Wednesday, September 23, 2009


when you put you frozen dinner in the microwave and you think you hit start but then the phone rings and someone distracts you for 15 minutes asking why their daughter got arrested and then you go back to the microwave expecting warm noodley goodness and instead you have FROZEN SLUDGE. that is disappointment and that is all...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Assassination at the coke machine...

One of my duties for the next two days is running the control board that opens the electronic doors to let people in and out of the detention center and jail. Coming from the lobby to the detention center you have to pass through one door, then a sallyport that has a lockbox for weapons, then another door.

All officers are to leave their guns in the lockbox because no guns are allowed in the jail for obvious reasons.

So here's the interesting part: EVERY SINGLE TIME an officer leaves the detention center he feels the need to strap on his gun. I see it happen. Sometimes he's back in like 45 seconds (asking for me to open the freakin door again) so I can only assume he's going to the coke machine.

I know that being a law enforcement officer is exciting. It's a job that should come with respect and absolute responsibility. I realize that carrying a firearm is part of that responsibility but HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU PLAN TO SHOOT AT THE COKE MACHINE?! Seriously? REally? Do you expect there to be a revolt in the lobby? A gunfight so fierce that started over the last diet coke? Really?!

Friday, September 18, 2009


So Monday night we stayed with my mother in law which is never the most comfortable thing because while there I sleep on a love seat. Now I know what you're thinking "um isn't a love seat those little tiny couches that are like 2 feet long?" And yes, you would be correct on that but it's not really horrible because generally I curl up in a ball to sleep anyway. So normally I sleep on the love seat and Cooper sleeps in a portable crib beside me. Craig sleeps on the big couch because he's a whiner and always goes to bed first.

Well on Monday the portable crib wasn't there because someone needed it for her second SURPRISE illegitimate grandchild. (That's another story for another time).

So Joann's like "why don't you sleep on the couch with Cooper?" Ummmm yeah I don't know because maybe my butt is as friggin wide as the f-ing love seat to begin with so I fear there would be NO ROOM LEFT FOR COOPER. And by the way thanks for the heads up that the crib was no longer at your house BEFORE I left my house (which has both a bed AND a crib).

So me and Coop ended up on the floor because OH YEAH Craig had been asleep on the big couch, for I don't know, HOURS. Joann was kind enough to make us a "pallet" so I mean, what else could I ask for? So we lay down and it's all I don't know, 1000 degrees in her house so I turn two (2!) fans on in the hope that we don't spontaneously combust during the night. It was so hot at one point all I could think about was taking my pants off. And nothing says parenting at it's best than laying pantless on a pallet with your baby.

Maybe it was because we weren't at home, maybe it was because we weren't surrounded by cats and MAYBE it was because we were laying on a f-ing hard wood floor but whatever the case Cooper would not go to sleep. He was completely restless. He would thrash and kick and roll and this was completely unfortunate because every time he rolled he rolled into the wooden coffee table and every time he thrashed he managed to hit his head on the hard wood floor and every time he kicked he managed to freakin kick me.

I've always heard of people complaining about their kid moving around so much while sleeping and how they can't stand that and I've always been like I love it when Cooper moves, just one more indication that he's breathing and okay, well now I get it, NOW I FRIGGIN GET IT. It is not fun to be kicked in the head while trying to sleep.

So we made it through the night and I have never been so glad to get up early and go to the dentist because that just means that someone is probing in my mouth and causing me great pain and that indicates that the night is over and anything is better than laying pantless on hard wood while being kicked in the head.