DISAPPOINTMENT IS:

when you put you frozen dinner in the microwave and you think you hit start but then the phone rings and someone distracts you for 15 minutes asking why their daughter got arrested and then you go back to the microwave expecting warm noodley goodness and instead you have FROZEN SLUDGE. that is disappointment and that is all...

Assassination at the coke machine...

One of my duties for the next two days is running the control board that opens the electronic doors to let people in and out of the detention center and jail. Coming from the lobby to the detention center you have to pass through one door, then a sallyport that has a lockbox for weapons, then another door.

All officers are to leave their guns in the lockbox because no guns are allowed in the jail for obvious reasons.

So here's the interesting part: EVERY SINGLE TIME an officer leaves the detention center he feels the need to strap on his gun. I see it happen. Sometimes he's back in like 45 seconds (asking for me to open the freakin door again) so I can only assume he's going to the coke machine.

I know that being a law enforcement officer is exciting. It's a job that should come with respect and absolute responsibility. I realize that carrying a firearm is part of that responsibility but HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU PLAN TO SHOOT AT THE COKE MACHINE?! Seriously? REally? Do you expect there to be a revolt in the lobby? A gunfight so fierce that started over the last diet coke? Really?!

A Sliver of Chance for Life on Mars REALLY?! SERIOUSLY?!

"A Sliver of Chance for Life on Mars" This was the title to one of the featured news stories on yahoo today. The article goes on to say that because at night a PHENOMENON happens when some of the water vapor in the atmosphere evaporates and creates dew...DEW...and apparently this means at one time this "dew" could have supported life in a martian climate.

You know what? I couldn't give a TINY RAT'S DO-DO MAKER (thank you elliot) if there is life on mars, if there WAS life on mars of even if there is going to be life on mars eventually. What pisses me off is that there is PLENTY OF LIFE ON EARTH AND THEY'RE STARVING!

Nasa has spent almost a year on this mars/dew theory.

They have a special instrument they've been using: (see quote from article):
[The TECP "was like the Swiss army knife of instruments," says Aaron Zent of NASA Ames Research Center. It was equipped with a four-pronged fork that could be stuck into the ground to measure soil moisture and temperature. It also had a sensor for relative humidity.]

Hell, couldn't they have just stuck their hand in the soil to see if it was wet or not?

I won't harp on my opinions of the wasted money going to the space program but I will leave you with this note:

NEXT TIME INSTEAD OF SPENDING A YEAR, CREATING SPECIAL INSTRUMENTS AND WASTING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO COME WITH A CONCLUSION AS GOOD AS "A SLIVER OF CHANCE FOR LIFE ON MARS" HOW ABOUT WE TAKE THAT MONEY, THAT KNOWLEDGE AND THAT WORK FORCE AND USE IT TOWARD:

~FEEDING THE HUNGRY CHILDREN? WHAT IF WE WENT TO BED AT NIGHT AND KNEW EVERYONE WAS AS FULL AS WE WERE?

~HOW ABOUT WE REBUILD HOMES AND HABITATS. WHAT IF "THE HOMELESS" BECAME THE NEWEST ENDANGERED SPECIES BECAUSE THEY FOUND HOMES?

~WHAT IF WE USED MIGHTY RESOURCES AND CREATED JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED. WHAT IF WE HAD TO COME UP WITH NEW JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE WORKERS?

~WHAT IF WE CONCENTRATED ON WORKING TOWARD A SOLUTION TO FERTILITY AND ABORTION...WHAT IF WE DISCOVERED A WAY TO TAKE AN ALREADY IMPLANTED EMBRYO OUT OF A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WANT IT AND PUT IT INTO A WOMAN DESPERATE FOR A CHILD? HOW MANY WOMEN WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THIS INSTEAD OF DESTROYING HUMAN LIFE? HOW MANY LIVES WOULD IT SAVE?

I don't know if there was ever life on mars. I know there's life on earth. Precious life that is too easily discarded, so...."sliver of chance"...how about a new title "LIFE ON EARTH? YOU BETCHA!"

If i choke to death while typing this...

marie is not here today. she had a conference to go to. her absence was most noticed when i made my ham sandwich and realized that i didnt have a drink to go with it. (because every single day marie brings me a drink from dipper's).

so...against my better judgement (because i am so very cheap), i scrounge the change together to go get a coke out of the machine. i have what i believe to be barely enough. on the way to the coke machine i pass the snack machine. i make the mistake of glancing it's way. FRICK ON A STICK, THEY HAVE SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS! they never have SOUR CREAM AND ONION! i nervously look at the change in my hand. there is a decision to be made and...yep thats right, i am just that fat, i went with the chips!

now you're probably saying, "wait, but wern't you concerned with needing a drink when it was just the sandwich? now you're planning on chips too and you still dont have a beverage? is that smart?" but you don't understand, they're SOUR CREAM AND ONION! so i take the plunge and put my money in and push B4....it whirls and whirls and...my SOUR CREAM AND ONION gets stuck on the mechanism...i mentally stomp my foot and consider trying to rock the machine until i remember all the horror stories of people being squashed under machines they were trying to rock for things less than SOUR CREAM AND ONION even...

i silently and defeatedly walk back to my office. i have no more change. i have no drink and i have no SOUR CREAM AND ONION. then i have a PLAN! i cant get into marie's office because it's locked but if i could find a master key...she always has change laying around and she always tells me i can help myself if i need some for the machine...so...i go on a hunt for a master key. most people at this point would have just given up but I AM JUST THAT FAT.

so i finally find an important person with a key and i break in. i steal enough change (with a mental I.O.U.), to not only ransom my SOUR CREAM AND ONION but to also get an icy cold beverage. i lock the door, return the key and head back out. i go to the coke machine. i have $1.10 in change. the chips are $0.50 and the cokes are $0.60 cents (or so i thought).

i stare at the coke machine. SIXTY FIVE EFFING CENTS. if i spend 65 cents i'll not have enough for the chips...BEAVER DAMMMMMMMMM IT!!!!!!!!! so i did the only logical thing to do, i forgot the coke, and bought the chips and since i already had a bag hanging in the balance i got two. 2 BAGS OF SOUR CREAM AND ONION!

i was giddy happy until i remembered that it meant that i had a ham sandwich and 2 bags of chips and still no drink...not a very good combination for NOT choking...

standing...

So now you can stand up! You STAND on your VERY OWN TWO LEGS. Standing Up.

On valentine's day you crawled (really crawled) for the first time. Then we took you home and I put you in a rubbermaid container (sounds cruel but you love it), and OBVIOUSLY I don't put the lid on it.

Anyway so I put you in this box and give you some toys and go about making dinner. I glance over and FRICKY FRICK, YOU'RE STANDING UP! I was like, "OH MY GOSH, COOPER YOU'RE STANDING UP." You gave me a look like, "yeah..." So I figure it's this freak thing (because who would guess that the same day that you crawled would also be the day you started all freakin walking around?) So anyway I set you back down and you're all like, "OH NO, YOU DIDN'T" So I turn around to look at supper again and as fast as I can turn around you're standing again! You pudgy little hands are curled around the top of the container and your chubby legs are ridgidly standing in triumph and you're peering over the side of the box, looking at the world below.

This happens like I don't know, FOURTEEN MILLION times and even though I am truly excited and gleeful I have a realization: you are no longer containable...there is no where that I can put you and then expect you to be when I come back.

Your very own journey has now began...

You Know You Have a Problem When...

I am admittedly cheap. Everyone who knows me knows this. I love a good bargain and my heart leaps at the word "CLEARANCE".

I was looking through the petco sales paper just now and on the back page I saw parakeets advertised for ONLY $12.00! And my first thought was "crap, that's cheap, I may need to get some..."

It was then that I realized that I was talking about PARAKEETS. LIVE BIRDS. Do I want birds? No. Do I have any desire to house them? Absolutely not. But I was still so shaken by their "rock bottom price" that I, for a fleeting second, I considered stocking up...

It was then that I had a realization, I May Just Have a Problem...

another reason why i'm glad i have cats

(The characters named in this story are in fact real, not fictional but their names have been changed to protect privacy and pride...)

Among reasons like curling up on my feet while i sleep and sweetly nuzzling my neck the NUMBER ONE, ABSOLUTE NUMERO UNO REASON that im glad I have cats is the fact that they do NOT eat their own or anyone else's poo...

I wasn't sure what to blog about today but then I read "gretta's" blog about how her adorable tiny puppy "bess" has taken to eating her own poop...

Now I'll admit I'm not a dog person...well that's not entirely true, I love all things furry and loveable BUT I am much, much more of a CAT PERSON...I've even been referred to as the Crazy Cat Lady...but anyway I mean seriously WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL EATS THEIR OWN POO? Certainly not cats...I think if it was up to cats they wouldn't even poo...they're JUST THAT CLEAN. They would rather hold it in and be miserable than do something as disgusting as actually expelling it from their tiny bodies...and then there's dogs...dogs who not only enjoy pooing and peeing all over the blasted place, right there in the open in front of God and everyone but then sometimes they roll around in it and I've just learned that sometimes they EAT IT.

IT'S. A. PILE. OF. POO.


People, wake up and realize that cats rule.

THE ONE *almost* titled "THE ONE where shannon says SCREW IT ALL"

When people ask me if it's tough being the black sheep in a SEA OF PURE WHITE i just want to say..."no...it's comforting actually"

CAN I JUST SAY IM GLAD COOPER IS A BOY...

a perfect example of why girls suck and why we let DRAMA LLAMA rule our lives...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vxzIamlzoA

watch until the end...i especially like it when "natalie" becomes inconsolable....hehehe

a shout out to my most newely ENGAGED cuz!

CONGRATS TO GRETCHEN AND JOSH WHO ARE NOW OFFICIALLY ENGAGED (even though my mom and craig claim to think they've been engaged for months)!

for the whole story click it---> http://gretchenandjosh.blogspot.com/

DO YOU JUST WANT ME TO BEND OVER OR WHAT?!

Last night I was hit with a particularly hard case of delirium...is that a word? Anyway I was absolutely DELIRIOUS.

Craig, Cooper, Cooper's curious george doll and me were laying on the couch and Craig was trying to get comfortable so he was moving around and I thought he needed a pillow for his head so I'm like "do you want me to stuff curious george in you?" And he was like, "ummmm yeahhhhh what do you want me to do, bend over?!" And I'm like "WHAT?!" He's like, "you asked if I wanted you to stuff curious george IN me." (insert hilarious laughter here). "NOooooooo" I say, "I meant do you want me to stuff curious george in your head.....wait...I mean UNDER your head...as a pillow..." But Craig thought we just needed to go to bed because I apparently really needed some sleep.

So we're laying in bed and we're all watching Cooper's new projector thing that we got him for Christmas. (It plays lullabys and projects lights and scenes on the ceiling...very relaxing). So we're just laying there enjoying it and Craig was like "well is there anything else that you want to prop on my face?" I look over to see what he means and realize that I've flopped my whole hand across his face and it was just laying there...I guess I thought it was comfortable, I don't know...I didn't even realize I was doing it. (More hilarious laughter).

Then after the lullabys had stopped and the lights had went out we were almost asleep when I burst into a fit of giggles. "What? asked Craig, are you thinking about the curious george thing again?" "No....I (hehehehe) I was just thinking about (hahahaha) I was remembering aunt Trudy opening the enema at Christmas (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Do...(hehehe) do you remember that? Do you remember her UNWRAPPING it?!?! The look on her face when she saw the ritz box (hahahahahahahahahaha)" And Craig was like "Vaguely...but I don't remember it being that funny".

I continued to laugh myself to sleep...oh if every night could consist of happy thoughts about curious george and Christmas enemas...

Naughty Deer...

Merry Christmas from my aunt kathy and uncle rob...i asked them to email me pictures of the family to use for a project that i was doing...this is what i got...REALLY GUYS? REALLY?!?!

1 HOUR, 40 MINUTES TO GO...

until i get off...basically all im doing at the moment is killing time...riding the clock...looking busy. should we have to work the week before Christmas? my answer is no, unless of course you're in retail and then i think stores should have to stay open 24/7 until Christmas eve so all of us who have procrastinated all year long can finish their shopping...that is if we had any money to do it with...which we probably don't.

we had to pay for Craig's school the other day (which i had totally forgotten was due) and was kind of in shock and totally unprepared and i did not have $431. So trying to be the responsible self-reliant adult that i strive to be (insert eye rolls here), i called my credit card company to see if they could extend my credit limit so we could charge it...i was informed that i had sufficient credit for someone with my economic status...REALLY?! ARE YOU SURE?! because i think *I THINK* if i truly had sufficient credit then i wouldnt have called to try and get more...

and why does the internet always tell you this will work? every money saving article is always like "call the credit card company, they will work with you. they'll extend your credit limit. they'll take that late charge off. they'll reduce your interest rate..." SERIOUSLY INTERNET?! I FEEL LIKE YOU LIE TO ME...i mean maybe they would extend YOUR credit limit but maybe thats because you're apparently some kind of FINANCIAL ADVISOR since you're writing articles about it...but for me (joe-the-non-plumber) they feel that i have sufficient enough credit...

now we could have easily borrowed the money from my parents but they probably would have lent us cash to which i would feel compelled to pay back the next week when we got payed and really i had already planned to use that money for useful things like Christmas presents and...cheese...so i needed a financial lender who was willing to put up a credit card for us. so we called craig's mom and she charged it for us...yay for people with SUFFICIENT UNTAPPED CREDIT...

ANYWAY that was kind of a random tirade...like i said me: bored. and for some reason im not capitalizing or punctuating...is punctuating a word? hmmm im not sure...

so its almost a new year so we should all be making resolutions that we intend to keep but will probably break before january 2nd...i could write a whole book about resolutions that i need to make but i wont bore you...either that or im afraid that once i put it in writing i'll feel compelled to stick with it...

i was thinking maybe id like to win something this next year...a car would be nice...but seriously i was thinking i might enter lots of contests next year. like maybe at least one a day? contests are everywhere: internet, magazines, stores, etc. but anyway im thinking if i find at least one contest to enter a day (and blog about it) i would be bound to win SOMETHING. and if after 365 times of entering and not winning i think we can conclude that all of that is a scam...and that we've been lied to...

so anyway let me know what you think...or not...whatever...im going back to looking busy for...75 more minutes...

the one in which your family and friends tell you to shove it up your @$$

I am listening to this radio station and I swear all day long I've heard these 2 commercials: one is for a weight loss company and one is for laser hair removal. Both companies advertise that their product or a gift card for their product would make the perfect stocking stuffer...REALLY?!


It's like "Here, I really want you to have this...for your unsightly hair in innapropriate places covering your body...and also I think you're kind of fat..."

Is it just me or does that not really say "Happy Birthday Jesus"...

Bring on the Awesome <><><><

1) It's one day closer to that magical day called FRIDAY (aka: payday, aka: WEEKEND)!!!
2) TV is absolutely amazing on Thursday:
~My name is Earl (hilarious white trash action)
~Kath and Kim (i've only seen this once but i was amused plus it's a good filler to get ready for):
~THE OFFICE!!! (hands down, best show on the air)! then finally:
~30 ROCK (runs a close second to the office)!
(I have to give an honerable mention to grey's anatomy and ugly betty which also comes on thursday and if it came on at 10:00 and 11:00 it would be the perfect storm of television but unfortunetly it collides with earl and the
office so i have to catch it over the weekend on abc.com)

So basically I plan to get the best food for the best supper, I plan to wear my most comfy pajamas and I plan to cuddle under blankets on the couch with my best craig and my super best cooper. (and I'm also hoping that the cats have a calm night and there is NO climbing the Christmas tree and there is NO climbing the couch and maybe jay-jay, mercy and dudley curl up at my feet AND if I'm feeling really good I may just break out the egg nog and wrap a few presents!

I AM STOKED! BRING ON THE AWESOME...
<><><><
shannon

PREGNANT AGAIN!!!

not me.

dooce is preggo again http://www.dooce.com

i cant wait to read about her preggo-related adventures...they promise to be very amusing...and by the way did i freak any of you out just now with the whole "pregnant again" DID I? DID I?!

VOMIT & ME

I always throw up outside. Anyone who knows me but at all, knows this. Throwing up inside is gross because there's the whole sticking your head in the toilet (UGH), holding on to the rim (ILLUGH) and then there's usually always spillage...(I'm gagging just thinking about it).

FLASHBACK TO PREGNANCY DAYS: I was so incredibly sick every day that I was pregnant I had to get really creative with methods and places to throw up. One night after we had eaten mexican (why did I even think that was a good idea?) anyway, it was about 3:00 am and I was sick, sick, sick. Cooper apparently did not like tacos...So I'm in the bathroom because as you can imagine with mexican, "throwing up" was not my only symptom...so I know I'll never make it outside but can't bring myself to barf in the toilet so I run to the bathtub and manage to puke like 45 times...now remember I'm pregnant, disoriented, it's the middle of the night and I generally don't have a ton of common sense. I decide to try and wash it down with water...unfortunately our tub was draining slow and the water was just making one giant vomit soup swirling around and around in our tub...*shudder* okay, so being that I was exhausted I just threw a bath towel over the water-vomit and went back to bed. Needless to say by the next morning it had all congealed to the bottom of the tub and Craig was not thrilled to find it there...(at least he didn't not look and just STEP into the tub...that would have been worse...)

BACK TO LAST NIGHT: similar scenario except substitute stomach virus for pregnancy and it was 4:00 am not 3:00 and also I was wearing my glasses that only have one lens so you have to picture it all with me looking like a pirate.

I was sick in the bathroom again and was in no way going to make it to the great outdoors. I held my head over the sink and let it rip. Unfortunately what I had for supper was chicken fetachini (okay I have no idea how to spell that) alfredo and oreos...not pleasant...

Afterwards I started to run water in the sink and of course IT DOESN'T DRAIN. Because plumbing that actually worked correctly would cause my brain to explode...and no one wants that...and keep in mind that I'm actually bent over the sink to get a closer look at what's going on because I am so very blind...

I go to get the magic fix-it, a walmart bag. If I could only scoop it up into the plastic bag and tie it I could forget about it and go back to bed...BUT no good vomit story is complete without some kind of perilous adventure. When I went to get paper towels (for the sopping up) we were out. (Of course we were)! When I got back to the bathroom Mercy (my most curious cat) was trying to see what was in the sink and if she could possibly eat it). GROSS. Getting the cat off the counter was a challenge because she was determined.

I was still stuck. Some of the water had drained but not all of it and of course non of the actual vomit because...well vomit was not meant to go down a drain...this I should have remembered...I worked with what I had. I used diapers (clean ones) to absorb and clean out the sink. Thank God for Luvs...my only other thought was to maybe open up like twenty maxi pads with wings and line the sink with them. I figured eventually they would have soaked it up.

And if nothing else it would have given Craig one more reason to shake his head and make fun of me.

It Just Doesn't Make Good Sense...

I received an email from a company which I had ordered checks from the last time we were out. Since we are currently out of checks again I actually opened the email to see if they were having a great internet sale...no. As it turns out IF I was a new customer I could get my 2nd box of checks for only $0.10 but since I am a recurring customer my 2nd box of checks would be a hefty $10.95! SERIOUSLY?! It's like I'm being punished for being a repeat customer...it's like the stores that give you the card with punchouts and everytime you visit you get a punchout and after you fill up your card you get a prize, except their way of rewarding you is asking you bend over so they can simultaneously kick you and post a "sucker" sign on your back...REALLY?!

So this prompted me to look for another online site to order checks from and low and behold they were having a "new customer" sale too and since I'm a new customer to them that's where I'll be ordering checks from and I'm guessing it's safe to say that from now on until the ends of our lives I will use a different check company every single time we run out of checks...

Text Conversation between Becca and Me, just now

Becca's Location: apparently on the football field after school

My Location: alone at my desk (like usual)

Becca: -sigh-theyre practicin for homecoming. homecoming girls are so stupid.

Me: that wasnt very nice but it was very random and for that i appreciated it...

Becca: yeah well sometimes the truth hurts. and sometimes random truth hurts even worse.

Me: that made me lol and then snort at my desk

Apparently we're all going to die...

I just found out that my poppop, (who's 69 and just spent 3 weeks in the hospital and has a permanent indwelling catheter and cane OH and did i mention alzheimers...) yeah that one, he's on his way to go buy a MOTORCYCLE...my response was...SERIOUSLY?! REALLY?! I had to take off from work to help you get from your chair to the car so that you could go to the hospital and YOU THINK YOU CAN SAFELY RIDE A MOTORCYCLE?!

Some of my favorite responses to this newest fiasco have been:
mom (while talking to me): "Just be careful on the road today...be very very careful..."
uncle mark: "What the #$%* does he think he's going to do with a motorcycle?!"
AND THE BEST ONE YET:
angela: "PROBABLY THERE'S A REASON THAT MOTORCYCLES DON'T COME WITH A PLACE TO HOLD YOUR CANE..."

Everyone say an extra prayer today...

~shannon