:30 and he took over Cooper duty, holding, playing, walking around so he didn't scream. I cooked hamburger helper and then we proceeded to have the BEST ANNIVERSARY EVER!

We sat on the couch, Cooper in between us and we took turns eating and feeding Cooper Doup. We feasted on hamburger helper and left over chips from Moe's and we watched a whole lot of Tina Fey. We watched her parody of Sarah Palin, which I want to go on record for saying I called the whole Tina/Sarah uncanny resemblence long before the nation caught on. I have the text message I sent out to prove it!

Sometime after midnight with Cooper in my arms and cuddled with Craig on the couch and tummy full of simple but GOOD food and two episodes of 30 Rock later I realized, this was exactly what I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. Wonderful husband, beautiful baby boy, house full of cats, a food that involves hamburger, noodles and cheese, funniest show ever...God is amazingly good! Reality hit me like a brick wall, that I love my life! What more could I ever ask for? So I reached over and kissed Craig and declared this the Very Best Anniversary Ever! Then I told him the only way he could ever out do himself next year is to make it happen on a cruise... : )

<><><><
shannon

FIREPROOF!!!

Never leave your partner behind...

Augh, finally the day I've been waiting on has arrived, the day Fireproof comes out! Kirk Cameron is Caleb Holt, firechief in what promises to be my new favorite movie! Did you see Facing the Giants? If not, go watch it right now! It is an absolutely amazing movie. There are no "stars", no "billion dollar budget" and I'm pretty sure it was all shot on location BUT it's story line, heart wrenching moments and absolute feeling of victory it will leave with you more than makes up for it's "budget quality". It starts a little slow but once you're into it, you're into and if you stick with it, you won't be disappointed!

Well Fireproof is coming from the same creators of Facing the Giants and OH MY GOSH the trailer blows me away! I've probably watched it a dozen times! I have what some might call OCD tendencies...

So pretty much I've looked forward to this movie since I first heard it was coming out and I even put on my day calendar "DATE WITH COOPER AND CRAIG TO SEE FIREPROOF", however at the beginning of the week I forgot what today was and Craig said he was going to help his mom move some things for her and so I stupidly volunteered to work tonight instead of Wednesday...UGH! Now Craig isn't going to help his mom because of the gas fiasco and we could have had the most awesome date ever (with Cooper too) BUT I had already signed up to work, FRICK!

So I checked the movie listings and it's not even playing in Dawsonville which means we would have to go all the way to Gainesville or Cumming and the latest it plays tonight is 9:45 so probably we wouldn't make it after I get off...and plus I would be smelling like a hamburger which probably doesn't say "greatest date ever"...But you better believe I will be there tomorrow! Maybe I'll go to a matinee and then go again tomorrow night. Seriously I'm obsessed...

So if you're off tonight and if you have no plans, (even if you do have plans, cancel them) and go see my movie! Do it for me.

Watch the trailer: http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/

Be amazed! If you don't get chills from this trailer...well...I'm just not sure we can be friends anymore...

Love,
Shannon
<><><><

Part Train Wreck, Part Pure Brilliant

David Blaine. I feel like that's what he is. Part of what he does is so completely stupid, horrifically pointless and so entirely parallel to a train wreck that I feel I must spend hours of my life that I'll never again get back watching him do things like live under water or hang upside down for days BUT then there's a tiny part of me that says, "dang, he's a genius!" I mean he comes up with outrageous stunts and then convinces millions of people including a major network to watch him. And I'm not sure who exactly pays him to do these things but I'm guessing someone does because you never hear about him missing work or using up all his sick days doing things like...hanging upside down for a week.

As we were watching the beginning of his newest adventure I kept having to walk over to Cooper and say "no, don't put the blanket over your head" as he was yet again trying to drive me insane and Craig was like, "hey, we have another David Blaine in the making! Look at him over there with his death defying breathing through the blanket stunt". So now, David Blaine's mom, I know how you feel!

White Trash is in the air...

Fall is my favorite time of year. Well...no actually Christmas is my very favorite time but fall kind of leads up to Christmas so it's almost as good because the anticipation of anything is usually better than what you've actually been waiting for...except when it's a baby and in that case the outcome is WAY WAY better than the waiting...


I think the word I'm looking for is ANYWAY...so I love fall! The weather is perfect, the air smells different, there are festivals and extravaganzas and caramel apples and bon fires and you know you're getting close to the holidays and OH MY GOSH it's just awesome!


Fall just makes you want to get outside! You want to do things like play football and rake leaves and drink hot chocolate on the porch...and apparently it makes some people want to shoot snakes...

I went over to trudy and ricky's house and this is what met me in the yard:

-trudy, ricky, gretchen and josh were huddled in a group inspecting something...it turned out it was gun...

-they had backed their truck up and were using the tail gate to hold beverages and bug spray...

-also the truck radio was playing...not just any station but a NASCAR RACE...

-they were target shooting in preparation for shooting snakes...something I recently found out my aunt is talented enough to do without leaving her porch...

-after careful deliberation it was decided that the target wasn't visible enough so trudy went and retrieved a huge piece of neon yellow poster board that had a large "YARD SALE" written on it that was left over from their latest selling endeavor...

-they then proceeded to shoot at the YARD SALE sign...

So to recap, truck radio, nascar race, target shooting...for snakes...with a YARD SALE sign...

I love fall!

Cooper 4 Months!

My sweet baby is turning into a sweet little boy!

Oh my gosh, at the changes I've noticed in just the last few weeks! You've always been good at holding your head up but now it's official, you need no help! We can for the most part carry you on our hip now which just makes you seem even more grownie!

You can hold on to toys and you reach for things now. You love books and you've started to show interest in a stuffed penguin! You reach for it and then grab it with both hands and then try to eat it's beak! You are completely adorable!

You used to have a cute little cry but as of late you've replaced that with sheer screaming...it's still pretty amusing...you're not crying at all, just mad and letting us know it!

Lately you've really been noticing your kitty cats...mostly to grab their fur and hold on tight. Poor little Dudley just keeps coming back for more. He wants to lay right beside you all the time and even when you reach over and grab handfuls of fur or when you take your tiny feet and kick as hard as you can, well, he just purs and keeps on laying there snuggled up against his tiny Coop!

We love you so much. At times it's almost overwhelming...

You love bath time! You get this excited look on your face and you just smile and smile when we put you in the water. It's really going to be great when you can sit up so that I can teach you to splash and play with your rubber ducky and all kinds of bath toys! Your gran and grandpa frosty and aunt bec bought you a huge rubber ducky blow up bath tub! You love it! Just think, in a few summers you'll be old enough to swimming in aunt trudy and uncle ricky's pool! How fun that will be!

It's hard to remember those first few days and even weeks now. They seem like an eternity away...And even though people say "they grow up too fast" I'm loving watching you grow! You are so much more fun now than even a month ago! I love it when you learn new things or make new noises or just anything that you do!

Your gran reminded me that 2 days ago was a year to the day that we found out about you...a whole year ago we had just found out about your existence! And now look at you! You laugh and play and babble and smile and coo and are completely amazing! This time last year your daddy and me were still in shock to hear that you were on your way but now we couldn't live without you! It's as if you've been a part of our lives forever...we were always meant to be a family! God used you to complete us!

Your mommy loves you, your daddy loves you and God loves you!

love you Cooper Man!
<><><><
your mommy

SOYBEANS AND DRANO SHOULD NEVER BE COMBINED

A quick rant for the road. I know I'm behind on blogs and believe me it's not for lack of having something to say. I have several in mind (for example 'A Death in the South' and 'A Little White Trash in the Air'-and yes, trudy, ricky, gretchen and josh this one is about you), and I promise to try and get caught up tonight BUT I thought I'd give you a sampling of how I'm feeling right now.

I used my afternoon break to go to walmart and pick up some baby formula. Something I'm already absolutely freaking out about because of china and melatomine (or whatever) and the fact that the more I research it the more crazy my brain gets and now apparently the soy formula I've been giving Cooper is trying to kill him according to the web...

So anyway I go in and after what seems like agonizing hours on the baby aisle I finally pick enfamil a.r. lipil, formulated especially for babies who spit up frequently but not made with (now considered) EVIL soy beans...this may or may not work. I'm truthfully leaning more toward the 'may not' because it's milk based and so far we've yet to come up with a milk based formula that Cooper will tolerate and DARN the soy beans for ruining my already crazed life. Gah it makes me want to go run soy beans over with my car and then set them ablaze...

BUT back to the current rant, so I pick out a can of what is no longer considered baby formula but that I now lovingly refer to as "a can of teetering on the edge of good nutrition to thrive upon and potentially dangerous ingredients that WILL kill you". I go to check out and the clerk puts the above mentioned can in the same bag with my Drano...SERIOUSLY?! FOR REAL CASHIER?! PROBABLY, DO I WANT MY ALREADY QUESTIONABLE BABY MILK IN THE SAME BAG AS MY FORTIFIABLE CHEMICAL THAT IS GUARANTEED TO EAT THROUGH DRAIN SLUDGE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR?!?!?!?!

PROBABLY NOT.

Mass Chaos, Sheer Pandemonium & Utter Disarray

Mass Chaos, Sheer Pandemonium and Utter Disarray...that is the state of my house right now. At least that's what it feels like in my head when I'm thinking about it...then I open my eyes...NO, no i was right the first time, it wasn't in my mind it was reality...


My cats have gone crazy...LOCO...it's kind of like they suddenly developed ADHD...and I decided to medicate them with CAT NIP (aka: cat crack), then I told them they got extra points for climbing every piece of furniture in my house and racing full speed, trying to trip their humans...and probably they thought it was a good idea to meow incessantly at nothing...and jump on each other's backs and try to bite one another's heads and constantly jump on the counter and knock things off just for the heck of it...and if it happens to be a glass full of liquid WELL THAT'S A BONUS...and I don't know which furry @$$ decided they should gnaw through a box of little debbie cupcakes and take ONE BITE of each frickin one then drag the rest to various corners of my house so that I would miss one and step on it...and well the bathroom counter-that's up for grabs of course I would want them to knock all the bottles, mirror, various crap in the sink...AND OH I FORGOT the huge basket of tampons that they decided they must pick out one by one, then toss to each other their mouths, then scoot to each other with their paws and finally finish off by using their talon-like claws to rip them to shreds...

I just want to say, SERIOUSLY what is wrong with you?!

Tonight alone I have had to exile Studley Dudley to the bathroom (which I use for timeout) and all the while he's meowing LOUDLY, scratching at the door and totally freaking out. This makes Jay-Jay and Mercy stand on the other side of the door looking all concerned and scratching trying to get IN the bathroom because they hear their comrade in trouble...so...I open the door and throw them all in time out and I sit on the other side of the door listening to the drama unfolding inside...Jay-Jay running around the edge of the jacuzzi tub until she inevitably jumps in with a huge crash taking the towels on the corner with her...Mercy landing on the counter and proceeding to push every single thing into the sink...or the floor...or OH BONUS she got my deodorant IN the litter box...and then there's Dudley and he's just running around in circles ecstatic because he pitched such a fit and threw such a tantrum that he got his two sister cats landed in time out with him!

Just like the youngest to ruin it for everyone...

For those of you who said I should write a book...

I couldn't agree more. I would love to quit my job and dedicate enough of my spare time, untapped brain cells and random wonderings to writing a book! And luckily I figured out a way to do it and live even more comfortably than I do now...

All I need is $5.00. Look at it as an advance. You're pre-ordering a book that will be delivered to you upon completion...guaranteed by Christmas (year 2018). So yeah...I mean doesn't that sound like a winner? Think about it as getting in on the ground floor of a new, late-breaking phenomenon called shananigans.

So...after careful calculations I only need each person to donate, UH scratch that, INVEST $5.00. And I only need about 6000 people to do this.

I installed a counter on my blogpage this afternoon to keep up with how many hits I get everyday. Not counting my own I'm up to 6 today. Six. That changes the math in the above stated equation slightly. If there are only six of you I'll need you each of you to contribute $5000.00. It's kind of the same, just higher...think of it as a bigger investment.

Hey, don't blame me, you're the one who wanted the book...

18 degres away from 100...

That is the temperature in my house right now, as we speak. 82 degrees. Middle of September, 82 degrees...how RIDICULOUS is that?! Apparently our air conditioner decided to go on strike...I mean COME ON! It had three weeks, four weeks tops to keep on persevering and then we could all call it quits for one more horrendous summer in georgia. But no, it couldn't give me that could it?


Now 82 degrees may not that sound that hot...if you're my Aunt Marie, who purposely keeps her thermostat hovering at triple digits. However we keep our house at a nice cool, delightful 69 degrees. 70 if we're feeling conservative...so 82 feels like, well basically we now know what it feels like to be a cinnamon roll in the oven. Not only are we burning alive we're also getting very sticky...

Since we've already had to have the air conditioner fixed once this summer I was reluctant to spend any more money on it. Also because I am cheap and a pro-champion procrastinator I suggested to Craig that maybe we should just try to make do with fans for the rest of the summer and worry about this problem next spring.

He looked at me in disbelief and was like, "no, we need to get it fixed and get it fixed now. You're horrible to live with when you're hot." "I'm not that bad..." I just...I don't know, I think my body already maybe runs a little hotter than the average person's. Maybe it's all my extra padding, maybe that serves as insulation. (See post on why I'm the fat kid).

So I'm like "maybe I get a little grumpy when it's hot." And Craig was like "grumpy does not begin to cover it. I'm looking for words like unbearable, inconsolable, irate...Seriously we need to get it fixed this week...I'm calling the guy tomorrow. Because if not I'm afraid you'll die. I'm afraid you'll literally die and that you'll purposely take me with you."

I don't know that the heat would actually drive me to kill but if you find us in a pile of ashes know this; we spontaneously combusted and accidentally cremated ourselves. And also it is my last wish that you, as my friend or family, must divide the ashes evenly and each wear a portion of ME in a vile around your neck. Everyday. Forever. And remember I like to stay cool...

Devil Labelers, Bitter Spinsters, and Greeters who want to end it all...

Yesterday I had to take back the last batch of baby stuff that we had gotten at the shower and couldn't use. I had put it off as long as i could and now it was time for the inevitable. I hate taking stuff back to walmart. It's a pain and a hassle and I've never had a good experience with it. Even when I do manage to accomplish taking back items without incident the people that you have to deal with are never nice. Greeters, who never seem to greet and customer service who is frankly not that 'customer' or 'service' oriented.

It used to be a simple process. You took the items in, the greeter begrudgingly gave you a yellow smiley sticker to prove that you hadn't just picked the item off the shelf...the utmost in anti-theft protection... Then you took your sticker and item to customer service and they scanned it and gave you back sweet cash in the form of a walmart gift card.

Now however they have a new system. The greeter has to take each item, scan it with a machine and print out a label/sticker thingy. This presents problems on so many levels. First of all the greeter (who wasn't too happy when all he had to do was hand you the sticker), inevitably is not sure how the machine that spits out the label/sticker thingy works. He tries scanning things different ways, he tried pushing different buttons, he tries shaking the friggin' thing...finally it laughs in computer language and gives him a sticker...except UH OH the label says "$0.00". FREAK. Now he must start all over...

I don't blame the greeters per say. In my opinion walmart as a whole is screwing the process up. I mean seriously if I was in management and looking for someone to run complicated label/sticker machinery would I pick my employees who were 85? Probably not. My grandparent's generation (God bless their old hearts) did not grow up with computers. In fact I'd bet its safe to say that most of that age group despises computers and wants nothing to do with them. So really, seriously walmart, why did you pick the "age advanced" group of employees to run the brand new labeler that is inevitably out to get them.

And while we're at it wouldn't greeters be the first line of defense for a shoplifter? I mean you're running out the door with your stolen 'My Name is Earl' dvd and really what is the greeter to do? Run after you? Knock you down? Trip you with their cane perhaps? I don't know, maybe walmart has given this more thought than I'm giving them credit for. Maybe one of the handicapped electric wheelchairs is actually equipped with James Bond type accessories that the greeter can turn on and then he would have a fighting chance...I mean basically you don't want to get over by one of those electric carts...it hurts.

Now in the greeter's defense I had a crap-load of stuff to return. Because it is such a very big hassle I had put it off and just kept putting things Cooper couldn't use or had grown too big for in one rubbermaid container. So there was like a thousand little things... The greeter looked in the tub, looked and me and *sighed*. I felt kind of bad for the old guy...

We started the long process of going through each item. I would pick it up (so he didn't have to bend over), he would scan/push/shake until it gave him a sticky label and then we'd start all over with something else. Meanwhile Cooper was starting to freak out. He was looking around warily like why am I in a cart and not moving? Who is this old guy and why does he have a crazy look in his eyes like he wants to run his electric cart right through the customer service desk and end it all? And why do strange people keep stopping to stare at me and ask how old that "little girl" is? (I swear Cooper, I'll never dress you in the green onesie with stars again. I thought it was metro but I guess not).

Maybe it was because Cooper was fussy. Maybe it was because of the sheer volume of playtex nipples that i was returning or maybe it was just that he gave up and decided no job was worth this, but whatever the reason he finally said the devil labeler had "quit" and he would just explain to customer service why half of my items weren't marked.

We made our way to customer service. Ugh, "customer disservice". Methodically she started scanning the items with her gun zapper all the while muttering about how she hates baby showers and the fact that half of the crap always gets returned and makes her job harder, blah blah, service with a smile, blah. And I wanted to say "look I'm sorry I'm inconveniencing you by asking you to do your job but I'm not going to keep a thousand vent air nipples when I'm clearing using playtex drop ins"...not that she would know what any of this meant because I'm pretty sure by her attitude she must have been a bitter spinster...

One of the items wouldn't scan. "Oh sorry, I said apologetically, that may have come from another store, these were gifts so I wasn't sure." She answered with "probably the dollar store". "Okaaay" I thought, that was weird. Then something else wouldn't scan. She handed it back, "this came from the dollar store too". What? Seriously? Finally after about 400 things that scanned correctly we were on the last item. It wouldn't scan. She looked at me and said, "this definitely looks like it came from the dollar store". Okay I have nothing against the dollar store, I love it, I do! But ALL of my baby shower gifts did not come from the dollar store and I thought that was a really, really crappy way of trying to insult someone. I mean seriously walmart girl, are you insulting me from getting a present from the dollar store? You scan things for a living. Are we really that different?! I think not.

After she handed me my giftcard she proceeded to say what sounded like "I have 2 returns left on my social security number". I had heard about this happening. It happened to my aunt. Apparently after you return so many things to walmart then they ban you and you aren't allowed to return anything else...Oh darn, I guess I'm on my way to being black listed from walmart's customer service...

For this I say, I'll just take my business to the dollar store.

DEEP SH!T

Do you ever find yourself knee deep in sh!t? Literally?


I have neglected to buy trash bags for the last three days that we have been out. I don't know why, I'm just stupid like that. Anyway the litter boxes could not wait any longer. It was time. They needed to be dumped. So I thought I could improvise with a target bag. It seemed bigger and sturdier than a walmart bag...and this theory may have just panned out if the bag hadn't of been full of holes that I did not notice...


So I set the litter box up on the toilet, wrap the bag around it and start to pour...I feel something hitting my feet but because I'm slow I guess and I don't realize what it is until I pour the whole freakin box out...yeah it was dirty cat litter that was slowly encasing my legs...


I looked down. It was like when you see little kids at the beach and they cover their feet and legs up with sand and say they're the little mermaid...except instead of the beach it was my bathroom...and instead of sand it was a pile of crap...


I shouted a few obscenities. I happened to be on the phone with Angela at the time and she was making fun of me. Craig was in the living room and he was making fun of me too. Somehow in the confusion Craig (ever helpful), asked if I needed his help. Apparently I said, "yes" but was actually talking to Angela and whatever snide remark she had just made. So he tentatively makes his way into the bathroom only to stand in the corner and angrily mutter under his breath about "cat crap everywhere" and "no trash bags for a week" and "blah blah blah blah freakin blah blah blah" and I'm like "seriously? Why are you here? Why are you in the bathroom looking at me?" And he's like "when I asked you if you needed help you said yes". And I'm like "okay well I was talking to Angela and no I don't need any help" and he was like "are you sure, because I could help". And I'm thinking, "really?! Because right now you're being about as helpful as a zebra...with no paws..."

So then i had to try and sweep all the litter/cat crap up and try and stuff it all into one of Cooper's diaper pail bags which are all of 6"x 6", I mean seriously they're tiny, they belong in a miniature doll house...

And all the while all three cats are encircling my legs like "oh boy, wow, i guess now the whole bathroom is just one gigantic litter box, how cool is that!" And I'm going "really?! Are all three of you having a bathroom emergency right now? Right this second? Are you all so desperate for the box that you have to patrol around my feet waiting, just waiting for the gloriousness of litter scattered abroad, more than your tiny cat hearts could ever even imagine?!"

So i finally cleaned all the litter up. I finally managed to encase it in several tiny bags and get them closed without incident. At last my bathroom didn't look like a giant sandbox and smell like a county dump. Then I go to fill up the clean litter box with clean litter and would you believe we were out?! There was enough to put about an 1/8" in the bottom of the box. I set it down and all the cats looked at me as if to say "we kind of liked it better when we were knee deep in sh!t..."

Cooper, seriously, are you trying to kill your mommy?

Well are you? You know your mama is a little neurotic and crazy and physco and she is constantly worried that you'll some how smother and stop breathing? I mean seriously it is her biggest fear. You know that, right?


Believe me, I'm all excited for you that you discovered your hands and now you've learned that you can take those tiny pinchers and put the death grip on something and there is no way it's ever getting away...I mean it's not that much fun when it's my arm that you've trapped with your fists of fury and then you proceed to try and make mommy bleed with your dagger claws that we call baby fingernails.

But anyway, I now know that you are perfectly capable of grabbing your blanket and pulling it all the way over your head. Yep, I saw you do it. And again. And again. And again until i finally threatened you that I would put those awful mittens on your hands and take away your new found freedom of "grasping".

You would look at daddy, look at me, grab the blanket and proceed to cover your head with it and sometimes even start stuffing it in your mouth. Daddy would laugh, you would giggle and I would freak the crap out! "No, you can not put the blanket over your head" I would say in my most stern mommy voice. You would then look at daddy again, smile and start all over...


If you want to grab something how about your feet. Other babies do that and it's super cute! And basically I don't think I'd worry that you could suffocate on your feet...so seriously you could stuff those suckers in your mouth all day long and I'd be like "hey look, Cooper's all suckin his toes again!" and I wouldn't have to shriek hysterically and say things like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD, THAT HE'S TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF AND TAKE ME DOWN WITH HIM?!"

Your daddy already makes fun of me and said you look like you're in a straight jacket when I get you ready for bed because I swaddle you in a blanket to prevent "accidental suffocation". This was before I knew you were suicidal. Now i have to look up "how to prevent baby from eating own blanket in sleep" on the internet and find new ways to probably make you even more uncomfortable at bedtime.

When I mentioned this new found fetish of your's to Ms. Karen (your fabulous baby sitter), she non-chalantly said "oh yeah he does that over here all the time, he really likes to sleep with something over his head, i guess it makes him feel secure". WHAT?! He sleeps with stuff over his head?! Not cool! I was like "oh my gosh what about him suffocating?!" She laughed at me too. Then she proceeded to take your thin blankie and cover her mouth and nose with it and demonstrate how she could still breath...however she got distracted and said "wow that smells good, what kind of laundry detergent are you using?"

So we may have gotten a little off track and you may think I'm distracted and I'm not paying attention to your wiley ways but know this: come tonight if you so much as grab the edge of that blankie with your chubby little paws I'll crank up the heat until we feel like we're at grandma mincey's house and I'll strip you down to your diaper and see how you like being a "nakkie baby"! And while you're laying there all bored with nothing to gnaw on think about discovering your feet because...well...basically they're very munchable and not at all a choking hazard!

My New Aspiration In Life...

is to be a professional blogger...seriously. i could stay home all day, play with cooper, play on the internet and not get fired for it...it sounds pretty amazing. i mean not that my job now isn't amazing...i still get to type all day...about criminals and white trash...and that's fun too...

from the archives of my life: Cooper Levi Craig

~i went to the doctor on tuesday, may 20th for my 39 week check up. dr. reynolds checked me and said i was dialated to a whole 0...this was disappointing since i was hoping for at least a 7 or 8...(haha)...anyway so he wanted me to have an ultrasound to see if the baby was still head down. they did the ultrasound and he was head down and also estimated to weigh 9 1/2 lbs! WOW so anyway i met back with dr. reynolds and he said that probably the reason i was dialating was because the baby was so big he was having trouble moving down and putting pressure on my cervix making me dilate. so...he said he didnt think i was going to go into labor on my own and asked me about inducing. i was scared but ready. he told me to be at the hospital the next day at 6:30 pm! ahhh this is really happening (at that point i was a little freaked out...i mean i wanted the baby to get here but i felt like there was a ton of stuff that i needed to get done)...

~wednesday, may 21...i went to work and straightened my desk, (didnt get a whole lot done) and left early. (i need not to expect to get EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH)...so anyway i got home took a shower, packed my hospital bag (which according to everyone else i should have done weeks before)...and waited for craig...he got home and we started off to the hospital...(our last car ride as "just me and craig"...)

~i had pre-registered at the hospital so they had my stuff all ready and showed me to my suite...(okay so maybe it was just a labor and delivery room but it was NICE)!!! dr. french was there and she put in the cervadil...(not a nice feeling)...

~somewhere throughout the day i should have eaten...i had half of a chicken sandwich at one point but it was long gone and now i was hungry and stuck as a ward of the hospital and all their rules...(since i also hadnt really drank anythink the IV suckkkkked...its like all my veins had shriveled away)...so even though i had asked dr. french about eating and she had said "no food" the nurse was nice enough to call and ask again and she said "okay maybe a little food"...so...i had a zaxby's zalad AND an order of fries...

~by 8:30 i had a room full of people: craig, mom, dad, bec, angela, leann, gretchen, trudy, ricky, grandma...was that all?...oh and the occassional nurse...we all hunkered down and watched american idol...

~everyone (except craig) left sometime throughout the night when it was obvious there was to be no baby yet...

~the next morning, thursday, may 22, i got an IV started of pitocin. i had heard this started contractions fast and furious but they wernt really that bad. just an achy feeling in my back and a crampy feeling in my belly...

~i was able to get up and sit in the rocking chair for a little bit...this is when the fun really started...i felt this really weird sensation and then all of a sudden stuff started coming out of me! it was this gush of gooeyness, kind of like wetting your pants but ickier and more and it just kept coming...we called the nurse...(i went into the bathroom to change and apparently while i was in there my lovely family- i know gretchen and becca-were betting that i had just wet my pants and my water had actually NOT broken BUT the nurse checked me and it was the real deal!

~at this point im hoping that Bud will be like "hey what the heck happened to all my goo?! and start to make the magical trip down the slip n slide of my birth canal...

~i was still not dialated hardly at all, maybe like a 2 or 3.

~the nurse said i could get an epidural anytime so i went ahead and ordered one around 12:00, 12:30. (the contractions were starting to hurt more and since i knew i definitely WANTED the epidural i didnt see any point in laying there in pain...

~the epidural wasnt bad at all. not like the stories i had heard! i had the most awesome anathesiaologist (i know i spelled that wrong) ever! craig sat beside the bed in a chair and i sat on the side of the bed with my feet inbetween craig's legs facing him. the needle going in itself was nothing more than a prick and i was sitting there thinking "why do people turn this down"?!?! it hurts a lot less than the contractions and my contractions were far from being as painful as i know they would have gotten!

~so anyway with epidual in place i was bed-ridden which had its ups and downs...sucked being stuck but at the same time having someone come in and catherize you so you dont have to get up a pee every 15 minutes was a nice change...the epidural was awesome! i felt no pain but at the same time could still move my legs. (not a whole lot but enough that i could help scoot myself up in bed or change positions or even make them do butterflies so that i could prove to my nurse that i would be an efficient pusher and that i didnt need the epidural turned off...(sometimes apparently if you cant feel enough to push they turn the epidural down or off and i did not want that happening to me...)! at one point becca made fun of me because i saw this lump and i poked at it trying to figure out if it was a pillow or my leg...it turned out to be my leg...

~dr. reynolds came and checked me...i was a 3...

~also at this point i couldnt have any food, any water not even any ice chips! sucked! they did bring me a cup of ice with this sponge that people were allowed to dip in the ice and sponge over my mouth...mmmm refreshing

~oh and it sucked so bad because gretchen had brought me QUESO compliments of josh and i couldnt even eat it! i even asked the nurse if we could just dip the ice sponge in the vat of queso and dab that on my lips but apparentely thats not allowed!

~by supper time we had another house full...craig, joann, mom, dad, bec, grandma, nanny, poppop, trudy, ricky, gretchen, angela, leann and eric...i still think im forgetting someone but hopefully not...

~all the troops ordered dipper dans and ate in the waiting room...

~at one point angela had to leave...she had to go pick austin up so she said she would be back after joey got home...

~about 10 minutes later after angela left (im thinking around 8:45 pm-its kind of a blur) dr. reynolds came in to check me again and i was only dialated to a 4. not great news. ~now let me take a minute to give a shout out to dr. reynolds-he is awesome, if you need a ob/gyn it doesnt get any better than him~anyway his honest opinion was that this wasnt going to happen naturally for us...the baby's head was big, my body wasnt dialating and things just wern't adding up...he was willing to let me labor for a few more hours but he still thought i'd end up with a c-section...because i trust him completely and basically I WAS READY TO GET MY BABY! i asked when he could do the c-section...(thinking he would probably say first thing in the morning or something like that) instead he said...IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES......gosh i really do love that man but anyway...

~he went out to tell my family (aka: the mob) and my grandma told him to take care of me and he said "only the best for his ladies"

~me and craig had a few minutes alone...our last few minutes before our huge life changing event...he dressed in scrubs (which by the way he looks HOT in! yummy, im going to get him a pair of those to wear around the house...and maybe a stethoscope...WAIT where was i? oh yeah...me and craig's special moment...it was hard not to cry...not that i was sad but its just so emotional but we both did really good, i couldnt have asked for a better help-mate!

~soon people were scurrying all around. the OR team was paged and started showing up in record time, poking, proding and getting us ready.

~all of the fam came back to say goodbye (and angela who hadnt even made it all the way to cleveland when leann called her, drove to cleveland turned around and made it all the way back before i went in...can you say LAND SPEED RECORD...

~we all said our goodbyes (sounds kind of morbid...) took pictures and then they took me away (craig had to wait out in the hall for them to get to me ready (which im pretty sure consisted of them cutting me open and getting most of my body parts out of my body) BUT ANYWAY

~we got back to the OR which was cold and a little scary. my wonderful anathesiologist was right there with my head in his hands, he even said a prayer with me before they started.

~once the section actually started i was so grateful that i hadnt had even any ice chips because i was still throwing up, luckily just clear liquid but if i had drank or ate a lot it would have been baaadddd....

~i was so relieved when craig got to come back. he sat right by my head and talked to me, he is so sweet! he did awesome! he was so calm and excited all at once and i couldnt have done it without him!

~dr. schemerhorn (the anathesiologist) asked what the baby's name was and we said we wernt sure yet so he started a round of john jacob jingleheimer schmidtt except him, dr. reynolds and part of the OR team inserted their own names, so instead of being worried that part of my guts were laying On Top of my stomach i was laughing at TODD, BRANDON, GEORGEHEIMER SCHMIDTT...they were great! and not too bad singers either!

~i couldnt really feel anything during the operation but just a weird sensation...slight pulling, pushing and weird noises and i knew WHAT they were doing so that kind of freaked me out...ignorance would have been bliss...

~soon the doctor exclaimed WOW he's big! he wasnt coming out of there on his own!

~then the most amazing thing happened, dr. reynolds yelled "IT'S A BOY!" and held the prettiest, goo-covered baby boy over the curtain for us to see. he was absolutely gorgeous from the very beginning!

~they took him to the table and he cried (most awesome sound ever)!

~craig got to go watch them clean him up and assess him and they started putting me back together again. (he did sneak a peak at my insides as he passed the table and NO he did not pass out and NO he did not throw up! he said it was actually pretty cool!

~then they brought our baby boy over to let me see him before they took him to the room. i fell absolutely instantly in love!

~craig and the baby and whitney (most awesome labor and delivery nurse ever)! got to go back to the room and my family got to catch a glimpse of him as they walked by. (by this time the nurses couldnt hold them in the waiting room any longer and they had congregated all the way down the hall)!

~craig got to hang out with baby bud while he got all his first few minutes of life stuff out of the way! (eye drops, weighing, etc.)

~soon (okay it felt like an eternity but im guessing just about 20-30 minutes later) i got to go back to the room and really hold him. i was shaking because of the medicine and just held him a minute before i wanted craig to take him back, i was afraid i'd drop him!

~we had some family time, just me, craig and baby bud and then we let the troops back in to actually see him for the first time!

~everyone held him and got pictures taken. craig made sure my dad was the first to hold him which i thought was sweet!

~i was pretty zonked because of the morphine and phenegrine so the rest of the night was kind of a blur. i know everyone left but craig. the baby slept beside me in a bassinet thing so i could reach over and make sure he was still breathing!

~by the next day i was begging them to turn the morphine off. i would rather have a little pain and know whats going on then be drugged and not have a clue!

~so by friday night i was narcotics free (for the most part) i still got a shot of something, cant remember what but it didnt make me foggy so that was good!

~we didnt officially name him until saturday...he got to be baby boy sexton for awhile but finally we decided on COOPER LEVI CRAIG...craig in honor or his daddy, levi in honor of God (you can get the whole story from craig but it involves the levites and levitical preists and how they didnt need part of the land because God was their portion...), and cooper just for him!

~cooper is awesome, we couldnt ask for a better baby! i love him so completely and i love craig more now than i ever have! it is absolutely amazing and i thank God for both my boys everyday! cooper is such a blessing, its like God gave me a tiny part of heaven to keep right inside my heart...

~i'll end with this:
COOPER IS SO FRESH FROM HEAVEN HE STILL SMELLS A LITTLE LIKE GOD.

My Dirty Little Secret...

I tried to pretend I wasn't that person. It took years to admit even to myself that I was who I am and even as I write this I have most people fooled...

When I was a child it was tolerated. When I was a teenager it was expected. When I got married...well that's when the true charade began...

During the first year of my marriage we lived in my nanny and poppop's basement apartment. It was small. I'm talking barely a room and a half. We had a lot of stuff. It was cluttered. It was disorganized and it was okay. We were in our honeymoon phase and it didn't matter. But still I blamed the size on "my problem". I swore to myself and my husband that as soon as we had our house built I would be better.

When we first moved in our very own house things were much like the basement apartment except larger scale. First I used the excuse of having to unpack and get around to organizing. Then later I played on the fact that I held down two jobs and was never at home. I even made comments stating the fact that if I worked normal hours like a normal person things would be different.

Things rocked on for five years without much change. Then came the day I had been waiting for. The positive pregnancy test. For some reason I thought this would change me. For some reason I thought this was the key that would turn me into the person I had been trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I could be. Wanted to be. Tried to be.

After I had Cooper I wasn't supposed to do anything. Doctor's orders. I even complained about it and said how I really wished I could be up doing something. Then after I got medically cleared...well a new baby was a lot of work...I was tired...I was stressed...I would still get there...one day...

The truth has finally hit me this week. I am who I am. I'm happy with who I am. I am a messy person. I'm not organized. Sometimes I'm late. (Okay almost always I'm late). I'm not supermom. I'm definitely not superwife. Most days I would much, much rather pick up Chinese take out and watch a movie with my husband rather than come home and cook supper. I hear about these wonderwomen who cook three meals a day, pack lunches, keep the bathroom clean and make the bed everyday. Seriously, why? If that's the lifestyle you choose I commend you but don't you ever feel like maybe you're missing out on life a little. I find joy in actually spending time with my husband and playing with my son. I don't find joy in washing dishes. We've had nights that consisted on doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching tv but we've had so much fun together they're forever logged into my memory. I've never had that kind of experience from cleaning a toilet. Yes, I know there are certain things that must be done in order to keep a house running. (And well, frankly to keep dfacs from knocking on my door and wanting to take my child away).

But seriously these people who go overboard and become so anal about not only basic cleanliness but also organization and complete order to their lives...I just don't know about...I mean where's the fun in that? With us, everyday, everything, is an adventure; Do I have clean clothes for work? Did I pack enough diapers for our trip? Did I remember to hang up the fly strips in the kitchen to catch all the gnats?

Cooper-month 3!

dear cooper,

you are currently in your third month of life and OH MY GOSH you are amazing! im sorry i havent written you before now, i actually just stole the idea from a fellow blogger, heather armstrong. she writes to her little girl every month. i dont agree with or like everything that she does or writes about but i do like this idea. its probably for the best that i didn't write you before now because i am just now getting over all the hormones and changs that have typically made me crazy for the last year and the ones that made your daddy realize how very glad he is to be a man. i can't say i'm back to my old self because my "old self" didn't include you in my life and i never EVER want to go back to that again! so i guess you could say i'm back to "my old personality with a new and improved sense of what love is".

you went on your first vacation last weekend. we went to pigeon forge and you loved it! you, me, your daddy and your mema stayed in the family inn. im sorry an orange motel was your first hotel experience. basically it sucked. i promise, from now on while traveling with you i will do be best to avoid orange and pink motels! anyway the rest of the family got a cabin: your gran, aunt bec, your grandpa frosty, grandma mincey, aunt trudy, uncle ricky, gretchen, and josh. you have come to love joshy and we hope the gretchen keeps him around!

we took you to dollywood and we looked all over but you were too little to ride anything. maybe next time! i let you try sprite for the first time and you were not impressed. i also let you try ketchup and although this is a staple food of mine you decided that you hate it's existance and you spit it out all over my shirt!

someone was holding you the whole weekend. you slept in your pack n play and rode in your carseat of course but at all other times you were being held. people basically fought over you! oh my precious little one you will never know how much of a blessing you are to this family! especially me, your mama. i prayed for you and wished for you and imagined what you would be like for as long as i can remember. i still sometimes think i'm dreaming because you're so amazing! God has been indescribably good to us!

you can hold up your head now all on your own. you've been doing this for some time. you also want to sit up. laying down's for babies and you want to sit up and look around! even when we're holding you you squirm and start to do crunches to try and get yourself in sitting position! oh my goodness, you're such a strong boy!

some where between 1-2 months we aquired another kitty cat. his name is studley dudley and he was orphaned, that's the reason we got him. mercy and jay-jay love you but dudley thinks you're HIS! he wants to sleep right beside you and always wants to be right by your side.

your mom is a little neurotic but by the time you can read this you will have probably figured this out on your own. i've gotten somewhat better but i still struggle with some things. like for instance i still have to pull over almost every day while taking you to ms. karen's to check on you and make sure you're breathing but i haven't had to pull over three times all in the same trip like i used to have to do! baby steps, baby steps. i still make you sleep with the monitor that alarms if you stop breathing and even so i still reach over and feel your chest every single time i wake up at night. if anyone is holding you i have to ask every five minutes if you're breathing. most everyone makes fun of me because of this but i can't help it. i'm a little strange and over protective but you'll learn that soon enough!

i hear about other parents who put their 3 month olds to bed at 7:00 or 8:00. what?! that seems crazy to me, sometimes we've barely gotten home by that time! i keep you in the living room with us until we all go to bed! if you fall asleep you fall asleep and if you don't then we just get to play with you longer! i can't stand for you to be in a different room than me, i want you either in my lap or right beside me, i'm obsessed with you!

i have been so excited about Christmas this year. i absolutely can not wait until you get to experience the most magical, wonderous, and Holy time of year! i know the thought of magical and holy might seem to contradict each other but when speaking about Christmas they don't. i hope and pray that we can instill in you the real meaning of Christmas and portray to you God's love but at the same time let you experience the magic and wonder of santa claus that every child should experience! i can't wait!

you are completely beautiful. you are growing and in the very top percentile of your age group. you have gorgeous hair. you only cry when hungry or if something's wrong. you have the best personality ever for a baby! you are also the absolute most huggable human being on the entire earth, how blessed are we?!

your mommy loves you, your daddy loves you and more importantly God loves you! i try to remember every night to pray that when it's time you ask Jesus into your heart. i don't want this to be something you have to struggle with. i hope that it comes to you easy and you never have to doubt...i love you. forever and always. i want you to remember that you'll always be my baby and you've forever changed my life in the most amazing way!

in a couple of weeks i'll be writing you your fourth month letter. hard to believe but time if flying by! just think, this time a year ago i didn't even know you were on your way! and now look at you! there are just no words...

love you cooper douper!
~your mommy

I Guess You Could Say I'm Kind of the Fat Kid...

I tried a new recipe the other night. I discovered a combination of food so incredibly scrumptious, so amazingly delicious...seriously, I’m having trouble even conveying to you how wonderful this meal was...I took lil’ smokies (cocktail sausages), and wrapped them in bacon, put them on skewers, covered them with brown sugar (lots and lots of brown sugar) and baked them. (See it could have been worse, I could have fried it all...). Even so as I thought back on this almost indescribable amount of happiness on a plate I came to a realization: I May Just Be the Fat Kid...seriously. My new favorite food is PORK wrapped in PORK, covered with SUGAR...(lots of sugar).

Giving this more thought and consideration I started to remember things from my childhood that corroborated my theory on the ‘fat kid’ thing. My mom (who is completely amazing) always made my birthday cakes as a child. At about five years old she asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my upcoming b-day. I had to and gave it serious consideration. I mean this was a big decision, it involved birthday cake, that’s down right life altering to a five year old. Finally I came up with what I wanted. I wanted a cake that looked like a BIG-MAC...yeah that’s right I was all like "hhmmm how can I make CAKE even unhealthier? Oh I know, lets make it in the likeness of something else really really bad for you! How about the cholesterol riddled, fattest hamburger known to man?! "Yeah, I thought, that’ll work." And by-goodness my mom made that big mac cake and it was awesome! It was like an exact replica of a 16" hamburger. I mean seriously it was amazing. You’ve never truly lived until you’ve eaten a big mac cake made by Lorri.

And as spectacular as that cake was, vivid in my mind even today, I have to wonder if maybe, just maybe requesting a high calorie custom concoction and having it masquerade as another artery clogging, bound to kill you soon, delicacy may just make me the fat kid. Especially since this realization comes as I’m pondering my new favorite food...which just happens to be PORK, wrapped in PORK, covered in SUGAR...lots of sugar

Pregnancy Tests, Tampons and Tree Hugging Hippies

Living in a small town has it’s disadvantages. One being total lack of privacy. It’s basically impossible to keep a secret here...especially a juicy one...

Even though technically there are about four places to buy a pregnancy test in our town Walmart seems to be the lesser of evils. When you’re buying a pg test you want a certain amount of privacy. A sense of discretion. This is hard to come by in mayberry.

Walmart has a place that can only be referred to as The Wall of Shame. It contains things...private things. It starts out with mildly embarrassing things: pills for heartburn, upset stomach, tums, mylanta, things of that nature. You keep walking and you get into your diarrhea/constipation meds, you can pick up a fleet enema or if the need arises some immodium.
The closer you get to the pharmacy the more intimate the items become. Now we've reached our personal lubricants and k-y jelly inspired massage oils. After the oils you see condoms (male and the slightly brazzen/still not accepted in the south female condom).
Then there they are. Proudly displayed right at eye level: those miracle sticks that with just a few drops of pee can change your life forever.

The best thing to do is wait until at least 10:00 p.m., after the pharmacy is closed and the crowd has died down. Next hit the clothing aisle first (a must for any pg test buying adventure). Select something sufficient enough to bury and cover the test you will be buying. You see in our town if you run into someone you know at Walmart (and you will), they'll want to stop and chat. And while they ask "how yer mama-n-diddy is doin" they'll prop on your buggy and peer inside to see if there's anything interesting...a pregnancy test is definitely interesting! A pregnancy test seen by the wrong person could snowball into a disaster of epic proportion by the time you reach the parking lot.

From my last pregnancy test buying adventure, the one we got the goods on ;) I did the regular pg test protocol, I made a pass down the main aisle with my buggy and casually glanced down the Wall of Shame. Yes! It was empty! I made another pass and dashed to the section that I needed. While quickly trying to pick out which brand I felt would give me accurate results yet not cost my weight in gold, out of the corner of my eye I could see several people make the main aisle pass and look inconspicuously toward The Wall and then curse to themselves and keep walking and I just thought to myself, "MUWAHAHA KEEP WALKIN' SUCKAS, THE WALL IS OCCUPIED!!!"

Then you self-check out, (another great invention that I think must have been created for the sole purpose of buying condoms, pregnancy tests and tampons.

Speaking of buying tampons this one time when Eckerd was still Eckerd I went in to buy a pack of pads (the only item I purchased) and the cashier (a guy) asked me if I wanted a bag. I thought to myself "gosh no I wouldn't want to burden you for a bag, please Please let me just sashay out with my huge pack of ‘overnights with wings’ under my arms." I don't care if you are the biggest tree-hugging, mother-earth loving hippie there is and the only bag you have is a giant plastic one, jumbo Christmas tree size that will inevitably rot on planet earth for 45 years KNOW THIS, if I'm buying condoms, pregnancy tests or feminine products I want a flippin’ bag.