Showing posts with label big list of grievances. Show all posts
Showing posts with label big list of grievances. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
DISAPPOINTMENT IS:
when you put you frozen dinner in the microwave and you think you hit start but then the phone rings and someone distracts you for 15 minutes asking why their daughter got arrested and then you go back to the microwave expecting warm noodley goodness and instead you have FROZEN SLUDGE. that is disappointment and that is all...
Friday, September 18, 2009
WHEN IT WENT FROM BAD TO WORSE...
So Monday night we stayed with my mother in law which is never the most comfortable thing because while there I sleep on a love seat. Now I know what you're thinking "um isn't a love seat those little tiny couches that are like 2 feet long?" And yes, you would be correct on that but it's not really horrible because generally I curl up in a ball to sleep anyway. So normally I sleep on the love seat and Cooper sleeps in a portable crib beside me. Craig sleeps on the big couch because he's a whiner and always goes to bed first.
Well on Monday the portable crib wasn't there because someone needed it for her second SURPRISE illegitimate grandchild. (That's another story for another time).
So Joann's like "why don't you sleep on the couch with Cooper?" Ummmm yeah I don't know because maybe my butt is as friggin wide as the f-ing love seat to begin with so I fear there would be NO ROOM LEFT FOR COOPER. And by the way thanks for the heads up that the crib was no longer at your house BEFORE I left my house (which has both a bed AND a crib).
So me and Coop ended up on the floor because OH YEAH Craig had been asleep on the big couch, for I don't know, HOURS. Joann was kind enough to make us a "pallet" so I mean, what else could I ask for? So we lay down and it's all I don't know, 1000 degrees in her house so I turn two (2!) fans on in the hope that we don't spontaneously combust during the night. It was so hot at one point all I could think about was taking my pants off. And nothing says parenting at it's best than laying pantless on a pallet with your baby.
Maybe it was because we weren't at home, maybe it was because we weren't surrounded by cats and MAYBE it was because we were laying on a f-ing hard wood floor but whatever the case Cooper would not go to sleep. He was completely restless. He would thrash and kick and roll and this was completely unfortunate because every time he rolled he rolled into the wooden coffee table and every time he thrashed he managed to hit his head on the hard wood floor and every time he kicked he managed to freakin kick me.
I've always heard of people complaining about their kid moving around so much while sleeping and how they can't stand that and I've always been like I love it when Cooper moves, just one more indication that he's breathing and okay, well now I get it, NOW I FRIGGIN GET IT. It is not fun to be kicked in the head while trying to sleep.
So we made it through the night and I have never been so glad to get up early and go to the dentist because that just means that someone is probing in my mouth and causing me great pain and that indicates that the night is over and anything is better than laying pantless on hard wood while being kicked in the head.
Well on Monday the portable crib wasn't there because someone needed it for her second SURPRISE illegitimate grandchild. (That's another story for another time).
So Joann's like "why don't you sleep on the couch with Cooper?" Ummmm yeah I don't know because maybe my butt is as friggin wide as the f-ing love seat to begin with so I fear there would be NO ROOM LEFT FOR COOPER. And by the way thanks for the heads up that the crib was no longer at your house BEFORE I left my house (which has both a bed AND a crib).
So me and Coop ended up on the floor because OH YEAH Craig had been asleep on the big couch, for I don't know, HOURS. Joann was kind enough to make us a "pallet" so I mean, what else could I ask for? So we lay down and it's all I don't know, 1000 degrees in her house so I turn two (2!) fans on in the hope that we don't spontaneously combust during the night. It was so hot at one point all I could think about was taking my pants off. And nothing says parenting at it's best than laying pantless on a pallet with your baby.
Maybe it was because we weren't at home, maybe it was because we weren't surrounded by cats and MAYBE it was because we were laying on a f-ing hard wood floor but whatever the case Cooper would not go to sleep. He was completely restless. He would thrash and kick and roll and this was completely unfortunate because every time he rolled he rolled into the wooden coffee table and every time he thrashed he managed to hit his head on the hard wood floor and every time he kicked he managed to freakin kick me.
I've always heard of people complaining about their kid moving around so much while sleeping and how they can't stand that and I've always been like I love it when Cooper moves, just one more indication that he's breathing and okay, well now I get it, NOW I FRIGGIN GET IT. It is not fun to be kicked in the head while trying to sleep.
So we made it through the night and I have never been so glad to get up early and go to the dentist because that just means that someone is probing in my mouth and causing me great pain and that indicates that the night is over and anything is better than laying pantless on hard wood while being kicked in the head.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
A Sliver of Chance for Life on Mars REALLY?! SERIOUSLY?!
"A Sliver of Chance for Life on Mars" This was the title to one of the featured news stories on yahoo today. The article goes on to say that because at night a PHENOMENON happens when some of the water vapor in the atmosphere evaporates and creates dew...DEW...and apparently this means at one time this "dew" could have supported life in a martian climate.
You know what? I couldn't give a TINY RAT'S DO-DO MAKER (thank you elliot) if there is life on mars, if there WAS life on mars of even if there is going to be life on mars eventually. What pisses me off is that there is PLENTY OF LIFE ON EARTH AND THEY'RE STARVING!
Nasa has spent almost a year on this mars/dew theory.
They have a special instrument they've been using: (see quote from article):
[The TECP "was like the Swiss army knife of instruments," says Aaron Zent of NASA Ames Research Center. It was equipped with a four-pronged fork that could be stuck into the ground to measure soil moisture and temperature. It also had a sensor for relative humidity.]
Hell, couldn't they have just stuck their hand in the soil to see if it was wet or not?
I won't harp on my opinions of the wasted money going to the space program but I will leave you with this note:
NEXT TIME INSTEAD OF SPENDING A YEAR, CREATING SPECIAL INSTRUMENTS AND WASTING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO COME WITH A CONCLUSION AS GOOD AS "A SLIVER OF CHANCE FOR LIFE ON MARS" HOW ABOUT WE TAKE THAT MONEY, THAT KNOWLEDGE AND THAT WORK FORCE AND USE IT TOWARD:
~FEEDING THE HUNGRY CHILDREN? WHAT IF WE WENT TO BED AT NIGHT AND KNEW EVERYONE WAS AS FULL AS WE WERE?
~HOW ABOUT WE REBUILD HOMES AND HABITATS. WHAT IF "THE HOMELESS" BECAME THE NEWEST ENDANGERED SPECIES BECAUSE THEY FOUND HOMES?
~WHAT IF WE USED MIGHTY RESOURCES AND CREATED JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED. WHAT IF WE HAD TO COME UP WITH NEW JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE WORKERS?
~WHAT IF WE CONCENTRATED ON WORKING TOWARD A SOLUTION TO FERTILITY AND ABORTION...WHAT IF WE DISCOVERED A WAY TO TAKE AN ALREADY IMPLANTED EMBRYO OUT OF A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WANT IT AND PUT IT INTO A WOMAN DESPERATE FOR A CHILD? HOW MANY WOMEN WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THIS INSTEAD OF DESTROYING HUMAN LIFE? HOW MANY LIVES WOULD IT SAVE?
I don't know if there was ever life on mars. I know there's life on earth. Precious life that is too easily discarded, so...."sliver of chance"...how about a new title "LIFE ON EARTH? YOU BETCHA!"
You know what? I couldn't give a TINY RAT'S DO-DO MAKER (thank you elliot) if there is life on mars, if there WAS life on mars of even if there is going to be life on mars eventually. What pisses me off is that there is PLENTY OF LIFE ON EARTH AND THEY'RE STARVING!
Nasa has spent almost a year on this mars/dew theory.
They have a special instrument they've been using: (see quote from article):
[The TECP "was like the Swiss army knife of instruments," says Aaron Zent of NASA Ames Research Center. It was equipped with a four-pronged fork that could be stuck into the ground to measure soil moisture and temperature. It also had a sensor for relative humidity.]
Hell, couldn't they have just stuck their hand in the soil to see if it was wet or not?
I won't harp on my opinions of the wasted money going to the space program but I will leave you with this note:
NEXT TIME INSTEAD OF SPENDING A YEAR, CREATING SPECIAL INSTRUMENTS AND WASTING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO COME WITH A CONCLUSION AS GOOD AS "A SLIVER OF CHANCE FOR LIFE ON MARS" HOW ABOUT WE TAKE THAT MONEY, THAT KNOWLEDGE AND THAT WORK FORCE AND USE IT TOWARD:
~FEEDING THE HUNGRY CHILDREN? WHAT IF WE WENT TO BED AT NIGHT AND KNEW EVERYONE WAS AS FULL AS WE WERE?
~HOW ABOUT WE REBUILD HOMES AND HABITATS. WHAT IF "THE HOMELESS" BECAME THE NEWEST ENDANGERED SPECIES BECAUSE THEY FOUND HOMES?
~WHAT IF WE USED MIGHTY RESOURCES AND CREATED JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED. WHAT IF WE HAD TO COME UP WITH NEW JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE WORKERS?
~WHAT IF WE CONCENTRATED ON WORKING TOWARD A SOLUTION TO FERTILITY AND ABORTION...WHAT IF WE DISCOVERED A WAY TO TAKE AN ALREADY IMPLANTED EMBRYO OUT OF A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WANT IT AND PUT IT INTO A WOMAN DESPERATE FOR A CHILD? HOW MANY WOMEN WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THIS INSTEAD OF DESTROYING HUMAN LIFE? HOW MANY LIVES WOULD IT SAVE?
I don't know if there was ever life on mars. I know there's life on earth. Precious life that is too easily discarded, so...."sliver of chance"...how about a new title "LIFE ON EARTH? YOU BETCHA!"
Friday, January 2, 2009
THE ONE in which you find us all in snotty heap...dead.
So Cooper has RSV...sucks majorly. He also has an ear infection in BOTH count em BOTH ears! (According to my grandma, this is all my fault because I let him run around naked, ie: fully clothed minus the socks...) And I want to be all like, "grandma I don't think I'm the problem, the infection is in his ears NOT HIS FEET." If he had contracted gan-green then SURE I might take the fall for that one...but this, I'm not going down for.
Anyway so he's pretty miserable but THANK THE GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN much, much better than at the first of the week. He gets a breathing treatment three times a day and an antibiotic twice a day and we suction his nose as often as we feel like taking our lives in our own hands because seriously have you ever tried to stick something up the nose of a very strong octopus? Have you?
So I am thrilled and thankful that he is on the road to recovery and I have to give a shout out to Craig (my house husband as of this week), who has taken care of Cooper the majority of the time. Him and my mom took him to the doctor. Craig picked up the meds. Craig has given him all the breathing treatments and the antibiotic too for that matter. And he's also been the chief bottle maker (and dish washer), HOW LUCKY AM I?!
The reason Craig has taken so much responsibility is that my job has required me to be here this week. We have a new sheriff and administration taking over and the chaos is imminent and frowned upon if missed by any employee. Yay me, barrel full of fun...
So about that snot. I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick. I guess I have the adult version (aka: much milder) of RSV. I'm sniffing, coughing, wheezing, all cold symptoms apply. Granted I would much rather be sick than Cooper and if I could take this illness from him I would, however nature had a different approach in mind. Nature feels that if one in your herd gets sick that the whole herd is condemned and then it does it's best to weed out the weak ones from the pack. Currently nature is trying to wipe the Sexton's off the map...
As of now Craig is not sick....I'm holding my breath but...Craig has the immune system of a half dead donkey...seriously, he usually catches whatever is going around. I attribute him not getting sick thus far as nothing but the Sovernity of God since I really couldn't miss work and Cooper really needed one sober parent (not doped up on Robitussin), to take care of him. But it's probably coming. Change is coming and I fear that, that change for Craig is his health. I mean seriously can you live with two sicklings and not catch it yourself? I think not. Especially when one of them does things like COUGH IN YOUR MOUTH. (I was informed by Becca that today while visiting Cooper she leaned down and opened her mouth and he went AUGHHCK right in her face. So yeah, she's going to get it too...
So Monday (if we're not dead by then), Craig is supposed to write down when he wants to use all of his vacation/sick days...Yeah he's expected to KNOW when he's going to be sick for twelve months...is this realistic? Not in the least. Vacation I could understand (it would still be annoying to try and figure out when you're going to need that work reprieve most so you don't go postal, so far in advance but I still get it for vacation). But when your days double as vacation/sick it's pretty much impossible to utilize any of them as sick days...ughghgh. Just one more thing to look forward to, you can count on at least a couple of days when you are sick and have to take an unpaid day...Did I mention "ughghghghgh"...
So to recap we're all either sick or getting sick and we're destined to die in a snotty heap while NOT GETTING PAID for it!
Anyway so he's pretty miserable but THANK THE GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN much, much better than at the first of the week. He gets a breathing treatment three times a day and an antibiotic twice a day and we suction his nose as often as we feel like taking our lives in our own hands because seriously have you ever tried to stick something up the nose of a very strong octopus? Have you?
So I am thrilled and thankful that he is on the road to recovery and I have to give a shout out to Craig (my house husband as of this week), who has taken care of Cooper the majority of the time. Him and my mom took him to the doctor. Craig picked up the meds. Craig has given him all the breathing treatments and the antibiotic too for that matter. And he's also been the chief bottle maker (and dish washer), HOW LUCKY AM I?!
The reason Craig has taken so much responsibility is that my job has required me to be here this week. We have a new sheriff and administration taking over and the chaos is imminent and frowned upon if missed by any employee. Yay me, barrel full of fun...
So about that snot. I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick. I guess I have the adult version (aka: much milder) of RSV. I'm sniffing, coughing, wheezing, all cold symptoms apply. Granted I would much rather be sick than Cooper and if I could take this illness from him I would, however nature had a different approach in mind. Nature feels that if one in your herd gets sick that the whole herd is condemned and then it does it's best to weed out the weak ones from the pack. Currently nature is trying to wipe the Sexton's off the map...
As of now Craig is not sick....I'm holding my breath but...Craig has the immune system of a half dead donkey...seriously, he usually catches whatever is going around. I attribute him not getting sick thus far as nothing but the Sovernity of God since I really couldn't miss work and Cooper really needed one sober parent (not doped up on Robitussin), to take care of him. But it's probably coming. Change is coming and I fear that, that change for Craig is his health. I mean seriously can you live with two sicklings and not catch it yourself? I think not. Especially when one of them does things like COUGH IN YOUR MOUTH. (I was informed by Becca that today while visiting Cooper she leaned down and opened her mouth and he went AUGHHCK right in her face. So yeah, she's going to get it too...
So Monday (if we're not dead by then), Craig is supposed to write down when he wants to use all of his vacation/sick days...Yeah he's expected to KNOW when he's going to be sick for twelve months...is this realistic? Not in the least. Vacation I could understand (it would still be annoying to try and figure out when you're going to need that work reprieve most so you don't go postal, so far in advance but I still get it for vacation). But when your days double as vacation/sick it's pretty much impossible to utilize any of them as sick days...ughghgh. Just one more thing to look forward to, you can count on at least a couple of days when you are sick and have to take an unpaid day...Did I mention "ughghghghgh"...
So to recap we're all either sick or getting sick and we're destined to die in a snotty heap while NOT GETTING PAID for it!
Friday, December 19, 2008
1 HOUR, 40 MINUTES TO GO...
until i get off...basically all im doing at the moment is killing time...riding the clock...looking busy. should we have to work the week before Christmas? my answer is no, unless of course you're in retail and then i think stores should have to stay open 24/7 until Christmas eve so all of us who have procrastinated all year long can finish their shopping...that is if we had any money to do it with...which we probably don't.
we had to pay for Craig's school the other day (which i had totally forgotten was due) and was kind of in shock and totally unprepared and i did not have $431. So trying to be the responsible self-reliant adult that i strive to be (insert eye rolls here), i called my credit card company to see if they could extend my credit limit so we could charge it...i was informed that i had sufficient credit for someone with my economic status...REALLY?! ARE YOU SURE?! because i think *I THINK* if i truly had sufficient credit then i wouldnt have called to try and get more...
and why does the internet always tell you this will work? every money saving article is always like "call the credit card company, they will work with you. they'll extend your credit limit. they'll take that late charge off. they'll reduce your interest rate..." SERIOUSLY INTERNET?! I FEEL LIKE YOU LIE TO ME...i mean maybe they would extend YOUR credit limit but maybe thats because you're apparently some kind of FINANCIAL ADVISOR since you're writing articles about it...but for me (joe-the-non-plumber) they feel that i have sufficient enough credit...
now we could have easily borrowed the money from my parents but they probably would have lent us cash to which i would feel compelled to pay back the next week when we got payed and really i had already planned to use that money for useful things like Christmas presents and...cheese...so i needed a financial lender who was willing to put up a credit card for us. so we called craig's mom and she charged it for us...yay for people with SUFFICIENT UNTAPPED CREDIT...
ANYWAY that was kind of a random tirade...like i said me: bored. and for some reason im not capitalizing or punctuating...is punctuating a word? hmmm im not sure...
so its almost a new year so we should all be making resolutions that we intend to keep but will probably break before january 2nd...i could write a whole book about resolutions that i need to make but i wont bore you...either that or im afraid that once i put it in writing i'll feel compelled to stick with it...
i was thinking maybe id like to win something this next year...a car would be nice...but seriously i was thinking i might enter lots of contests next year. like maybe at least one a day? contests are everywhere: internet, magazines, stores, etc. but anyway im thinking if i find at least one contest to enter a day (and blog about it) i would be bound to win SOMETHING. and if after 365 times of entering and not winning i think we can conclude that all of that is a scam...and that we've been lied to...
so anyway let me know what you think...or not...whatever...im going back to looking busy for...75 more minutes...
we had to pay for Craig's school the other day (which i had totally forgotten was due) and was kind of in shock and totally unprepared and i did not have $431. So trying to be the responsible self-reliant adult that i strive to be (insert eye rolls here), i called my credit card company to see if they could extend my credit limit so we could charge it...i was informed that i had sufficient credit for someone with my economic status...REALLY?! ARE YOU SURE?! because i think *I THINK* if i truly had sufficient credit then i wouldnt have called to try and get more...
and why does the internet always tell you this will work? every money saving article is always like "call the credit card company, they will work with you. they'll extend your credit limit. they'll take that late charge off. they'll reduce your interest rate..." SERIOUSLY INTERNET?! I FEEL LIKE YOU LIE TO ME...i mean maybe they would extend YOUR credit limit but maybe thats because you're apparently some kind of FINANCIAL ADVISOR since you're writing articles about it...but for me (joe-the-non-plumber) they feel that i have sufficient enough credit...
now we could have easily borrowed the money from my parents but they probably would have lent us cash to which i would feel compelled to pay back the next week when we got payed and really i had already planned to use that money for useful things like Christmas presents and...cheese...so i needed a financial lender who was willing to put up a credit card for us. so we called craig's mom and she charged it for us...yay for people with SUFFICIENT UNTAPPED CREDIT...
ANYWAY that was kind of a random tirade...like i said me: bored. and for some reason im not capitalizing or punctuating...is punctuating a word? hmmm im not sure...
so its almost a new year so we should all be making resolutions that we intend to keep but will probably break before january 2nd...i could write a whole book about resolutions that i need to make but i wont bore you...either that or im afraid that once i put it in writing i'll feel compelled to stick with it...
i was thinking maybe id like to win something this next year...a car would be nice...but seriously i was thinking i might enter lots of contests next year. like maybe at least one a day? contests are everywhere: internet, magazines, stores, etc. but anyway im thinking if i find at least one contest to enter a day (and blog about it) i would be bound to win SOMETHING. and if after 365 times of entering and not winning i think we can conclude that all of that is a scam...and that we've been lied to...
so anyway let me know what you think...or not...whatever...im going back to looking busy for...75 more minutes...
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
THE *puppy* MOTHER OF ALL PET PEEVES
~So I'm sitting out front at my lovely job and someone calls and they're like "yeah...ummm..do you like got the number for....ya know....like my probation officer...? "Who is your probation officer?" "ummmm I don't know like his name or nothin..." "okay...well there are several I'll just give the number to one." "do you think it'll...like...be the one I need...?" I DON'T KNOW SIR, WHY DON'T YOU STOP ROLLING YOUR DOOBIES LONG ENOUGH TO FIND YOUR *puppy* PAPERWORK AND FIND THE NAME OF OWN FREAKIN *puppy* PROBATION OFFICER AND THEN CALL ME BACK!!!!
~(a phone conversation):
me: sheriff's office
caller: hey!
me: hello.
caller: could you give me the number to the probate court?
me: sure, it's 706-
caller: WAIT! I don't have a pen!
me: okay.
caller: (background noise) HEY LEROY! LE-ROY! YOU GOT A PEN?!
leroy: A WHAT?!
caller: A PEN. A PENCIL. SOMETHIN TO WRITE WITH!
leroy: WHAT IN THE #%&* ARE YOU YELLIN ABOUT. I CAN'T HEAR MY WRESTLIN!
caller: DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MY MAMA WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU. I SHOULD TAKE THIS FRYING PAN AND HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD!
me: UH, MA'AM...MA'AM! I'M STILL HERE...
caller: YOU SORRY PIECE O CRAP, GET OFF YOUR LAZY @#$ AND GET A *puppy* JOB! WHERE THE %#^*& DID I PUT MY GUN?!
me: MA'AM! MA'AM!! DO YOU NEED AN OFFICER?! HELLO?!
caller: hey, I'm back. sorry about that, had to find me a pen!
me: umm is everything okay?
caller: right as rain, I'm ready for that number now!
~A CONVERSATION IN THE FRONT LOBBY:
me: how can I help you?
man: I need to get fingerprinted for a gun permit
me: (pointing) okay just walk around the side of the building, through the double doors.
man: around this side (pointing)
me: yes sir, just around the side, through the double doors
(as he's walking out the door I see him turn the wrong way...)
(5 minutes later)
man: uh ma'am I hate bother you again but I walked around and couldn't find any doors
me: (standing up and pointing and gesturing) you walk THAT way around THAT side of the building and go through THAT set of doors
man: okay thank you ma'am
(6 minutes later)
man: ma'am...
me: yes?
man: I found the doors but there wasn't nobody at that desk
me: did you see the front window? did you see the sign? the sign that said PLEASE RING FOR ASSISTANCE? did you ring the bell? DID YOU? no you didnt? okay well then that would be wherein your problem lies...that and the fact that you are SO STUPID you cant follow simple direction like around the MOTHER *puppy* SIDE OF THE BUILDING! I mean seriously sir DO YOU NEED A GUN? because frankly if you can't find the side of the building and you clearly aren't capable of ringing a *puppy* *puppy* bell then I'm not sure that I want you packin heat!
~(a phone conversation):
me: sheriff's office
caller: hey!
me: hello.
caller: could you give me the number to the probate court?
me: sure, it's 706-
caller: WAIT! I don't have a pen!
me: okay.
caller: (background noise) HEY LEROY! LE-ROY! YOU GOT A PEN?!
leroy: A WHAT?!
caller: A PEN. A PENCIL. SOMETHIN TO WRITE WITH!
leroy: WHAT IN THE #%&* ARE YOU YELLIN ABOUT. I CAN'T HEAR MY WRESTLIN!
caller: DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MY MAMA WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU. I SHOULD TAKE THIS FRYING PAN AND HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD!
me: UH, MA'AM...MA'AM! I'M STILL HERE...
caller: YOU SORRY PIECE O CRAP, GET OFF YOUR LAZY @#$ AND GET A *puppy* JOB! WHERE THE %#^*& DID I PUT MY GUN?!
me: MA'AM! MA'AM!! DO YOU NEED AN OFFICER?! HELLO?!
caller: hey, I'm back. sorry about that, had to find me a pen!
me: umm is everything okay?
caller: right as rain, I'm ready for that number now!
~A CONVERSATION IN THE FRONT LOBBY:
me: how can I help you?
man: I need to get fingerprinted for a gun permit
me: (pointing) okay just walk around the side of the building, through the double doors.
man: around this side (pointing)
me: yes sir, just around the side, through the double doors
(as he's walking out the door I see him turn the wrong way...)
(5 minutes later)
man: uh ma'am I hate bother you again but I walked around and couldn't find any doors
me: (standing up and pointing and gesturing) you walk THAT way around THAT side of the building and go through THAT set of doors
man: okay thank you ma'am
(6 minutes later)
man: ma'am...
me: yes?
man: I found the doors but there wasn't nobody at that desk
me: did you see the front window? did you see the sign? the sign that said PLEASE RING FOR ASSISTANCE? did you ring the bell? DID YOU? no you didnt? okay well then that would be wherein your problem lies...that and the fact that you are SO STUPID you cant follow simple direction like around the MOTHER *puppy* SIDE OF THE BUILDING! I mean seriously sir DO YOU NEED A GUN? because frankly if you can't find the side of the building and you clearly aren't capable of ringing a *puppy* *puppy* bell then I'm not sure that I want you packin heat!
Monday, December 1, 2008
My Drug Induced Rage
Black Friday was a bleak day for me and the walmart pharmacy.
Thanksgiving night (midnight) me, Becca, Crystal, Brandy and Heather headed out to the outlet mall (where we only got a parking space thanks to wonderful JOSHY)! Anyway so we shop (which at the outlet mall on Thanksgiving at midnight consists of walking in the cold and squeezing into stores that haven't yet reached their maximum capacity as stated by the fire marshall [the ones that have, have people standing outside to get IN, we didn't attempt these] and then inching our way around finding one or two deals and then realizing that the mob of people standing butt to front, squished together in a line that snakes around the store three times and out the door is actually the check out line to pay...then putting your stupid cheap t-shirt up and walking out in the cold again). So yeah that's what we did until like 4:00 in the morning. We get back to Joann's and I get a few *few* hours sleep because Cooper wakes up. See he doesn't realize that his mommy is a crazy person that spent all the hours that he was asleep doing stupid, stupid things in the cold so he is bright eyed and bushy tailed and I'm like "I am going to die...ughghgh"
After a few more hours (none of which were spent sleeping and I have to admit some of which were spent at target...it's like I'm a glutton for punishment...). So Craig has gotten progressively worse (he has previously been sick). Of course this didn't stop him from going to home depot three times...YES THREE. On the same day.
He decided when we got back to town he would go to the walmart quick care clinic. So while he does this I shop around walmart (I know!) and Becca stays in the car with sleeping Coop. After he gets out of the clinic he tells me that they called him in an antibiotic to the walmart pharmacy and it will be ready in 30 minutes. I tell him that I'm finding a few things and why doesn't he take Becca and Cooper to mom and dad's and let them keep him until we get done.
Fast forward 45 minutes to 1 hour later. Craig gets back to walmart, I finish shopping and we head to the pharmacy. Here's where things get ugly...we wait in line (ugh the line...) and finally it's our turn. Craig tells her his name and she checks the computer and this is where Craig severed all ties with the cashier and I took over the conversation...
cashier- "oh okay well that's been called in and but it's not ready yet because we didn't know you were "in store".
me: "what? what do you mean you didn't know we were in store? we were in the freakin clinic. that's in the FREAKIN STORE! the clinic told us it would be 30 minutes."
cashier-"well...actually...you're supposed to come check in back here at the pharmacy and let us know that you're going to be waiting to pick it up...because otherwise we don't know you're "in store"
me: trying to kill her with my dagger eyes
cashier: with a smirky smile "it will be about 30 minutes"
me: "what the frick? WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD PASS ALONG THIS INFORMATION TO THE CLINIC, (THAT YOU SHOULD CHECK IN) BECAUSE THEY'RE TELLING PEOPLE THAT THEIR MEDICINE WILL BE READY IN 30 MINUTES AND CLEARLY IT'S NOT. SO I GUESS I'LL JUST GO THE FRICK HOME, PICK UP MY SICK BABY, DRIVE MY SICK HUSBAND BACK TO THE STORE AND THEN COME THE FRICK BACK HERE!"
(I tend to exaggerate sometimes but this is truthfully pretty much word for word how this conversation went).
Then i walked away raging and telling everyone I saw that I knew, about how much the stupid pharmacy sucks. (And one of my BFF's works there and she is awesome and had she been there this incident wouldn't have happened because she's smart enough to know the clinic is INSIDE the store).
So we leave and I tell Craig to take me to Rite-Aid because I'm going to find out how to transfer our prescriptions there. I go in and talk to the NICEST pharmacy tech and she tells me they just call walmart and get it transferred. I ask how long it would take. She says 20 minutes...let's do it!
So the pharmacist calls and I can hear his side of the conversation: "oh it's already ready...well she's here and she wants it transferred..." and I'm like "that's amazing that they could fill it that fast since they told me it would take another 30 minutes". The tech said I certainly wasn't the first person with this complaint.
So after spending 10 minutes (TOTAL) in Rite-Aid I walked out with Craig's prescription and a $30.00 gift card for transferring a prescription. WOO HOO!
After a few days to clear my head I thought maybe *maybe* I had over-reacted a little bit because of my tiredness and the fact that I was walking/shopping zombie...but looking back I'm proud of the decision that I made...I mean really, do I want people who don't even realize that the WALMART CLINIC is located IN the walmart dispensing me pills...I think not.
Thanksgiving night (midnight) me, Becca, Crystal, Brandy and Heather headed out to the outlet mall (where we only got a parking space thanks to wonderful JOSHY)! Anyway so we shop (which at the outlet mall on Thanksgiving at midnight consists of walking in the cold and squeezing into stores that haven't yet reached their maximum capacity as stated by the fire marshall [the ones that have, have people standing outside to get IN, we didn't attempt these] and then inching our way around finding one or two deals and then realizing that the mob of people standing butt to front, squished together in a line that snakes around the store three times and out the door is actually the check out line to pay...then putting your stupid cheap t-shirt up and walking out in the cold again). So yeah that's what we did until like 4:00 in the morning. We get back to Joann's and I get a few *few* hours sleep because Cooper wakes up. See he doesn't realize that his mommy is a crazy person that spent all the hours that he was asleep doing stupid, stupid things in the cold so he is bright eyed and bushy tailed and I'm like "I am going to die...ughghgh"
After a few more hours (none of which were spent sleeping and I have to admit some of which were spent at target...it's like I'm a glutton for punishment...). So Craig has gotten progressively worse (he has previously been sick). Of course this didn't stop him from going to home depot three times...YES THREE. On the same day.
He decided when we got back to town he would go to the walmart quick care clinic. So while he does this I shop around walmart (I know!) and Becca stays in the car with sleeping Coop. After he gets out of the clinic he tells me that they called him in an antibiotic to the walmart pharmacy and it will be ready in 30 minutes. I tell him that I'm finding a few things and why doesn't he take Becca and Cooper to mom and dad's and let them keep him until we get done.
Fast forward 45 minutes to 1 hour later. Craig gets back to walmart, I finish shopping and we head to the pharmacy. Here's where things get ugly...we wait in line (ugh the line...) and finally it's our turn. Craig tells her his name and she checks the computer and this is where Craig severed all ties with the cashier and I took over the conversation...
cashier- "oh okay well that's been called in and but it's not ready yet because we didn't know you were "in store".
me: "what? what do you mean you didn't know we were in store? we were in the freakin clinic. that's in the FREAKIN STORE! the clinic told us it would be 30 minutes."
cashier-"well...actually...you're supposed to come check in back here at the pharmacy and let us know that you're going to be waiting to pick it up...because otherwise we don't know you're "in store"
me: trying to kill her with my dagger eyes
cashier: with a smirky smile "it will be about 30 minutes"
me: "what the frick? WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD PASS ALONG THIS INFORMATION TO THE CLINIC, (THAT YOU SHOULD CHECK IN) BECAUSE THEY'RE TELLING PEOPLE THAT THEIR MEDICINE WILL BE READY IN 30 MINUTES AND CLEARLY IT'S NOT. SO I GUESS I'LL JUST GO THE FRICK HOME, PICK UP MY SICK BABY, DRIVE MY SICK HUSBAND BACK TO THE STORE AND THEN COME THE FRICK BACK HERE!"
(I tend to exaggerate sometimes but this is truthfully pretty much word for word how this conversation went).
Then i walked away raging and telling everyone I saw that I knew, about how much the stupid pharmacy sucks. (And one of my BFF's works there and she is awesome and had she been there this incident wouldn't have happened because she's smart enough to know the clinic is INSIDE the store).
So we leave and I tell Craig to take me to Rite-Aid because I'm going to find out how to transfer our prescriptions there. I go in and talk to the NICEST pharmacy tech and she tells me they just call walmart and get it transferred. I ask how long it would take. She says 20 minutes...let's do it!
So the pharmacist calls and I can hear his side of the conversation: "oh it's already ready...well she's here and she wants it transferred..." and I'm like "that's amazing that they could fill it that fast since they told me it would take another 30 minutes". The tech said I certainly wasn't the first person with this complaint.
So after spending 10 minutes (TOTAL) in Rite-Aid I walked out with Craig's prescription and a $30.00 gift card for transferring a prescription. WOO HOO!
After a few days to clear my head I thought maybe *maybe* I had over-reacted a little bit because of my tiredness and the fact that I was walking/shopping zombie...but looking back I'm proud of the decision that I made...I mean really, do I want people who don't even realize that the WALMART CLINIC is located IN the walmart dispensing me pills...I think not.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
okay GRETCHEN, here's your freakin blog...
I was told to write a blog so here's whats on my mind right now...
My current gripe and pet peeve:
there is a family waiting to see an investigator in the front lobby. I am sitting at the front desk because I was the unfortunate loser of the day. The mom is sitting in the chair facing me (even though there are plenty of chairs that don't require her to stare directly at me), and she's gripping about various things such as that she's cold, blah blah blah.
Her kid, a TEENAGE girl is spinning around right in front of the glass window to my office. She spins and spins and spins all the while saying "THE ROOM IS SPINNING, THE ROOM IS SPINNING" then she crashes spread eagle into the window (picture a bug hitting your windshield).
This is beyond annoying and distracting and I can't even eat my cheesy spaghetti bake because of the pandemonium AND THE FRIGGIN STARRING.
And this is not a little girl. If she was 3 I might (*might* depending vastly on my mood) find this endearing and cute but the girl is at least 13...(and not mentally handicapped...) although maybe if she hits the glass a few more times she'll qualify...
My current gripe and pet peeve:
there is a family waiting to see an investigator in the front lobby. I am sitting at the front desk because I was the unfortunate loser of the day. The mom is sitting in the chair facing me (even though there are plenty of chairs that don't require her to stare directly at me), and she's gripping about various things such as that she's cold, blah blah blah.
Her kid, a TEENAGE girl is spinning around right in front of the glass window to my office. She spins and spins and spins all the while saying "THE ROOM IS SPINNING, THE ROOM IS SPINNING" then she crashes spread eagle into the window (picture a bug hitting your windshield).
This is beyond annoying and distracting and I can't even eat my cheesy spaghetti bake because of the pandemonium AND THE FRIGGIN STARRING.
And this is not a little girl. If she was 3 I might (*might* depending vastly on my mood) find this endearing and cute but the girl is at least 13...(and not mentally handicapped...) although maybe if she hits the glass a few more times she'll qualify...
Friday, October 31, 2008
My email RANT to Ingle's
(this post is an email comment in it's entirety left by ME for the Ingle's company, reference my several different rants and grievances I've had with them lately. I plan to post the response (if I get one). If you get bored easily and don't appreciate a good gripe, skip ahead to next post to find out that Dudley's a girl...)
I just wanted to first commend your corporation for having quality food at competitive prices. Going to Ingles used to be a treat since you offer a wide variety of different type foods HOWEVER my last two shopping experiences in the last two weeks have almost persuaded me to stick to Kroger and other competitors such as our local J&J.
I had received a coupon in the mail from the Purina company inviting me to try a new cat litter. The coupon was for one (1) free bag of Yesterday's News Cat Litter (value up to $6.99). When I went to purchase this (along with lots of other groceries), I was told you don't take "internet coupons" for free items. I explained that it wasn't an internet coupon and that the company had sent it to me in the mail. The cashier called the manager(I think she was the manager) over (Amy) and she said the same thing. I again explained it wasn't an internet coupon (it was on security backed paper and to me did not look like something that would be interpreted as a "fake" or a "printout"). Amy responded with "well it looks like an internet coupon." I just kept my coupon (and redeemed it at J&J) and asked Ingle's to take the litter off my order. There was also a bag of cat food that had rung up a different price than what was marked on the shelf and when I questioned it the manager? (Amy) was very snippy and rude.
I chalked this up to "everyone has a bad day" and tried not to let this experience ruin my opinion about your store.
Last night I was shopping with my mom, baby and friend. I was disappointed because the 9-Lives cat food that had been advertised for two weeks as being on sale, wasn't there. I could see where there had been some on the shelf but they were gone. (This was also the case last week when I went specifically for that cat food...I'm not sure if maybe they just had so few bags or if maybe I just keep going after everyone else cleans them out...).
We all got several things and proceeded to check out. My friend was in a separate line than us and she got done before us. She walked over and told me to check what my Michelina's frozen dinners were ringing up because her's rung up wrong. (They were supposed to be 5/$5 and her's were ringing up $1.25 each-normal price). (There was a large sign on the freezer door). Mine had also rung up wrong. I pointed this out to the cashier and he called Amy. (My friend informed me later that when her cashier had called her over that she had been very rude and wouldn't take her word for it and went to check herself. Okay fine but when she came back she was very hateful and said "those weren't on sale the sign says "assorted varieties" and it doesn't include those. Really? They were the pizza rolls and buffalo chicken variety...So the sale was for the lasagna only? If that was true shouldn't the sign have said "select varieties"? Minor detail but she said she would adjust the price. (Which I'm pretty sure was supposed to be the "sale price" anyway). So when she (Amy), got called to my register she really wasn't happy, slamming my boxes, and muttering things). After that I handed the cashier my coupons. (Not an excessive amount and not to exceed your strict coupon policy). He looked shocked and exclaimed to Amy "she's got coupons too!!!" like maybe I was the cheapest person he had ever met (and I very well might be, lol)! Amy looked confused and told him that was okay. (Again I'm not sure why he was so shocked).
So considering the several different cases of rude customer service, having to figure out exactly how many coupons i am actually allowed to use on a certain order and the fact that a lot of your sales seem to be gone by the time I make it to the store I think Kroger and J&J are a better fit for me. I might not find the exotic choices that I have at Ingles but in my opinion customer service and helpfulness more than make up the difference!
I'm sure this is not the norm for all of your stores, I guess I am just unfortunate that this is the case for the store closest to me, (Dawsonville, Georgia). I am in no way trying to get anyone in trouble and I'm not even saying I'm boycotting your store. It's hard to keep a REAL CHEAPSKATE like me away if there's a super sale but for the most part I'll be frequenting friendlier stores! I sincerely hope that maybe these incidents were isolated and hopefully other people are enjoying the Ingle's Advantage!
Thanks for your time,
Shannon Sexton
I just wanted to first commend your corporation for having quality food at competitive prices. Going to Ingles used to be a treat since you offer a wide variety of different type foods HOWEVER my last two shopping experiences in the last two weeks have almost persuaded me to stick to Kroger and other competitors such as our local J&J.
I had received a coupon in the mail from the Purina company inviting me to try a new cat litter. The coupon was for one (1) free bag of Yesterday's News Cat Litter (value up to $6.99). When I went to purchase this (along with lots of other groceries), I was told you don't take "internet coupons" for free items. I explained that it wasn't an internet coupon and that the company had sent it to me in the mail. The cashier called the manager(I think she was the manager) over (Amy) and she said the same thing. I again explained it wasn't an internet coupon (it was on security backed paper and to me did not look like something that would be interpreted as a "fake" or a "printout"). Amy responded with "well it looks like an internet coupon." I just kept my coupon (and redeemed it at J&J) and asked Ingle's to take the litter off my order. There was also a bag of cat food that had rung up a different price than what was marked on the shelf and when I questioned it the manager? (Amy) was very snippy and rude.
I chalked this up to "everyone has a bad day" and tried not to let this experience ruin my opinion about your store.
Last night I was shopping with my mom, baby and friend. I was disappointed because the 9-Lives cat food that had been advertised for two weeks as being on sale, wasn't there. I could see where there had been some on the shelf but they were gone. (This was also the case last week when I went specifically for that cat food...I'm not sure if maybe they just had so few bags or if maybe I just keep going after everyone else cleans them out...).
We all got several things and proceeded to check out. My friend was in a separate line than us and she got done before us. She walked over and told me to check what my Michelina's frozen dinners were ringing up because her's rung up wrong. (They were supposed to be 5/$5 and her's were ringing up $1.25 each-normal price). (There was a large sign on the freezer door). Mine had also rung up wrong. I pointed this out to the cashier and he called Amy. (My friend informed me later that when her cashier had called her over that she had been very rude and wouldn't take her word for it and went to check herself. Okay fine but when she came back she was very hateful and said "those weren't on sale the sign says "assorted varieties" and it doesn't include those. Really? They were the pizza rolls and buffalo chicken variety...So the sale was for the lasagna only? If that was true shouldn't the sign have said "select varieties"? Minor detail but she said she would adjust the price. (Which I'm pretty sure was supposed to be the "sale price" anyway). So when she (Amy), got called to my register she really wasn't happy, slamming my boxes, and muttering things). After that I handed the cashier my coupons. (Not an excessive amount and not to exceed your strict coupon policy). He looked shocked and exclaimed to Amy "she's got coupons too!!!" like maybe I was the cheapest person he had ever met (and I very well might be, lol)! Amy looked confused and told him that was okay. (Again I'm not sure why he was so shocked).
So considering the several different cases of rude customer service, having to figure out exactly how many coupons i am actually allowed to use on a certain order and the fact that a lot of your sales seem to be gone by the time I make it to the store I think Kroger and J&J are a better fit for me. I might not find the exotic choices that I have at Ingles but in my opinion customer service and helpfulness more than make up the difference!
I'm sure this is not the norm for all of your stores, I guess I am just unfortunate that this is the case for the store closest to me, (Dawsonville, Georgia). I am in no way trying to get anyone in trouble and I'm not even saying I'm boycotting your store. It's hard to keep a REAL CHEAPSKATE like me away if there's a super sale but for the most part I'll be frequenting friendlier stores! I sincerely hope that maybe these incidents were isolated and hopefully other people are enjoying the Ingle's Advantage!
Thanks for your time,
Shannon Sexton
Friday, October 17, 2008
When I Place an Order My Name Now Comes Up: PLEASE SPIT IN HER FOOD...A LOT
I hate papa john's. I really hate it. I don't like the pizza, the topping selection annoys me and the customer service sucks. "Why do I keep ordering from there?" you might ask. Basically because it's not quite as bad as dominoes and it's cheaper than pizza hut. In case you haven't noticed from my last forty posts, I. AM. CHEAP.
So because we had company coming I decided that I'd give it another try. I was tempted to order pizza hut...but, well you know...
So I looked online before we left the house to see what we wanted. I decided on "the special". Now let me also mention that I have a booster card that enables me to "buy one get one free" at papa john's. From previous experience I knew that I couldn't use the card in addition to the "special" but I also knew that they could sell me one pizza at regular price and I could get the other one free.
So we leave the house and I start my errands. About half way through I call to order the pizza. I ask about the "special" and am told that, that is an "internet special" and has to be ordered online. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?! No they were in fact not kidding but very serious I had to order online. UGH. So while on the phone I asked about the booster card. Yes I was reassured I could use the card and get charged regular price with one free and the total would be $16.99. Okay $16.99 for two pizzas, I could handle that. I mean it's cheaper than pizza hut but probably that's because pizza hut's two main ingredients aren't CARDBOARD & CRAP.
So I hang up, drive to my office, (out of my way) and order the pizza ONLINE as instructed and then waited around for at least 20 minutes. All the while Cooper is blissfully sleeping in the car but at the dangerous point of "could wake up any time and scream for hours". Also Stephie was in the van with him, no I did not leave him alone!
After what seems like forever, I get to papa john's. I go in and a worker shuffles to the front counter. Yes shuffles. No, he is not old. He gives me the total and of course it's wrong. I explain to him that I had the booster card and I was told that I could pay full price for one and get the other for free. He grimaces like his life is over and pushes some buttons and then says "I don't think I can do that because you ordered online." "REALLY!" Then I say "well I tried my DARNDEST to order on the phone and was told that I HAD to order online." "Hmmm" he says "hang on, maybe this will work. Okay I got it to go through." "Excellent" I hissed. "$21.08." I asked "so one is $16.99, the other is free and the extra sauce is $0.49 right?" He nodded. I handed him my debit card all the while thinking that sounded too high but since my math sucks and since "math in my head" sucks even more I waited until I got my receipt.
Sure enough they had charged me $18.39 for the pizza. SIGH. The shuffler had already shuffled his way to the back to do some other duty with the basic ability of a slug. I got someone else's attention, showed them the receipt and then explained what was going on. He looked confused, looked at the register, looked at the menu board and then desperately looked around for the shuffler. Finally the non-old man slowly made his way back up to the front SERIOUSLY KID, PICK UP YOUR FEET AND PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!!
He looked at the register, looked at the menu board and said "I guess the pizza is $18.39, that's what the receipt says"...(On the menu board the price for that "special" wasn't up there...of course). "You said it was $16.99. The girl on the phone said it was $16.99". "I guess that was wrong because the register says $18.39". I just wanted to scream, "WHY ARE YOU A MORON...with two FAKE gimp legs?!?!" Then he says "hang on let me do something for you." "Finally, I thought, maybe he's going to adjust the price or give me a credit on my next visit for $2.00 or SOMETHING". Instead he shuffled (I kid you not), to the other register and printed me out another receipt. WHAT?! How in the FLOCK does that help in the least?! I already have a receipt, it has the wrong total on it.
So because we had company coming I decided that I'd give it another try. I was tempted to order pizza hut...but, well you know...
So I looked online before we left the house to see what we wanted. I decided on "the special". Now let me also mention that I have a booster card that enables me to "buy one get one free" at papa john's. From previous experience I knew that I couldn't use the card in addition to the "special" but I also knew that they could sell me one pizza at regular price and I could get the other one free.
So we leave the house and I start my errands. About half way through I call to order the pizza. I ask about the "special" and am told that, that is an "internet special" and has to be ordered online. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?! No they were in fact not kidding but very serious I had to order online. UGH. So while on the phone I asked about the booster card. Yes I was reassured I could use the card and get charged regular price with one free and the total would be $16.99. Okay $16.99 for two pizzas, I could handle that. I mean it's cheaper than pizza hut but probably that's because pizza hut's two main ingredients aren't CARDBOARD & CRAP.
So I hang up, drive to my office, (out of my way) and order the pizza ONLINE as instructed and then waited around for at least 20 minutes. All the while Cooper is blissfully sleeping in the car but at the dangerous point of "could wake up any time and scream for hours". Also Stephie was in the van with him, no I did not leave him alone!
After what seems like forever, I get to papa john's. I go in and a worker shuffles to the front counter. Yes shuffles. No, he is not old. He gives me the total and of course it's wrong. I explain to him that I had the booster card and I was told that I could pay full price for one and get the other for free. He grimaces like his life is over and pushes some buttons and then says "I don't think I can do that because you ordered online." "REALLY!" Then I say "well I tried my DARNDEST to order on the phone and was told that I HAD to order online." "Hmmm" he says "hang on, maybe this will work. Okay I got it to go through." "Excellent" I hissed. "$21.08." I asked "so one is $16.99, the other is free and the extra sauce is $0.49 right?" He nodded. I handed him my debit card all the while thinking that sounded too high but since my math sucks and since "math in my head" sucks even more I waited until I got my receipt.
Sure enough they had charged me $18.39 for the pizza. SIGH. The shuffler had already shuffled his way to the back to do some other duty with the basic ability of a slug. I got someone else's attention, showed them the receipt and then explained what was going on. He looked confused, looked at the register, looked at the menu board and then desperately looked around for the shuffler. Finally the non-old man slowly made his way back up to the front SERIOUSLY KID, PICK UP YOUR FEET AND PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!!
He looked at the register, looked at the menu board and said "I guess the pizza is $18.39, that's what the receipt says"...(On the menu board the price for that "special" wasn't up there...of course). "You said it was $16.99. The girl on the phone said it was $16.99". "I guess that was wrong because the register says $18.39". I just wanted to scream, "WHY ARE YOU A MORON...with two FAKE gimp legs?!?!" Then he says "hang on let me do something for you." "Finally, I thought, maybe he's going to adjust the price or give me a credit on my next visit for $2.00 or SOMETHING". Instead he shuffled (I kid you not), to the other register and printed me out another receipt. WHAT?! How in the FLOCK does that help in the least?! I already have a receipt, it has the wrong total on it.
So I gave up, defeated. I took my overcharged, cold cardboard and crap and went home with it. I was tired. I was hungry. I let them win.
I will give papa john's props for one thing. I do like how they push condiments. I love condiments and have been dipping my pizza in marinara or ranch since before it was cool. And if you're a condiment lover like me or a fat kid, as much as you hate to admit it you have to admire a place that will ENCOURAGE you and persuade you to dip pizza (probably the greasiest, fattiest food known to man) into a small container of pure butter.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Apparently we're all going to die...
I just found out that my poppop, (who's 69 and just spent 3 weeks in the hospital and has a permanent indwelling catheter and cane OH and did i mention alzheimers...) yeah that one, he's on his way to go buy a MOTORCYCLE...my response was...SERIOUSLY?! REALLY?! I had to take off from work to help you get from your chair to the car so that you could go to the hospital and YOU THINK YOU CAN SAFELY RIDE A MOTORCYCLE?!
Some of my favorite responses to this newest fiasco have been:
mom (while talking to me): "Just be careful on the road today...be very very careful..."
uncle mark: "What the #$%* does he think he's going to do with a motorcycle?!"
AND THE BEST ONE YET:
angela: "PROBABLY THERE'S A REASON THAT MOTORCYCLES DON'T COME WITH A PLACE TO HOLD YOUR CANE..."
Everyone say an extra prayer today...
~shannon
Some of my favorite responses to this newest fiasco have been:
mom (while talking to me): "Just be careful on the road today...be very very careful..."
uncle mark: "What the #$%* does he think he's going to do with a motorcycle?!"
AND THE BEST ONE YET:
angela: "PROBABLY THERE'S A REASON THAT MOTORCYCLES DON'T COME WITH A PLACE TO HOLD YOUR CANE..."
Everyone say an extra prayer today...
~shannon
Sunday, October 5, 2008
since Angela says I'm a control freak...
I guess I can go ahead and share some of the other bizarre things that bother me...while texting or on the computer why must people do this:
-KEWL
-SK8ER
-L8ER
-NO (for know)
-DUNNO (don't know)
-DUM (yes you are)
-GIRLZ
-BOYZ
okay that's all for now...but L8ER iLl holla @ u boyz n girlz 2tell u whatz up and other things that annoy me and basically what yer DOIN wrong N gen'ral...k?
-KEWL
-SK8ER
-L8ER
-NO (for know)
-DUNNO (don't know)
-DUM (yes you are)
-GIRLZ
-BOYZ
okay that's all for now...but L8ER iLl holla @ u boyz n girlz 2tell u whatz up and other things that annoy me and basically what yer DOIN wrong N gen'ral...k?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Maybe I'm just a CONTROL FREAK...
But seriously HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU IT'S CHEAPER?
If I hear Craig order a mighty kid's cheeseburger meal one more time I am seriously going to loose it. Over and over again I have pointed out that it's cheaper to order a double cheeseburger, small fry and small drink and still have more food than the freakin fake "happy meal".
First of all happy meals haven't been "happy" since they took away the cardboard box and replaced it with a suck filled, environmentally friendly, paper bag. Secondly with the frick is up with "mighty kids". It's like, "KIDS, KIDS, HAPPY MEALS AREN'T BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU, BE A MIGHTY KID!" (A mighty fat kid). Not that I was a healthy kid, heck when I was four I was ordering BIG-MACS and there's nothing wrong with that but it pisses me off when my 35 year old husband pays over $4.00 for a $3.00 meal just to have it come in a bag that says "I'm a Mighty Kid"...
If I hear Craig order a mighty kid's cheeseburger meal one more time I am seriously going to loose it. Over and over again I have pointed out that it's cheaper to order a double cheeseburger, small fry and small drink and still have more food than the freakin fake "happy meal".
First of all happy meals haven't been "happy" since they took away the cardboard box and replaced it with a suck filled, environmentally friendly, paper bag. Secondly with the frick is up with "mighty kids". It's like, "KIDS, KIDS, HAPPY MEALS AREN'T BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU, BE A MIGHTY KID!" (A mighty fat kid). Not that I was a healthy kid, heck when I was four I was ordering BIG-MACS and there's nothing wrong with that but it pisses me off when my 35 year old husband pays over $4.00 for a $3.00 meal just to have it come in a bag that says "I'm a Mighty Kid"...
Monday, September 22, 2008
SOYBEANS AND DRANO SHOULD NEVER BE COMBINED
A quick rant for the road. I know I'm behind on blogs and believe me it's not for lack of having something to say. I have several in mind (for example 'A Death in the South' and 'A Little White Trash in the Air'-and yes, trudy, ricky, gretchen and josh this one is about you), and I promise to try and get caught up tonight BUT I thought I'd give you a sampling of how I'm feeling right now.
I used my afternoon break to go to walmart and pick up some baby formula. Something I'm already absolutely freaking out about because of china and melatomine (or whatever) and the fact that the more I research it the more crazy my brain gets and now apparently the soy formula I've been giving Cooper is trying to kill him according to the web...
So anyway I go in and after what seems like agonizing hours on the baby aisle I finally pick enfamil a.r. lipil, formulated especially for babies who spit up frequently but not made with (now considered) EVIL soy beans...this may or may not work. I'm truthfully leaning more toward the 'may not' because it's milk based and so far we've yet to come up with a milk based formula that Cooper will tolerate and DARN the soy beans for ruining my already crazed life. Gah it makes me want to go run soy beans over with my car and then set them ablaze...
BUT back to the current rant, so I pick out a can of what is no longer considered baby formula but that I now lovingly refer to as "a can of teetering on the edge of good nutrition to thrive upon and potentially dangerous ingredients that WILL kill you". I go to check out and the clerk puts the above mentioned can in the same bag with my Drano...SERIOUSLY?! FOR REAL CASHIER?! PROBABLY, DO I WANT MY ALREADY QUESTIONABLE BABY MILK IN THE SAME BAG AS MY FORTIFIABLE CHEMICAL THAT IS GUARANTEED TO EAT THROUGH DRAIN SLUDGE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR?!?!?!?!
PROBABLY NOT.
I used my afternoon break to go to walmart and pick up some baby formula. Something I'm already absolutely freaking out about because of china and melatomine (or whatever) and the fact that the more I research it the more crazy my brain gets and now apparently the soy formula I've been giving Cooper is trying to kill him according to the web...
So anyway I go in and after what seems like agonizing hours on the baby aisle I finally pick enfamil a.r. lipil, formulated especially for babies who spit up frequently but not made with (now considered) EVIL soy beans...this may or may not work. I'm truthfully leaning more toward the 'may not' because it's milk based and so far we've yet to come up with a milk based formula that Cooper will tolerate and DARN the soy beans for ruining my already crazed life. Gah it makes me want to go run soy beans over with my car and then set them ablaze...
BUT back to the current rant, so I pick out a can of what is no longer considered baby formula but that I now lovingly refer to as "a can of teetering on the edge of good nutrition to thrive upon and potentially dangerous ingredients that WILL kill you". I go to check out and the clerk puts the above mentioned can in the same bag with my Drano...SERIOUSLY?! FOR REAL CASHIER?! PROBABLY, DO I WANT MY ALREADY QUESTIONABLE BABY MILK IN THE SAME BAG AS MY FORTIFIABLE CHEMICAL THAT IS GUARANTEED TO EAT THROUGH DRAIN SLUDGE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR?!?!?!?!
PROBABLY NOT.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Mass Chaos, Sheer Pandemonium & Utter Disarray
Mass Chaos, Sheer Pandemonium and Utter Disarray...that is the state of my house right now. At least that's what it feels like in my head when I'm thinking about it...then I open my eyes...NO, no i was right the first time, it wasn't in my mind it was reality...
My cats have gone crazy...LOCO...it's kind of like they suddenly developed ADHD...and I decided to medicate them with CAT NIP (aka: cat crack), then I told them they got extra points for climbing every piece of furniture in my house and racing full speed, trying to trip their humans...and probably they thought it was a good idea to meow incessantly at nothing...and jump on each other's backs and try to bite one another's heads and constantly jump on the counter and knock things off just for the heck of it...and if it happens to be a glass full of liquid WELL THAT'S A BONUS...and I don't know which furry @$$ decided they should gnaw through a box of little debbie cupcakes and take ONE BITE of each frickin one then drag the rest to various corners of my house so that I would miss one and step on it...and well the bathroom counter-that's up for grabs of course I would want them to knock all the bottles, mirror, various crap in the sink...AND OH I FORGOT the huge basket of tampons that they decided they must pick out one by one, then toss to each other their mouths, then scoot to each other with their paws and finally finish off by using their talon-like claws to rip them to shreds...
I just want to say, SERIOUSLY what is wrong with you?!
Tonight alone I have had to exile Studley Dudley to the bathroom (which I use for timeout) and all the while he's meowing LOUDLY, scratching at the door and totally freaking out. This makes Jay-Jay and Mercy stand on the other side of the door looking all concerned and scratching trying to get IN the bathroom because they hear their comrade in trouble...so...I open the door and throw them all in time out and I sit on the other side of the door listening to the drama unfolding inside...Jay-Jay running around the edge of the jacuzzi tub until she inevitably jumps in with a huge crash taking the towels on the corner with her...Mercy landing on the counter and proceeding to push every single thing into the sink...or the floor...or OH BONUS she got my deodorant IN the litter box...and then there's Dudley and he's just running around in circles ecstatic because he pitched such a fit and threw such a tantrum that he got his two sister cats landed in time out with him!
Just like the youngest to ruin it for everyone...
My cats have gone crazy...LOCO...it's kind of like they suddenly developed ADHD...and I decided to medicate them with CAT NIP (aka: cat crack), then I told them they got extra points for climbing every piece of furniture in my house and racing full speed, trying to trip their humans...and probably they thought it was a good idea to meow incessantly at nothing...and jump on each other's backs and try to bite one another's heads and constantly jump on the counter and knock things off just for the heck of it...and if it happens to be a glass full of liquid WELL THAT'S A BONUS...and I don't know which furry @$$ decided they should gnaw through a box of little debbie cupcakes and take ONE BITE of each frickin one then drag the rest to various corners of my house so that I would miss one and step on it...and well the bathroom counter-that's up for grabs of course I would want them to knock all the bottles, mirror, various crap in the sink...AND OH I FORGOT the huge basket of tampons that they decided they must pick out one by one, then toss to each other their mouths, then scoot to each other with their paws and finally finish off by using their talon-like claws to rip them to shreds...
I just want to say, SERIOUSLY what is wrong with you?!
Tonight alone I have had to exile Studley Dudley to the bathroom (which I use for timeout) and all the while he's meowing LOUDLY, scratching at the door and totally freaking out. This makes Jay-Jay and Mercy stand on the other side of the door looking all concerned and scratching trying to get IN the bathroom because they hear their comrade in trouble...so...I open the door and throw them all in time out and I sit on the other side of the door listening to the drama unfolding inside...Jay-Jay running around the edge of the jacuzzi tub until she inevitably jumps in with a huge crash taking the towels on the corner with her...Mercy landing on the counter and proceeding to push every single thing into the sink...or the floor...or OH BONUS she got my deodorant IN the litter box...and then there's Dudley and he's just running around in circles ecstatic because he pitched such a fit and threw such a tantrum that he got his two sister cats landed in time out with him!
Just like the youngest to ruin it for everyone...
Sunday, September 14, 2008
18 degres away from 100...
That is the temperature in my house right now, as we speak. 82 degrees. Middle of September, 82 degrees...how RIDICULOUS is that?! Apparently our air conditioner decided to go on strike...I mean COME ON! It had three weeks, four weeks tops to keep on persevering and then we could all call it quits for one more horrendous summer in georgia. But no, it couldn't give me that could it?
Now 82 degrees may not that sound that hot...if you're my Aunt Marie, who purposely keeps her thermostat hovering at triple digits. However we keep our house at a nice cool, delightful 69 degrees. 70 if we're feeling conservative...so 82 feels like, well basically we now know what it feels like to be a cinnamon roll in the oven. Not only are we burning alive we're also getting very sticky...
Now 82 degrees may not that sound that hot...if you're my Aunt Marie, who purposely keeps her thermostat hovering at triple digits. However we keep our house at a nice cool, delightful 69 degrees. 70 if we're feeling conservative...so 82 feels like, well basically we now know what it feels like to be a cinnamon roll in the oven. Not only are we burning alive we're also getting very sticky...
Since we've already had to have the air conditioner fixed once this summer I was reluctant to spend any more money on it. Also because I am cheap and a pro-champion procrastinator I suggested to Craig that maybe we should just try to make do with fans for the rest of the summer and worry about this problem next spring.
He looked at me in disbelief and was like, "no, we need to get it fixed and get it fixed now. You're horrible to live with when you're hot." "I'm not that bad..." I just...I don't know, I think my body already maybe runs a little hotter than the average person's. Maybe it's all my extra padding, maybe that serves as insulation. (See post on why I'm the fat kid).
So I'm like "maybe I get a little grumpy when it's hot." And Craig was like "grumpy does not begin to cover it. I'm looking for words like unbearable, inconsolable, irate...Seriously we need to get it fixed this week...I'm calling the guy tomorrow. Because if not I'm afraid you'll die. I'm afraid you'll literally die and that you'll purposely take me with you."
I don't know that the heat would actually drive me to kill but if you find us in a pile of ashes know this; we spontaneously combusted and accidentally cremated ourselves. And also it is my last wish that you, as my friend or family, must divide the ashes evenly and each wear a portion of ME in a vile around your neck. Everyday. Forever. And remember I like to stay cool...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Devil Labelers, Bitter Spinsters, and Greeters who want to end it all...
Yesterday I had to take back the last batch of baby stuff that we had gotten at the shower and couldn't use. I had put it off as long as i could and now it was time for the inevitable. I hate taking stuff back to walmart. It's a pain and a hassle and I've never had a good experience with it. Even when I do manage to accomplish taking back items without incident the people that you have to deal with are never nice. Greeters, who never seem to greet and customer service who is frankly not that 'customer' or 'service' oriented.
It used to be a simple process. You took the items in, the greeter begrudgingly gave you a yellow smiley sticker to prove that you hadn't just picked the item off the shelf...the utmost in anti-theft protection... Then you took your sticker and item to customer service and they scanned it and gave you back sweet cash in the form of a walmart gift card.
Now however they have a new system. The greeter has to take each item, scan it with a machine and print out a label/sticker thingy. This presents problems on so many levels. First of all the greeter (who wasn't too happy when all he had to do was hand you the sticker), inevitably is not sure how the machine that spits out the label/sticker thingy works. He tries scanning things different ways, he tried pushing different buttons, he tries shaking the friggin' thing...finally it laughs in computer language and gives him a sticker...except UH OH the label says "$0.00". FREAK. Now he must start all over...
I don't blame the greeters per say. In my opinion walmart as a whole is screwing the process up. I mean seriously if I was in management and looking for someone to run complicated label/sticker machinery would I pick my employees who were 85? Probably not. My grandparent's generation (God bless their old hearts) did not grow up with computers. In fact I'd bet its safe to say that most of that age group despises computers and wants nothing to do with them. So really, seriously walmart, why did you pick the "age advanced" group of employees to run the brand new labeler that is inevitably out to get them.
And while we're at it wouldn't greeters be the first line of defense for a shoplifter? I mean you're running out the door with your stolen 'My Name is Earl' dvd and really what is the greeter to do? Run after you? Knock you down? Trip you with their cane perhaps? I don't know, maybe walmart has given this more thought than I'm giving them credit for. Maybe one of the handicapped electric wheelchairs is actually equipped with James Bond type accessories that the greeter can turn on and then he would have a fighting chance...I mean basically you don't want to get over by one of those electric carts...it hurts.
Now in the greeter's defense I had a crap-load of stuff to return. Because it is such a very big hassle I had put it off and just kept putting things Cooper couldn't use or had grown too big for in one rubbermaid container. So there was like a thousand little things... The greeter looked in the tub, looked and me and *sighed*. I felt kind of bad for the old guy...
We started the long process of going through each item. I would pick it up (so he didn't have to bend over), he would scan/push/shake until it gave him a sticky label and then we'd start all over with something else. Meanwhile Cooper was starting to freak out. He was looking around warily like why am I in a cart and not moving? Who is this old guy and why does he have a crazy look in his eyes like he wants to run his electric cart right through the customer service desk and end it all? And why do strange people keep stopping to stare at me and ask how old that "little girl" is? (I swear Cooper, I'll never dress you in the green onesie with stars again. I thought it was metro but I guess not).
Maybe it was because Cooper was fussy. Maybe it was because of the sheer volume of playtex nipples that i was returning or maybe it was just that he gave up and decided no job was worth this, but whatever the reason he finally said the devil labeler had "quit" and he would just explain to customer service why half of my items weren't marked.
We made our way to customer service. Ugh, "customer disservice". Methodically she started scanning the items with her gun zapper all the while muttering about how she hates baby showers and the fact that half of the crap always gets returned and makes her job harder, blah blah, service with a smile, blah. And I wanted to say "look I'm sorry I'm inconveniencing you by asking you to do your job but I'm not going to keep a thousand vent air nipples when I'm clearing using playtex drop ins"...not that she would know what any of this meant because I'm pretty sure by her attitude she must have been a bitter spinster...
One of the items wouldn't scan. "Oh sorry, I said apologetically, that may have come from another store, these were gifts so I wasn't sure." She answered with "probably the dollar store". "Okaaay" I thought, that was weird. Then something else wouldn't scan. She handed it back, "this came from the dollar store too". What? Seriously? Finally after about 400 things that scanned correctly we were on the last item. It wouldn't scan. She looked at me and said, "this definitely looks like it came from the dollar store". Okay I have nothing against the dollar store, I love it, I do! But ALL of my baby shower gifts did not come from the dollar store and I thought that was a really, really crappy way of trying to insult someone. I mean seriously walmart girl, are you insulting me from getting a present from the dollar store? You scan things for a living. Are we really that different?! I think not.
After she handed me my giftcard she proceeded to say what sounded like "I have 2 returns left on my social security number". I had heard about this happening. It happened to my aunt. Apparently after you return so many things to walmart then they ban you and you aren't allowed to return anything else...Oh darn, I guess I'm on my way to being black listed from walmart's customer service...
For this I say, I'll just take my business to the dollar store.
It used to be a simple process. You took the items in, the greeter begrudgingly gave you a yellow smiley sticker to prove that you hadn't just picked the item off the shelf...the utmost in anti-theft protection... Then you took your sticker and item to customer service and they scanned it and gave you back sweet cash in the form of a walmart gift card.
Now however they have a new system. The greeter has to take each item, scan it with a machine and print out a label/sticker thingy. This presents problems on so many levels. First of all the greeter (who wasn't too happy when all he had to do was hand you the sticker), inevitably is not sure how the machine that spits out the label/sticker thingy works. He tries scanning things different ways, he tried pushing different buttons, he tries shaking the friggin' thing...finally it laughs in computer language and gives him a sticker...except UH OH the label says "$0.00". FREAK. Now he must start all over...
I don't blame the greeters per say. In my opinion walmart as a whole is screwing the process up. I mean seriously if I was in management and looking for someone to run complicated label/sticker machinery would I pick my employees who were 85? Probably not. My grandparent's generation (God bless their old hearts) did not grow up with computers. In fact I'd bet its safe to say that most of that age group despises computers and wants nothing to do with them. So really, seriously walmart, why did you pick the "age advanced" group of employees to run the brand new labeler that is inevitably out to get them.
And while we're at it wouldn't greeters be the first line of defense for a shoplifter? I mean you're running out the door with your stolen 'My Name is Earl' dvd and really what is the greeter to do? Run after you? Knock you down? Trip you with their cane perhaps? I don't know, maybe walmart has given this more thought than I'm giving them credit for. Maybe one of the handicapped electric wheelchairs is actually equipped with James Bond type accessories that the greeter can turn on and then he would have a fighting chance...I mean basically you don't want to get over by one of those electric carts...it hurts.
Now in the greeter's defense I had a crap-load of stuff to return. Because it is such a very big hassle I had put it off and just kept putting things Cooper couldn't use or had grown too big for in one rubbermaid container. So there was like a thousand little things... The greeter looked in the tub, looked and me and *sighed*. I felt kind of bad for the old guy...
We started the long process of going through each item. I would pick it up (so he didn't have to bend over), he would scan/push/shake until it gave him a sticky label and then we'd start all over with something else. Meanwhile Cooper was starting to freak out. He was looking around warily like why am I in a cart and not moving? Who is this old guy and why does he have a crazy look in his eyes like he wants to run his electric cart right through the customer service desk and end it all? And why do strange people keep stopping to stare at me and ask how old that "little girl" is? (I swear Cooper, I'll never dress you in the green onesie with stars again. I thought it was metro but I guess not).
Maybe it was because Cooper was fussy. Maybe it was because of the sheer volume of playtex nipples that i was returning or maybe it was just that he gave up and decided no job was worth this, but whatever the reason he finally said the devil labeler had "quit" and he would just explain to customer service why half of my items weren't marked.
We made our way to customer service. Ugh, "customer disservice". Methodically she started scanning the items with her gun zapper all the while muttering about how she hates baby showers and the fact that half of the crap always gets returned and makes her job harder, blah blah, service with a smile, blah. And I wanted to say "look I'm sorry I'm inconveniencing you by asking you to do your job but I'm not going to keep a thousand vent air nipples when I'm clearing using playtex drop ins"...not that she would know what any of this meant because I'm pretty sure by her attitude she must have been a bitter spinster...
One of the items wouldn't scan. "Oh sorry, I said apologetically, that may have come from another store, these were gifts so I wasn't sure." She answered with "probably the dollar store". "Okaaay" I thought, that was weird. Then something else wouldn't scan. She handed it back, "this came from the dollar store too". What? Seriously? Finally after about 400 things that scanned correctly we were on the last item. It wouldn't scan. She looked at me and said, "this definitely looks like it came from the dollar store". Okay I have nothing against the dollar store, I love it, I do! But ALL of my baby shower gifts did not come from the dollar store and I thought that was a really, really crappy way of trying to insult someone. I mean seriously walmart girl, are you insulting me from getting a present from the dollar store? You scan things for a living. Are we really that different?! I think not.
After she handed me my giftcard she proceeded to say what sounded like "I have 2 returns left on my social security number". I had heard about this happening. It happened to my aunt. Apparently after you return so many things to walmart then they ban you and you aren't allowed to return anything else...Oh darn, I guess I'm on my way to being black listed from walmart's customer service...
For this I say, I'll just take my business to the dollar store.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
DEEP SH!T
Do you ever find yourself knee deep in sh!t? Literally?
I have neglected to buy trash bags for the last three days that we have been out. I don't know why, I'm just stupid like that. Anyway the litter boxes could not wait any longer. It was time. They needed to be dumped. So I thought I could improvise with a target bag. It seemed bigger and sturdier than a walmart bag...and this theory may have just panned out if the bag hadn't of been full of holes that I did not notice...
So I set the litter box up on the toilet, wrap the bag around it and start to pour...I feel something hitting my feet but because I'm slow I guess and I don't realize what it is until I pour the whole freakin box out...yeah it was dirty cat litter that was slowly encasing my legs...
I looked down. It was like when you see little kids at the beach and they cover their feet and legs up with sand and say they're the little mermaid...except instead of the beach it was my bathroom...and instead of sand it was a pile of crap...
I shouted a few obscenities. I happened to be on the phone with Angela at the time and she was making fun of me. Craig was in the living room and he was making fun of me too. Somehow in the confusion Craig (ever helpful), asked if I needed his help. Apparently I said, "yes" but was actually talking to Angela and whatever snide remark she had just made. So he tentatively makes his way into the bathroom only to stand in the corner and angrily mutter under his breath about "cat crap everywhere" and "no trash bags for a week" and "blah blah blah blah freakin blah blah blah" and I'm like "seriously? Why are you here? Why are you in the bathroom looking at me?" And he's like "when I asked you if you needed help you said yes". And I'm like "okay well I was talking to Angela and no I don't need any help" and he was like "are you sure, because I could help". And I'm thinking, "really?! Because right now you're being about as helpful as a zebra...with no paws..."
So then i had to try and sweep all the litter/cat crap up and try and stuff it all into one of Cooper's diaper pail bags which are all of 6"x 6", I mean seriously they're tiny, they belong in a miniature doll house...
And all the while all three cats are encircling my legs like "oh boy, wow, i guess now the whole bathroom is just one gigantic litter box, how cool is that!" And I'm going "really?! Are all three of you having a bathroom emergency right now? Right this second? Are you all so desperate for the box that you have to patrol around my feet waiting, just waiting for the gloriousness of litter scattered abroad, more than your tiny cat hearts could ever even imagine?!"
So i finally cleaned all the litter up. I finally managed to encase it in several tiny bags and get them closed without incident. At last my bathroom didn't look like a giant sandbox and smell like a county dump. Then I go to fill up the clean litter box with clean litter and would you believe we were out?! There was enough to put about an 1/8" in the bottom of the box. I set it down and all the cats looked at me as if to say "we kind of liked it better when we were knee deep in sh!t..."
I have neglected to buy trash bags for the last three days that we have been out. I don't know why, I'm just stupid like that. Anyway the litter boxes could not wait any longer. It was time. They needed to be dumped. So I thought I could improvise with a target bag. It seemed bigger and sturdier than a walmart bag...and this theory may have just panned out if the bag hadn't of been full of holes that I did not notice...
So I set the litter box up on the toilet, wrap the bag around it and start to pour...I feel something hitting my feet but because I'm slow I guess and I don't realize what it is until I pour the whole freakin box out...yeah it was dirty cat litter that was slowly encasing my legs...
I looked down. It was like when you see little kids at the beach and they cover their feet and legs up with sand and say they're the little mermaid...except instead of the beach it was my bathroom...and instead of sand it was a pile of crap...
I shouted a few obscenities. I happened to be on the phone with Angela at the time and she was making fun of me. Craig was in the living room and he was making fun of me too. Somehow in the confusion Craig (ever helpful), asked if I needed his help. Apparently I said, "yes" but was actually talking to Angela and whatever snide remark she had just made. So he tentatively makes his way into the bathroom only to stand in the corner and angrily mutter under his breath about "cat crap everywhere" and "no trash bags for a week" and "blah blah blah blah freakin blah blah blah" and I'm like "seriously? Why are you here? Why are you in the bathroom looking at me?" And he's like "when I asked you if you needed help you said yes". And I'm like "okay well I was talking to Angela and no I don't need any help" and he was like "are you sure, because I could help". And I'm thinking, "really?! Because right now you're being about as helpful as a zebra...with no paws..."
So then i had to try and sweep all the litter/cat crap up and try and stuff it all into one of Cooper's diaper pail bags which are all of 6"x 6", I mean seriously they're tiny, they belong in a miniature doll house...
And all the while all three cats are encircling my legs like "oh boy, wow, i guess now the whole bathroom is just one gigantic litter box, how cool is that!" And I'm going "really?! Are all three of you having a bathroom emergency right now? Right this second? Are you all so desperate for the box that you have to patrol around my feet waiting, just waiting for the gloriousness of litter scattered abroad, more than your tiny cat hearts could ever even imagine?!"
So i finally cleaned all the litter up. I finally managed to encase it in several tiny bags and get them closed without incident. At last my bathroom didn't look like a giant sandbox and smell like a county dump. Then I go to fill up the clean litter box with clean litter and would you believe we were out?! There was enough to put about an 1/8" in the bottom of the box. I set it down and all the cats looked at me as if to say "we kind of liked it better when we were knee deep in sh!t..."
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Pregnancy Tests, Tampons and Tree Hugging Hippies
Living in a small town has it’s disadvantages. One being total lack of privacy. It’s basically impossible to keep a secret here...especially a juicy one...
Even though technically there are about four places to buy a pregnancy test in our town Walmart seems to be the lesser of evils. When you’re buying a pg test you want a certain amount of privacy. A sense of discretion. This is hard to come by in mayberry.
Walmart has a place that can only be referred to as The Wall of Shame. It contains things...private things. It starts out with mildly embarrassing things: pills for heartburn, upset stomach, tums, mylanta, things of that nature. You keep walking and you get into your diarrhea/constipation meds, you can pick up a fleet enema or if the need arises some immodium.
The closer you get to the pharmacy the more intimate the items become. Now we've reached our personal lubricants and k-y jelly inspired massage oils. After the oils you see condoms (male and the slightly brazzen/still not accepted in the south female condom).
Then there they are. Proudly displayed right at eye level: those miracle sticks that with just a few drops of pee can change your life forever.
The best thing to do is wait until at least 10:00 p.m., after the pharmacy is closed and the crowd has died down. Next hit the clothing aisle first (a must for any pg test buying adventure). Select something sufficient enough to bury and cover the test you will be buying. You see in our town if you run into someone you know at Walmart (and you will), they'll want to stop and chat. And while they ask "how yer mama-n-diddy is doin" they'll prop on your buggy and peer inside to see if there's anything interesting...a pregnancy test is definitely interesting! A pregnancy test seen by the wrong person could snowball into a disaster of epic proportion by the time you reach the parking lot.
From my last pregnancy test buying adventure, the one we got the goods on ;) I did the regular pg test protocol, I made a pass down the main aisle with my buggy and casually glanced down the Wall of Shame. Yes! It was empty! I made another pass and dashed to the section that I needed. While quickly trying to pick out which brand I felt would give me accurate results yet not cost my weight in gold, out of the corner of my eye I could see several people make the main aisle pass and look inconspicuously toward The Wall and then curse to themselves and keep walking and I just thought to myself, "MUWAHAHA KEEP WALKIN' SUCKAS, THE WALL IS OCCUPIED!!!"
Then you self-check out, (another great invention that I think must have been created for the sole purpose of buying condoms, pregnancy tests and tampons.
Speaking of buying tampons this one time when Eckerd was still Eckerd I went in to buy a pack of pads (the only item I purchased) and the cashier (a guy) asked me if I wanted a bag. I thought to myself "gosh no I wouldn't want to burden you for a bag, please Please let me just sashay out with my huge pack of ‘overnights with wings’ under my arms." I don't care if you are the biggest tree-hugging, mother-earth loving hippie there is and the only bag you have is a giant plastic one, jumbo Christmas tree size that will inevitably rot on planet earth for 45 years KNOW THIS, if I'm buying condoms, pregnancy tests or feminine products I want a flippin’ bag.
Even though technically there are about four places to buy a pregnancy test in our town Walmart seems to be the lesser of evils. When you’re buying a pg test you want a certain amount of privacy. A sense of discretion. This is hard to come by in mayberry.
Walmart has a place that can only be referred to as The Wall of Shame. It contains things...private things. It starts out with mildly embarrassing things: pills for heartburn, upset stomach, tums, mylanta, things of that nature. You keep walking and you get into your diarrhea/constipation meds, you can pick up a fleet enema or if the need arises some immodium.
The closer you get to the pharmacy the more intimate the items become. Now we've reached our personal lubricants and k-y jelly inspired massage oils. After the oils you see condoms (male and the slightly brazzen/still not accepted in the south female condom).
Then there they are. Proudly displayed right at eye level: those miracle sticks that with just a few drops of pee can change your life forever.
The best thing to do is wait until at least 10:00 p.m., after the pharmacy is closed and the crowd has died down. Next hit the clothing aisle first (a must for any pg test buying adventure). Select something sufficient enough to bury and cover the test you will be buying. You see in our town if you run into someone you know at Walmart (and you will), they'll want to stop and chat. And while they ask "how yer mama-n-diddy is doin" they'll prop on your buggy and peer inside to see if there's anything interesting...a pregnancy test is definitely interesting! A pregnancy test seen by the wrong person could snowball into a disaster of epic proportion by the time you reach the parking lot.
From my last pregnancy test buying adventure, the one we got the goods on ;) I did the regular pg test protocol, I made a pass down the main aisle with my buggy and casually glanced down the Wall of Shame. Yes! It was empty! I made another pass and dashed to the section that I needed. While quickly trying to pick out which brand I felt would give me accurate results yet not cost my weight in gold, out of the corner of my eye I could see several people make the main aisle pass and look inconspicuously toward The Wall and then curse to themselves and keep walking and I just thought to myself, "MUWAHAHA KEEP WALKIN' SUCKAS, THE WALL IS OCCUPIED!!!"
Then you self-check out, (another great invention that I think must have been created for the sole purpose of buying condoms, pregnancy tests and tampons.
Speaking of buying tampons this one time when Eckerd was still Eckerd I went in to buy a pack of pads (the only item I purchased) and the cashier (a guy) asked me if I wanted a bag. I thought to myself "gosh no I wouldn't want to burden you for a bag, please Please let me just sashay out with my huge pack of ‘overnights with wings’ under my arms." I don't care if you are the biggest tree-hugging, mother-earth loving hippie there is and the only bag you have is a giant plastic one, jumbo Christmas tree size that will inevitably rot on planet earth for 45 years KNOW THIS, if I'm buying condoms, pregnancy tests or feminine products I want a flippin’ bag.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
