Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The One Where Noone Gets Any Sleep...

Last night was rough. To put it mildly, it SUCKED.


Cooper is sick. Sniffly, congested, can't breath, SICK. But last night we added another element to the mix. Uncontrollable crying and withering around. I knew he was hurting but I was having a hard time figuring out where and what (if anything) I could do about it. We tried tylenol. We tried a bottle. We tried a flashlight...(which sounds weird but Craig has this flashlight and is just Cooper size and when it's dark sometimes you can hand it to Coop and he flails it around and watches the light and chews on the end...). Anyway we tried all that we knew to try. Craig walked around with him. I cradled him. NOTHING. WAS. WORKING.


He would take his bottle for like 30 seconds and then stop and start to cry again. I thought maybe he was having trouble with the milk (because of all the freakin congestion) so we tried pedialyte. He would still only eat for like half a minute.

I had him propped in my lap on a pillow and all of a sudden IT ALL CAME UP. Like possibly everything he had ever eaten in his whole life, possibly everything anyone had ever eaten in their whole life...since the beginning of time...all PROJECTILE VOMIT style. We were soaked and covered and so was the bed.

I changed and changed the Coop, who had miraculously stopped screaming and was down to a whimper. Poor little baby, I knew he must be miserable. Anyway so we relocated to the couch and I tried just holding him against me which was actually working so me and him propped against the couch to try and get some much needed sleep. (By this time it was 3:00 am).

Craig comes and flops on the other couch, apple in hand...I'm like, "what are you doing, are you not going back to bed?" He was like "no, pretty much I have to get up in three hours I'll just stay up!" (See when I get delirious I get funny when Craig gets delirious he gets cranky and unreasonable).

So me and Coop are sitting there trying to sleep while Craig sits 3 feet away and munches on an apple...have you ever heard anyone eat an apple at 3:00 in the morning? Pretty much the most annoying sound ever...it's dead silence then CRUUUUNNNNCH...chew chew chew...CRUUUUNNNNCH...chew chew chew.

I cannot describe to you the absolute torture this caused my ears. It was worse than nails on a blackboard, it was worse than nails on jeans (bec!) and I'm pretty sure it was worse than if fifteen cows had been in my house, all mooing, all dying.

Finally the apple was gone. Then *then* he decided to go back into the bedroom...finally I think we'll get some rest. Now I'm trying not to move at all because I don't want to risk waking him up and starting this whole process over again.

Mercy cat jumps up on the coffee table and swipes the bag of cat treats that are lying there. CRAP! Now if a normal cat encountered a bag of treats it wouldn't be that bad. They might bat it around a little, play with it for a few seconds but then they would loose interest because, well they're a cat and a cat has the attention span of like, 2.8 seconds. But not Mercy cat, she is like a freakin ninja...with tools. She grabs the bag with her teeth and carries it to the floor. All the while I'm whispering "mercy...mercy...no...NO..." She ignores me and proceeds to use her teeth and front paws to rip into the bag...an effective, albeit SLOW, TORTUROUS way to open them. So I keep hearing *crinkle* rip rip rip *crinkle* rip rip rip until I almost entitled this post "the one where the cat gets the boot".

Then the crying starts again. AUGHGHTHTHGHGH. I try a nifty little hold called the collick carry that my brilliant mom showed me. This calmed him and as long as I had pressure on his tummy he was fine. The minute I layed him down he screamed but if I was holding him pressing on his tummy he seemed okay. So this is what we did. We pressed and we whimpered and we slept.

Poor little guy, I hope and pray that he feels better today. (Craig and my mom have him at the doctor right now).

And as for Craig and Mercy, no more cat treats and SO HELP ME IF I EVER BUY ANOTHER APPLE AGAIN.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

DO YOU JUST WANT ME TO BEND OVER OR WHAT?!

Last night I was hit with a particularly hard case of delirium...is that a word? Anyway I was absolutely DELIRIOUS.

Craig, Cooper, Cooper's curious george doll and me were laying on the couch and Craig was trying to get comfortable so he was moving around and I thought he needed a pillow for his head so I'm like "do you want me to stuff curious george in you?" And he was like, "ummmm yeahhhhh what do you want me to do, bend over?!" And I'm like "WHAT?!" He's like, "you asked if I wanted you to stuff curious george IN me." (insert hilarious laughter here). "NOooooooo" I say, "I meant do you want me to stuff curious george in your head.....wait...I mean UNDER your head...as a pillow..." But Craig thought we just needed to go to bed because I apparently really needed some sleep.

So we're laying in bed and we're all watching Cooper's new projector thing that we got him for Christmas. (It plays lullabys and projects lights and scenes on the ceiling...very relaxing). So we're just laying there enjoying it and Craig was like "well is there anything else that you want to prop on my face?" I look over to see what he means and realize that I've flopped my whole hand across his face and it was just laying there...I guess I thought it was comfortable, I don't know...I didn't even realize I was doing it. (More hilarious laughter).

Then after the lullabys had stopped and the lights had went out we were almost asleep when I burst into a fit of giggles. "What? asked Craig, are you thinking about the curious george thing again?" "No....I (hehehehe) I was just thinking about (hahahaha) I was remembering aunt Trudy opening the enema at Christmas (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Do...(hehehe) do you remember that? Do you remember her UNWRAPPING it?!?! The look on her face when she saw the ritz box (hahahahahahahahahaha)" And Craig was like "Vaguely...but I don't remember it being that funny".

I continued to laugh myself to sleep...oh if every night could consist of happy thoughts about curious george and Christmas enemas...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Cooper-month 7

Cooper...where do I even begin? This last month you have done more, learned more and tried more than in your whole life time combined! You seem to develop new skills and "do new tricks" each and every day! Every time I come home is extremely exciting because I just never know what to expect! All the time you are trying new things.

You can now roll over from side to side, although you generally stop in between rolls and flop your head down on the floor and then look up at us like "why am I in the floor and you're up there watching me?! PICK. ME. UP."

You say "dadada" constantly and it's so appropriate because he IS your very favorite person! Last night I got to your gran and grandpa frosty's first and you were *mildly excited* to see me. Enough to give me a small smile and then go back to playing. But when your daddy walked in the room anyone would have thought that you hadn't seen that man in a year because you lifted up your arms and you excitedly started clasping your fists together and you smiled and laughed and squealed and absolutely could not wait for him to pick you up! It was a "melt your heart" kind of moment. Even if you didn't do it for me...

You now say "hey" and "hi". When we walk in we say HEY and more often than not you mimic us in your adorable little voice HEYYY. I love to hear you talk. I could listen to your chatter all day, every day.

You are trying to crawl. Last night you were on the floor on your tummy and you were moving your arms and legs the right way but your belly was in the way. You looked like you were swimming, IT WAS HILARIOUS! I think very very soon you'll start to at least army crawl (you came so close last night) and after that there really will be no stopping you!

I have to do some MAJOR baby proofing very soon...

Oh you do this one thing where you grab both sides of our face and kind of give us a kiss. Except it's more like you try to eat our nose or chin or cheek...and I'm not entirely sure that it's out of affection...it's more like a war strategy...like maybe we're your prisoner and you're trying to make us talk...but all the same I LOVE IT! I'm a sucker for any kind of attention you pay us.

You can now sit up by yourself which is adorable and pretty handy too. You're still pretty unsteady and you do topple over but we can sit you up between us (me and your daddy) and you love it!

This past weekend we had Christmas with mema, grandma gilleland, brad, donna, crystal, brandy and dillon. You loved it! You would open a present, play with it, get cranky and then open another gift. You did seem a little over whelmed at times...and baby, you ain't seen nothing yet!

Tomorrow is Christmas eve and we'll go to grandma mincey's to open presents then to dipper dan's. Then on Christmas day we'll have santa presents, then presents from mommy and daddy then we'll have Christmas with nanny and poppop THEN we'll have Christmas with gran, frosty and aunt bec! WHAT A DAY!!!

The reason we celebrate Christmas is because God gave us Jesus. God sent Jesus to earth, to live and teach and finally to die. Jesus gave us the ultimate gift...he gave his life because that was the only way me and you and daddy and ANYONE could go to heaven. God gave us his Son, knowing that he had to make this sacrifice. And Jesus knew, even thousands of years ago that he was dying for us. For you, Cooper. He looked through time and saw your face and he said your name and I know that one day when you're old enough you'll ask him to live inside your heart. That's the reason that we celebrate Christmas. God gave us the gift of Jesus and Jesus gave us the gift of Salvation. We commemorate this by giving each other gifts. That's how tradition starts. This is the serious side of Christmas and it's the most important. Christmas is all about giving.

Santa Claus is part of the spirit of giving. Anyone who spends all year selflessly making thousands and thousands of toys and training reindeer surely deserves a shout-out! Santa spends all Christmas eve delivering toys to little boys and girls all around the world! What a wonderful feeling to be little and wake up Christmas morning and know that all around the world there is celebration and fun and OH MY GOSH AT THE PRESENTS! Santa is a part of Christmas, not the most important part but still a part!

Remember these things when you get older. Listen to your mommy, she is very wise...

I love you more than I will ever be able to tell you or communicate to you. It would be impossible to let you know just how much you have completed me and your daddy. We finally have our family. You, little one, you make everything happier, better and I absolutely don't know what we did without you! I am having more fun watching you grow, helping you learn and just showing you more love than I've ever felt in my entire life...

Cooper, Merry Christmas, baby!

Love,
mommy

Friday, December 19, 2008

Naughty Deer...


Merry Christmas from my aunt kathy and uncle rob...i asked them to email me pictures of the family to use for a project that i was doing...this is what i got...REALLY GUYS? REALLY?!?!

1 HOUR, 40 MINUTES TO GO...

until i get off...basically all im doing at the moment is killing time...riding the clock...looking busy. should we have to work the week before Christmas? my answer is no, unless of course you're in retail and then i think stores should have to stay open 24/7 until Christmas eve so all of us who have procrastinated all year long can finish their shopping...that is if we had any money to do it with...which we probably don't.

we had to pay for Craig's school the other day (which i had totally forgotten was due) and was kind of in shock and totally unprepared and i did not have $431. So trying to be the responsible self-reliant adult that i strive to be (insert eye rolls here), i called my credit card company to see if they could extend my credit limit so we could charge it...i was informed that i had sufficient credit for someone with my economic status...REALLY?! ARE YOU SURE?! because i think *I THINK* if i truly had sufficient credit then i wouldnt have called to try and get more...

and why does the internet always tell you this will work? every money saving article is always like "call the credit card company, they will work with you. they'll extend your credit limit. they'll take that late charge off. they'll reduce your interest rate..." SERIOUSLY INTERNET?! I FEEL LIKE YOU LIE TO ME...i mean maybe they would extend YOUR credit limit but maybe thats because you're apparently some kind of FINANCIAL ADVISOR since you're writing articles about it...but for me (joe-the-non-plumber) they feel that i have sufficient enough credit...

now we could have easily borrowed the money from my parents but they probably would have lent us cash to which i would feel compelled to pay back the next week when we got payed and really i had already planned to use that money for useful things like Christmas presents and...cheese...so i needed a financial lender who was willing to put up a credit card for us. so we called craig's mom and she charged it for us...yay for people with SUFFICIENT UNTAPPED CREDIT...

ANYWAY that was kind of a random tirade...like i said me: bored. and for some reason im not capitalizing or punctuating...is punctuating a word? hmmm im not sure...

so its almost a new year so we should all be making resolutions that we intend to keep but will probably break before january 2nd...i could write a whole book about resolutions that i need to make but i wont bore you...either that or im afraid that once i put it in writing i'll feel compelled to stick with it...

i was thinking maybe id like to win something this next year...a car would be nice...but seriously i was thinking i might enter lots of contests next year. like maybe at least one a day? contests are everywhere: internet, magazines, stores, etc. but anyway im thinking if i find at least one contest to enter a day (and blog about it) i would be bound to win SOMETHING. and if after 365 times of entering and not winning i think we can conclude that all of that is a scam...and that we've been lied to...

so anyway let me know what you think...or not...whatever...im going back to looking busy for...75 more minutes...

Monday, December 15, 2008

BABY STEPS...

So my grandma (whom I truly do love, although you might not believe it after this), decided that my Cooper needed shoes THIS weekend. She called on Saturday morning and asked what I was doing. The truth was I had planned on running to Gainesville to go shopping because I desperately needed to finish some Christmas shopping but I was on a pretty tight schedule because we had our Christmas Church supper that night (where Craig played santa claus and did an AWESOME job and handed out marshmallow guns to all the kids-woo hoo go craig!)

Anyway so it was going to be kind of a rush trip but then again any shopping trip with my grandma is a rush trip, just ask anyone who's ever been...Becca...Gretchen...mom...Trudy...you know it...you know it is. The woman is almost...73? I'm pretty sure that's how old but she can RUN like no one's business. She RUNS and gets exactly what she is looking for and then she's all like, "okay are you ready to go" and we're all like "ummmm we've only been here for fifteen minutes and the only store we've been to is Belk's so...noooooo we're not ready quite yet..."

So we loaded up, (me, grandma, Cooper and Bec, who let us know that she didn't even want to go but she didn't have a whole lot of choices...gee thanks...).

My grandma has this obsessive thing with Cooper's feet. She thinks they are in a constant state of icyness. She's always like "his feet are freezing", "cover his feet up" and "MY LORD, WHERE ARE HIS SOCKS?!" And I always say things like "he loves NAKIE FEET...let his toes breath" and then she just gives me a look like she wants me to die.

I just don't see the point in baby shoes. Sure they're cute but they serve no purpose. Does he walk? No. Therefore he doesn't need shoes! But I thought okay, what the heck, she wants to buy shoes, if it makes her happy, we'll buy shoes, how hard could that be...(famous last words)...


Okay this is the problem with my kid's feet: they are extremely FAT. And I kind of thought that they were long too, that is until I actually started trying to fit him for shoes. But they're not, they are actually just really fat and short...so kind of ball like...picture a really round foot shaped ball with long toes sticking out...

We tried shoes at target. We found nothing that fit however we did get a really good picture of Becca trying huge ladies pink fuzzy slippers on him. Grandma was not amused.


Next we went to the mall. We went to J.C. Penny's-no fat baby feet shoes. We went to Sears-nothing but long skinny toddler shoes. We had an interesting conversation:

-grandma: are you going to let him watch sesame street?

-me: sure, yeah, he loves t.v.

-grandma: (leaning closer): well let me tell you what I heard...

-me: (looking nervously at bec because WELL you just never know...)

-grandma: somebody at work told me that they called their daughter and said YOU BETTER NOT BE LETTING MY GRANDKIDS WATCH THAT SESAME STREET! because I heard that bert and ernie...well ya know...

-me: what?

-grandma: you know, bert and ernie...they're playin a different kind of family...

-me: WHAT?

-grandma (whispering): gay!

-me: grandma, I thing they're brothers.

-becca: yeah I'm pretty sure they're brothers.

-grandma: well...I don't know...I just wanted to tell you in case you don't want him watching that

-me: I'm almost positive they're brothers so yes, sesame street is fine...

-bec: (eyes rolling all over the place)

Back to the horrible shoe shopping...so it wasn't just that they weren't fitting every single shoe was a battle. Becca would hold Cooper suspended in air trying to keep his arms down. Grandma would hand me shoes and I would try to wrestle it onto his flailing foot not convinced in that moment that he wasn't spawned from an octopus...the kid hates shoes! He is apparently very ticklish on his feet and everytime I touched him it was like his.feet.were.on.fire.and.he.hated.his.mommy. So there was flailing and screaming and gnashing of teeth...wait maybe that's something else I'm thinking of...

ANYWAY so we find nothing! We hit every store imaginable that might have shoes that would fit him. I was soaked in sweet, this was hard work! Grandma was getting desperate, she even pointed out a shoe store who's name was oddly enough: SHOES, SHOES, SHOES! Grandma got really excited until Becca pointed out that it looked like all they had were high heeled shoes and other hooker apparel...

We finally made it to Belk's, grandma's mecca and the one place where she was positive they would surely have the right baby shoes for Cooper's feet. By this time mom and dad, who were doing some shopping of their own had joined us. We tried on more and more shoes. NOTHING. Finally she see's a rack off in the distance. "Look!" Her excitement was almost *almost* contagious. The last rack...off in the horizon...our last chance for our baby not to catch frostbite and end up like a three-toed angry old man...


They have a pair that GLORY HALLELUJAH, fits! They were actually pretty cute too! Augh, sweet relief, life is good again, I can stop tormenting my child and his toes! Grandma is elated. I flip the shoe over...$30.00...thirty...THIRTY LOUSY DOLLARS for a pair of shoes that he DOESN'T need and that he will only be able to wear for MAYBE a month..."grandma, $30.00 dollars is a lot of money...why don't we just wait..." She looks horrified...she looks defeated...she looks at my dad. He says, "$30.00 is extremely unreasonable for a pair of baby shoes." She put the shoes back. She consoled herself by buying two huge packs of baby socks and I promised that if it was really cold I would dress him in two pairs...This was Saturday afternoon.

Sunday morning: I get a wake up call. Grandma wants to know if we're up and tell us that she's coming down, she has something for Cooper. She gets there with an adorable pair of sneakers. They actually fit! She said she couldn't sleep at all on Saturday night so she got up super early and went to walmart. She said if she hadn't found any there she was going to get my dad to take her to Atlanta...

Grandma was so happy I didn't even have the heart to tell her that the characters on the side of the shoe were from Sesame Street...

Monday, December 8, 2008

the one in which your family and friends tell you to shove it up your @$$

I am listening to this radio station and I swear all day long I've heard these 2 commercials: one is for a weight loss company and one is for laser hair removal. Both companies advertise that their product or a gift card for their product would make the perfect stocking stuffer...REALLY?!


It's like "Here, I really want you to have this...for your unsightly hair in innapropriate places covering your body...and also I think you're kind of fat..."

Is it just me or does that not really say "Happy Birthday Jesus"...

Baby Teeth make me want to DIE...

ughghghgh. the teething. ughghghghgh. It makes me shutter to think of it.

Yesterday kind of sucked. Cooper threw up twice, (once all over the church pew...) then he refused to eat anything. He fell asleep right after church and slept for...wait...wait for it...3 1/2 HOURS! Most parents would be like "SCORE!" But not me, I just kept starring at him wondering what was wrong and why he was still asleep.

Finally I willed him awake with my non stop starring and I figured okay he's going to be starved because he's only had 1 1/2 bottles and by this time normally he's had 3 and sometimes 4! So I fix a bottle and he drinks *maybe* an ounce...then he's like "okay I'm done". THE KID WOULD NOT EAT ANYTHING! I tried formula. I tried juice. I tried applesauce. Nope, he wanted NOTHING. I have never experienced this before because Cooper loves to eat! It's his very favorite activity. He's all like, "oh food, yeah I'll eat that...oh milk, yum give it to me, wait-juice? you want to give me juice? Juice is incredible, of course I want it...random piece of something he picked up off the floor-heck yeah it goes IN my mouth!" But yesterday he was all like "hmmm yeah ummmmm I'm not going to be eating that...uuummmm I might open my mouth to trick you but that's all...yeah...it's just how I roll today..." And I was like "OH MY GOSH EAT THE FOOD! EAT THE FOOD TINA! EAT THE FOOD!"

So mom came down and did manage to get him to take a few tiny bites of applesauce. I stopped panicking. Applesauce is good. People can live off of applesauce. Babies don't die as long as they eat applesauce, right?

Then came the non-stop crying. For hours it seemed. Crying and crying and then he would mix it up with a little screaming and then a screech then good old fashioned crying. I tried orajel. He looked at me like he hated me. I tried a bottle. He was like "seriously, are you kidding, I'll puke all over you to prove my point-I. DON'T. WANT. THAT." I tried tylenol. He tried to use his baby powers to project just how very much he wanted me to die.

I knew he must be hurting but I can't be convinced that it was excruciating pain because if I stood up and walked around and went to the door and let him look outside he stopped crying...then we walked back to the living room and he was like "AAAGGGHHH I HATE MY LIFE". So from this I concluded he COULD stop crying. It was POSSIBLE. So whatever was hurting (I'm betting on the demon teeth), apparently wasn't hurting to the point that he was going to die, only the point where I thought I was.

Then I tried what my mom always says to try. The bath. The magical, glorious bath. And he was like "hhhmmmm warm water? check. splashing? check. naked? check! And he actually stopped crying...while he was in the water. Now here in wherein our dilemma lies. He's not crying but seriously how long can we keep up this charade? You can only stay wet and naked for a limited amount of time when you're 6 months old. So carefully I lift him out and wrap him in a towel...hoping, praying, that the bath did the trick. That he would have forgotten about what was hurting and he was relaxed enough to not care...I carried him to the bedroom...so far, so good. I layed him down to put his clothes on and he was like "WHAT, WHAT THE CRAP, WOMAN?! HOW DARE YOU LAY ME DOWN AND DEMAND THAT I PUT THAT SHIRT ON?!" And the screaming started again...

Finally after he was dry and dressed and all riled up again I tried the bottle one more time and it worked! He was still mad, he was scowling but...he was also closing his eyes. A little at a time. Yep...finally, finally he went back to sleep.

It just hurts me that I can't seem to help him at all when he gets like that. If I knew what to do I would.

If I could grow those #%&* teeth for him I would.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Steak on a Stick

When Craig suggested chinese for supper I was excited. When I called it in and found out that they had terriyaki steak I was elated. When I opened the brown bag and found steak on a stick I was confused...

Six pieces of marinated steak woven onto a long stick and cooked and then placed in a bag. Doesn't that seem like a weird entree to you? No rice, no noodles, no vegetables, just steak...on a stick...

I didn't think to ask "does it come with rice?" because at the chinese restaurant WHAT DOESN'T COME WITH RICE?!?! I mean seriously, you order sesame chicken they say "that come with RICE, you want noodle too?" You order mongolian beef and they say "you want fried RICE or steam RICE-which one for you?" You order chicken fried rice and they say "OOHH GOOD, YOU ALIKA DA RICE...WE ALIKA DA RICE...THAT COME WITH RICE..LOTS AND LOTS A RICE...RICE MAKE YOU HAPPY...RICE MAKE US RICH..." Then you order the freakin terriyaki steak and it comes on a FLIPPIN STICK with NO RICE....

I feel jipped...I feel sad and most of all I feel hungry...

Bring on the Awesome <><><><

1) It's one day closer to that magical day called FRIDAY (aka: payday, aka: WEEKEND)!!!
2) TV is absolutely amazing on Thursday:
~My name is Earl (hilarious white trash action)
~Kath and Kim (i've only seen this once but i was amused plus it's a good filler to get ready for):
~THE OFFICE!!! (hands down, best show on the air)! then finally:
~30 ROCK (runs a close second to the office)!
(I have to give an honerable mention to grey's anatomy and ugly betty which also comes on thursday and if it came on at 10:00 and 11:00 it would be the perfect storm of television but unfortunetly it collides with earl and the
office so i have to catch it over the weekend on abc.com)

So basically I plan to get the best food for the best supper, I plan to wear my most comfy pajamas and I plan to cuddle under blankets on the couch with my best craig and my super best cooper. (and I'm also hoping that the cats have a calm night and there is NO climbing the Christmas tree and there is NO climbing the couch and maybe jay-jay, mercy and dudley curl up at my feet AND if I'm feeling really good I may just break out the egg nog and wrap a few presents!

I AM STOKED! BRING ON THE AWESOME...
<><><><
shannon

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

THE *puppy* MOTHER OF ALL PET PEEVES

~So I'm sitting out front at my lovely job and someone calls and they're like "yeah...ummm..do you like got the number for....ya know....like my probation officer...? "Who is your probation officer?" "ummmm I don't know like his name or nothin..." "okay...well there are several I'll just give the number to one." "do you think it'll...like...be the one I need...?" I DON'T KNOW SIR, WHY DON'T YOU STOP ROLLING YOUR DOOBIES LONG ENOUGH TO FIND YOUR *puppy* PAPERWORK AND FIND THE NAME OF OWN FREAKIN *puppy* PROBATION OFFICER AND THEN CALL ME BACK!!!!



~(a phone conversation):

me: sheriff's office

caller: hey!

me: hello.

caller: could you give me the number to the probate court?

me: sure, it's 706-

caller: WAIT! I don't have a pen!

me: okay.

caller: (background noise) HEY LEROY! LE-ROY! YOU GOT A PEN?!

leroy: A WHAT?!

caller: A PEN. A PENCIL. SOMETHIN TO WRITE WITH!

leroy: WHAT IN THE #%&* ARE YOU YELLIN ABOUT. I CAN'T HEAR MY WRESTLIN!

caller: DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MY MAMA WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU. I SHOULD TAKE THIS FRYING PAN AND HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD!

me: UH, MA'AM...MA'AM! I'M STILL HERE...

caller: YOU SORRY PIECE O CRAP, GET OFF YOUR LAZY @#$ AND GET A *puppy* JOB! WHERE THE %#^*& DID I PUT MY GUN?!

me: MA'AM! MA'AM!! DO YOU NEED AN OFFICER?! HELLO?!

caller: hey, I'm back. sorry about that, had to find me a pen!

me: umm is everything okay?

caller: right as rain, I'm ready for that number now!



~A CONVERSATION IN THE FRONT LOBBY:

me: how can I help you?

man: I need to get fingerprinted for a gun permit

me: (pointing) okay just walk around the side of the building, through the double doors.

man: around this side (pointing)

me: yes sir, just around the side, through the double doors

(as he's walking out the door I see him turn the wrong way...)

(5 minutes later)

man: uh ma'am I hate bother you again but I walked around and couldn't find any doors

me: (standing up and pointing and gesturing) you walk THAT way around THAT side of the building and go through THAT set of doors

man: okay thank you ma'am

(6 minutes later)

man: ma'am...

me: yes?

man: I found the doors but there wasn't nobody at that desk

me: did you see the front window? did you see the sign? the sign that said PLEASE RING FOR ASSISTANCE? did you ring the bell? DID YOU? no you didnt? okay well then that would be wherein your problem lies...that and the fact that you are SO STUPID you cant follow simple direction like around the MOTHER *puppy* SIDE OF THE BUILDING! I mean seriously sir DO YOU NEED A GUN? because frankly if you can't find the side of the building and you clearly aren't capable of ringing a *puppy* *puppy* bell then I'm not sure that I want you packin heat!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

it was like a PTERODACTYL going down in QUICK SAND

The quote my husband used to describe me when I fell yesterday in the walmart parking lot.

It was shaping up to be a good night. I had bought stuff for supper (grilled hamburgers for Craig and taco salad for me). We were both in a good mood. We had went to walmart and rented a FREE movie and we were on our way to get that beautiful baby! It had been snowing all day long and it was like walking in a winter wonderland. Me and Craig were walking arm in arm and had just strolled out of walmart when my STUPID TOO LONG PANTS collided with the FREAKIN SLIPPERY PARKING LOT and mixed with my GENERAL CLUMSINESS & INABILITY TO WALK and down I went...Since Craig was linked with me I apparently tried to take him down too. The way I fell I ended up turning completely around and I remember Craig's feet flailing over my head as he hopped me in an attempt NOT to fall. He succeeded. I lay wounded. Okay well not much was wounded but my pride and also I ripped the strap on my fake crock...

After I got myself up and we laughed hysterically we proceeded home and had the anticipated good night. While I was in the bathroom changing I hear Craig on the phone with Joann. He's describing my fall and he goes "it was like a PTERODACTYL...going down in...QUICK SAND...KAW KAWWW" and I open the door to find him flapping his arms. I roll my eyes and smile and remember that it's moments like this, when my husband makes fun of me for almost breaking my leg that I realize just how much I love this man...

Monday, December 1, 2008

My Drug Induced Rage

Black Friday was a bleak day for me and the walmart pharmacy.

Thanksgiving night (midnight) me, Becca, Crystal, Brandy and Heather headed out to the outlet mall (where we only got a parking space thanks to wonderful JOSHY)! Anyway so we shop (which at the outlet mall on Thanksgiving at midnight consists of walking in the cold and squeezing into stores that haven't yet reached their maximum capacity as stated by the fire marshall [the ones that have, have people standing outside to get IN, we didn't attempt these] and then inching our way around finding one or two deals and then realizing that the mob of people standing butt to front, squished together in a line that snakes around the store three times and out the door is actually the check out line to pay...then putting your stupid cheap t-shirt up and walking out in the cold again). So yeah that's what we did until like 4:00 in the morning. We get back to Joann's and I get a few *few* hours sleep because Cooper wakes up. See he doesn't realize that his mommy is a crazy person that spent all the hours that he was asleep doing stupid, stupid things in the cold so he is bright eyed and bushy tailed and I'm like "I am going to die...ughghgh"

After a few more hours (none of which were spent sleeping and I have to admit some of which were spent at target...it's like I'm a glutton for punishment...). So Craig has gotten progressively worse (he has previously been sick). Of course this didn't stop him from going to home depot three times...YES THREE. On the same day.

He decided when we got back to town he would go to the walmart quick care clinic. So while he does this I shop around walmart (I know!) and Becca stays in the car with sleeping Coop. After he gets out of the clinic he tells me that they called him in an antibiotic to the walmart pharmacy and it will be ready in 30 minutes. I tell him that I'm finding a few things and why doesn't he take Becca and Cooper to mom and dad's and let them keep him until we get done.

Fast forward 45 minutes to 1 hour later. Craig gets back to walmart, I finish shopping and we head to the pharmacy. Here's where things get ugly...we wait in line (ugh the line...) and finally it's our turn. Craig tells her his name and she checks the computer and this is where Craig severed all ties with the cashier and I took over the conversation...

cashier- "oh okay well that's been called in and but it's not ready yet because we didn't know you were "in store".

me: "what? what do you mean you didn't know we were in store? we were in the freakin clinic. that's in the FREAKIN STORE! the clinic told us it would be 30 minutes."

cashier-"well...actually...you're supposed to come check in back here at the pharmacy and let us know that you're going to be waiting to pick it up...because otherwise we don't know you're "in store"

me: trying to kill her with my dagger eyes

cashier: with a smirky smile "it will be about 30 minutes"

me: "what the frick? WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD PASS ALONG THIS INFORMATION TO THE CLINIC, (THAT YOU SHOULD CHECK IN) BECAUSE THEY'RE TELLING PEOPLE THAT THEIR MEDICINE WILL BE READY IN 30 MINUTES AND CLEARLY IT'S NOT. SO I GUESS I'LL JUST GO THE FRICK HOME, PICK UP MY SICK BABY, DRIVE MY SICK HUSBAND BACK TO THE STORE AND THEN COME THE FRICK BACK HERE!"

(I tend to exaggerate sometimes but this is truthfully pretty much word for word how this conversation went).

Then i walked away raging and telling everyone I saw that I knew, about how much the stupid pharmacy sucks. (And one of my BFF's works there and she is awesome and had she been there this incident wouldn't have happened because she's smart enough to know the clinic is INSIDE the store).

So we leave and I tell Craig to take me to Rite-Aid because I'm going to find out how to transfer our prescriptions there. I go in and talk to the NICEST pharmacy tech and she tells me they just call walmart and get it transferred. I ask how long it would take. She says 20 minutes...let's do it!
So the pharmacist calls and I can hear his side of the conversation: "oh it's already ready...well she's here and she wants it transferred..." and I'm like "that's amazing that they could fill it that fast since they told me it would take another 30 minutes". The tech said I certainly wasn't the first person with this complaint.

So after spending 10 minutes (TOTAL) in Rite-Aid I walked out with Craig's prescription and a $30.00 gift card for transferring a prescription. WOO HOO!

After a few days to clear my head I thought maybe *maybe* I had over-reacted a little bit because of my tiredness and the fact that I was walking/shopping zombie...but looking back I'm proud of the decision that I made...I mean really, do I want people who don't even realize that the WALMART CLINIC is located IN the walmart dispensing me pills...I think not.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

COOPER-MONTH 6!!!

Cooper, don't be too mad at your mommy for being three days late in writing this blog for you because for the past three days I have spent the majority of my time holding you, rocking you and praying to the Almighty that you stop crying.

We had a rough weekend. On Friday night you, my marvelous beautiful baby boy who has slept through the night from the very beginning of your life decided to wake up and cry every two hours...I dutifully got up with you. I rocked you, I fed you and sometimes I even held you on my lap and we both slept in the big bed.

On Saturday I could tell something was wrong. You didn't want to take a nap. You didn't want to play. You didn't want to eat. You wanted to cry. And cry. And then, in case we didn't get it, you wanted to cry some more. Saturday night you didn't sleep, only cried. The most frustrating part in all of this was the fact that I didn't know what was wrong. Were you hurting? Were you hungry? Were you on some kind of baby crack that had opened a whole new realm of emotions for you? Did you finally hear who our new president was?

Finally around 8:30 Sunday morning, I told your daddy that he HAD to take you for a little while because I HAD to sleep at least an hour. I was exhausted. He took over Cooper-duty while I slept on the couch. I still woke up every little bit when I would hear you and ask how you were and remind your daddy of things like "um did you feed him" and "try changing his diaper" and other relatively easy baby things it would seem but for some reason when your daddy is the sole provider for you these things fall out of his head.

Things went from bad to worse. When word got around that you were sick your family CONVERGED into our house. Your grandma Mincey tends to freak out in all situations concerning you and it didn't help my mood or the fact that I was running on very little sleep by insisting that I go lay down while she folded clothes and did dishes. Even if you actually are exhausted if someone keeps insisting that you are, IT BECOMES MADDENING.

Luckily by Sunday night we had a system I sat up in bed with pillows behind me and crossed my legs indian style. I put a pillow on my legs and propped you up, facing me. It worked. You slept. I slept. I still woke up a lot but not to you screaming, I woke up just to touch your face or chest to make sure you were breathing. We made it through the night.

Yesterday you were a completely different baby. Thank God you finally started feeling better and you were back to being MY MOST PRECIOUS, SWEET, LOVING TINY HUMAN BEING THAT I REMEMBERED!

You completely amaze me with your new skills. You roll, you "sing", you play and you definitely have your very own personality. Last night I was letting you play with a new toy that is actually supposed to strap to your car seat to give you something to do while riding but since it wasn't on your seat yet I decided to let you try it out. It is a long hard plastic bar with toys that spin and light up in the middle. It velcro's onto the car seat. After I had given you this baby death toy to play with I realized just how dangerous it was. It would be fine if it had indeed been fastened securely onto your seat but since I handed it to you loose you gripped it in your chubby fists and waved it furiously around hitting several things including your own face and head...after seeing this several times (if I was a good mom, one time would have been enough, but I swear it was so entertaining...) anyway I finally took it away which sent you into a tantrum! I know realistically that I should discourage such behavior but I just looked at you in awe and wonder and rejoiced in the fact that you're YOU! You may only be 6 months old but you know what you want. You wanted that toy and you were extremely aggravated that I took it away and you let me know! You communicated your feelings! I don't why this amazes me but for some reason it just reiterates the fact that YOU'RE REAL. You are a real human being and you're developing normally and you are reaching all your milestones and MY GOSH AT THE PERSONALITY YOU ALREADY HAVE!

Sometimes I'll hold you standing up in my lap so our faces our even and I'll say "COOPER. COOPER. COOPER" over and over again trying to get you to look at me. You deliberately turn your head to look past my shoulder and then I see you smile. YOU'RE ALREADY IGNORING ME, oh what a great relationship we're going to have when you're a teenager!

No matter what your face always lights up when your daddy or your grandpa frosty walks in the room...I pretend like it annoys me but it's actually pretty cute, you are definitely a "man's man"!

You sing to me by looking at me and screeching in different tones and I can only imagine that you feel like I'm doing the same thing when I try to sing to you.

You love prunes and bananas and sweet potatoes but most of all you love coke! When you reach for my cup I usually give you a sip and your eyes get big and you get VERY excited and then afterwards you make this growly noise and flap your arms to show everyone who very much you love sugar!

This week is your very first Thanksgiving. Oh Cooper, you have not known the definition of "fiasco" until you live through a holiday season with our family! I have many stories to share with you when you're older and only if you promise to not repeat the words I'll have to use to describe the happenings...but most of all this Thanksgiving and Christmas you're going to experience the most love and joy and warmness that you've ever felt! No matter how many times we change the location of Thanksgiving with grandma Joann or how "late" we happen to be to grandma Mincey's (even though it's not really fair to say "we'll eat between 12-:00 and 12:30" and then call at 11:55 and ask why we're not there yet. If you want to eat at 11:55, FINE, but just say so to begin with...) anyway DESPITE all of those things holidays rock with our families! They are second to none and you are going to love it! You will be passed around and hugged more than you have in your entire life. And the presents, OH THE PRESENTS! You will be surrounded by shinny paper and curly ribbons and bags and bags that will CRINKLE in your submissive little hands! And nap time is completely unheard of on holidays. You will be encouraged to stay up and play until you finally have to lay down in the floor amongst piles of discarded gift wrap and boxes and catch a short rest. Then we'll get you back up because it will be time to try new foods and anything and everything sugar coated! That is a holiday with our family.

And as for the "warm fuzzy" feeling, well that comes from grandma Mincey's house. It will be the hottest feeling you've ever had. (She even bought a brand new heater last month...) Luckily for you you're still young enough that it would be acceptable for you to strip down naked and roll around on the floor cool yourself off...

hugs and kisses and love,
your mommy
<><><><

Thursday, November 20, 2008

PREGNANT AGAIN!!!

not me.

dooce is preggo again http://www.dooce.com

i cant wait to read about her preggo-related adventures...they promise to be very amusing...and by the way did i freak any of you out just now with the whole "pregnant again" DID I? DID I?!

Monday, November 17, 2008

For Your Viewing Pleasure

you should watch this youtube clip...you will laugh...repeatedly...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtKxrYp0pC0

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

okay GRETCHEN, here's your freakin blog...

I was told to write a blog so here's whats on my mind right now...

My current gripe and pet peeve:
there is a family waiting to see an investigator in the front lobby. I am sitting at the front desk because I was the unfortunate loser of the day. The mom is sitting in the chair facing me (even though there are plenty of chairs that don't require her to stare directly at me), and she's gripping about various things such as that she's cold, blah blah blah.

Her kid, a TEENAGE girl is spinning around right in front of the glass window to my office. She spins and spins and spins all the while saying "THE ROOM IS SPINNING, THE ROOM IS SPINNING" then she crashes spread eagle into the window (picture a bug hitting your windshield).

This is beyond annoying and distracting and I can't even eat my cheesy spaghetti bake because of the pandemonium AND THE FRIGGIN STARRING.

And this is not a little girl. If she was 3 I might (*might* depending vastly on my mood) find this endearing and cute but the girl is at least 13...(and not mentally handicapped...) although maybe if she hits the glass a few more times she'll qualify...

Friday, November 7, 2008

The Power of...Brain Power...x's 3...

Mom (Lorri), Angela and me have went coupon crazy. (As many of you already know). But we have realized that couponing is hard. It takes perseverance...it takes strategy...it takes brain power. And we have also realized that we don't have enough brain power alone, we must unite our brains to come up with one usable brain that is capable of true couponing genius...


Latest example: Last night kroger's was out of carnation evaporated milk that was on sale. This was a bummer because we were expecting to get it for free...here's how: it's normal price is $1.24. It was on sale for $1.00. But it was also part of the MEGA 10 DEAL where if you bought 10 items you got an additional $5.00 off your order. So if you bought 10 cans when you calculate that, it makes them $0.50 a can. HOWEVER we also had several coupons that were $0.50 off of 2 AND because kroger's doubles coupons that would make it $1.00 off of 2 and since we were getting them for $0.50 each that would make them free...now since they were out, we all got rainchecks and the rainchecks were written "each can $0.50 each". For some reason this blew our mind, our coupons went out of our brain window and we were mad thinking we were going to have the buy the milk for $0.50 a can...still a good deal but not free...


It took us 3 brains, 13 hours, a night's sleep, 3 phone calls and 1 voicemail later to realize that we would in fact still be able to obtain them for free...after using our coupons...

I'm glad we have each other because...well...I'm just not sure that any of us are smart enough to do this alone...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

You're like a homeless person...but with a home...

"You're a scavenger...you're like a homeless person...but with a home...and a job and a baby." That was the random quote that one of the deputies slapped me in the face with today when I merely mentioned that Shane's was giving away free chicken tenders if you brought in your "I VOTED" sticker.

Yes, I am like a scavenger. I'm just about the cheapest person you'll ever meet but who would turn down FREE CHICKEN?!

Now I can't honestly say that this quote came unprovoked, as every single day that I've seen him for the last week I've boasted about some kind of deal that I got for free...and okay maybe that does make me sound a little pathetic especially when you pair it with the fact that I told him about how I sometimes dumpster dive for coupons...BUT STILL...

KNOW THIS DEPUTY TYLER HENRY, I will no longer be sharing with you any of my fabulous finds and I hope that you always have to pay full price for your chicken as long as you live...

Harsh, I know but this idle threat comes with no fear of repercussion as he informed me he would never read my blog because he has no desire to read about "kittens and fluffy babies" or something like that and incidentally those happen to be my favorite subjects...

Friday, October 31, 2008

My email RANT to Ingle's

(this post is an email comment in it's entirety left by ME for the Ingle's company, reference my several different rants and grievances I've had with them lately. I plan to post the response (if I get one). If you get bored easily and don't appreciate a good gripe, skip ahead to next post to find out that Dudley's a girl...)

I just wanted to first commend your corporation for having quality food at competitive prices. Going to Ingles used to be a treat since you offer a wide variety of different type foods HOWEVER my last two shopping experiences in the last two weeks have almost persuaded me to stick to Kroger and other competitors such as our local J&J.

I had received a coupon in the mail from the Purina company inviting me to try a new cat litter. The coupon was for one (1) free bag of Yesterday's News Cat Litter (value up to $6.99). When I went to purchase this (along with lots of other groceries), I was told you don't take "internet coupons" for free items. I explained that it wasn't an internet coupon and that the company had sent it to me in the mail. The cashier called the manager(I think she was the manager) over (Amy) and she said the same thing. I again explained it wasn't an internet coupon (it was on security backed paper and to me did not look like something that would be interpreted as a "fake" or a "printout"). Amy responded with "well it looks like an internet coupon." I just kept my coupon (and redeemed it at J&J) and asked Ingle's to take the litter off my order. There was also a bag of cat food that had rung up a different price than what was marked on the shelf and when I questioned it the manager? (Amy) was very snippy and rude.

I chalked this up to "everyone has a bad day" and tried not to let this experience ruin my opinion about your store.


Last night I was shopping with my mom, baby and friend. I was disappointed because the 9-Lives cat food that had been advertised for two weeks as being on sale, wasn't there. I could see where there had been some on the shelf but they were gone. (This was also the case last week when I went specifically for that cat food...I'm not sure if maybe they just had so few bags or if maybe I just keep going after everyone else cleans them out...).

We all got several things and proceeded to check out. My friend was in a separate line than us and she got done before us. She walked over and told me to check what my Michelina's frozen dinners were ringing up because her's rung up wrong. (They were supposed to be 5/$5 and her's were ringing up $1.25 each-normal price). (There was a large sign on the freezer door). Mine had also rung up wrong. I pointed this out to the cashier and he called Amy. (My friend informed me later that when her cashier had called her over that she had been very rude and wouldn't take her word for it and went to check herself. Okay fine but when she came back she was very hateful and said "those weren't on sale the sign says "assorted varieties" and it doesn't include those. Really? They were the pizza rolls and buffalo chicken variety...So the sale was for the lasagna only? If that was true shouldn't the sign have said "select varieties"? Minor detail but she said she would adjust the price. (Which I'm pretty sure was supposed to be the "sale price" anyway). So when she (Amy), got called to my register she really wasn't happy, slamming my boxes, and muttering things). After that I handed the cashier my coupons. (Not an excessive amount and not to exceed your strict coupon policy). He looked shocked and exclaimed to Amy "she's got coupons too!!!" like maybe I was the cheapest person he had ever met (and I very well might be, lol)! Amy looked confused and told him that was okay. (Again I'm not sure why he was so shocked).

So considering the several different cases of rude customer service, having to figure out exactly how many coupons i am actually allowed to use on a certain order and the fact that a lot of your sales seem to be gone by the time I make it to the store I think Kroger and J&J are a better fit for me. I might not find the exotic choices that I have at Ingles but in my opinion customer service and helpfulness more than make up the difference!

I'm sure this is not the norm for all of your stores, I guess I am just unfortunate that this is the case for the store closest to me, (Dawsonville, Georgia). I am in no way trying to get anyone in trouble and I'm not even saying I'm boycotting your store. It's hard to keep a REAL CHEAPSKATE like me away if there's a super sale but for the most part I'll be frequenting friendlier stores! I sincerely hope that maybe these incidents were isolated and hopefully other people are enjoying the Ingle's Advantage!


Thanks for your time,
Shannon Sexton

DUDLEY'S A GIRL, DUDLEY'S A GIRL!!!

Kind of reminds me of the episode of Friend's when baby Chandler is supposed to be a boy according to ultrasound and after the birth she's a girl and Frank runs out and yells, "CHANDLER'S A GIRL, CHANDLER'S A GIRL!!!" And Chandler goes "oh kindergarten flashback, kindergarten flashback!!!"

Okay well that was kind of off topic but I took Studley Dudley to the vet for the first time yesterday and guess what? Dudley's a girl!! They asked me if I was going to change her name and I'm like "no...she's been Dudley all her life...that's her name".

I know it makes no sense but for some reason I seem to feel closer to her and favor her more sense I found out she was a girl...for some bizarre reason I must love girl cats more than boy cats...BUT I was overwhelmingly glad that Cooper was a boy so apparently I favor male human babies...

Now watch, the next cat we get will be a boy and I'll find out I'm pregnant with a little girl and I'll totally have to edit this post...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

VOMIT & ME

I always throw up outside. Anyone who knows me but at all, knows this. Throwing up inside is gross because there's the whole sticking your head in the toilet (UGH), holding on to the rim (ILLUGH) and then there's usually always spillage...(I'm gagging just thinking about it).


FLASHBACK TO PREGNANCY DAYS: I was so incredibly sick every day that I was pregnant I had to get really creative with methods and places to throw up. One night after we had eaten mexican (why did I even think that was a good idea?) anyway, it was about 3:00 am and I was sick, sick, sick. Cooper apparently did not like tacos...So I'm in the bathroom because as you can imagine with mexican, "throwing up" was not my only symptom...so I know I'll never make it outside but can't bring myself to barf in the toilet so I run to the bathtub and manage to puke like 45 times...now remember I'm pregnant, disoriented, it's the middle of the night and I generally don't have a ton of common sense. I decide to try and wash it down with water...unfortunately our tub was draining slow and the water was just making one giant vomit soup swirling around and around in our tub...*shudder* okay, so being that I was exhausted I just threw a bath towel over the water-vomit and went back to bed. Needless to say by the next morning it had all congealed to the bottom of the tub and Craig was not thrilled to find it there...(at least he didn't not look and just STEP into the tub...that would have been worse...)

BACK TO LAST NIGHT: similar scenario except substitute stomach virus for pregnancy and it was 4:00 am not 3:00 and also I was wearing my glasses that only have one lens so you have to picture it all with me looking like a pirate.

I was sick in the bathroom again and was in no way going to make it to the great outdoors. I held my head over the sink and let it rip. Unfortunately what I had for supper was chicken fetachini (okay I have no idea how to spell that) alfredo and oreos...not pleasant...

Afterwards I started to run water in the sink and of course IT DOESN'T DRAIN. Because plumbing that actually worked correctly would cause my brain to explode...and no one wants that...and keep in mind that I'm actually bent over the sink to get a closer look at what's going on because I am so very blind...

I go to get the magic fix-it, a walmart bag. If I could only scoop it up into the plastic bag and tie it I could forget about it and go back to bed...BUT no good vomit story is complete without some kind of perilous adventure. When I went to get paper towels (for the sopping up) we were out. (Of course we were)! When I got back to the bathroom Mercy (my most curious cat) was trying to see what was in the sink and if she could possibly eat it). GROSS. Getting the cat off the counter was a challenge because she was determined.

I was still stuck. Some of the water had drained but not all of it and of course non of the actual vomit because...well vomit was not meant to go down a drain...this I should have remembered...I worked with what I had. I used diapers (clean ones) to absorb and clean out the sink. Thank God for Luvs...my only other thought was to maybe open up like twenty maxi pads with wings and line the sink with them. I figured eventually they would have soaked it up.

And if nothing else it would have given Craig one more reason to shake his head and make fun of me.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Another One Bites the Dust...

I've done it. I've killed another vehicle. This brings my grand total up to 5. FIVE. I have been legally driving for 10 years so that means I average killing a car every 2 years. These are not good odds.

My mom pointed out that it was in no way my fault. But it is. The vehicle was in MY possession. In MY driveway. In MY protective care.

I have spent all morning thanking God that no one was hurt. Thank God Cooper wasn't in the van. Thank God I wasn't in the van. Thank God Craig wasn't in between the van and the truck. I am thankful but I still find the situation ironic...

Do you even know anyone else who has had a GARBAGE TRUCK'S emergency brake fail and the truck go barrelling backwards down a hill and crash into their vehicle and mash it in and push it down the driveway breaking the windows and the wheels? Do you? Oh, you don't? So I guess I'm the only one who can profess DEATH TO THE VAN BY RUNAWAY GARBAGE TRUCK.

SOFT ~n~ NASTY...

"Soft n Nasty" a quote from my husband yesterday.

He stayed home with our sick Coopasaurus and like a good house husband he did a few chores. When I got home all the clothes were gone out of the bathroom floor. I walked in the laundry room and commented on how good it smelled.

"Yumm it smells so...good in here...what did you do?" "It's just the detergent you bought, it smells really good!" At this point I'm thinking to myself "really? the purex I got for $1.99 on clearance? hmmmm. I didn't know it smelled that good..." Then Craig picked up the bottle of liquid he had ACTUALLY been using to "wash" the clothes. "Craig, that is Snuggle Bear (or whatever that cuddly little bear product is called). It's fabric softener...not detergent..." He shrugged, "Oh...well I guess our clothes will be SOFT ~n~ NASTY."

And that, right there, that's why I did it, that's why I married him, because of moments like that.

Friday, October 24, 2008

YOU NEED TO CHECK IT OUT

CHECK HER OUT --------------> http://jane4girls800dollarannualbudget.blogspot.com/

i just discovered her blog today so im not that familiar with, but apparently she documents every shopping trip and tells about her purchases and blogs about her savings. she also had some awesome recipies most of which are made to cook in bulk and freeze for later...AWESOME.

love,
shannon

Thursday, October 23, 2008

COOPER-5 MONTHS OLD!!!

Cooper,


You reached a milestone yesterday...while I was at work...you rolled over! Yay for mobility! Your Gran was afraid to tell me, afraid that I would be upset because I wasn't there but who could be upset about something as wonderful as motor skills?! I mean I only work at the dipper's one night a week so from now on if it's not too much trouble maybe you could save the really cute stuff for me, okay? But if you must manifest your new found knowledge somewhere else Gran and Grandpa Frosty's house is a good place! (I must admit though if you dare say "Aunt Bec" as your first words, pretty much, you'll be disowned...)


Wow. Five months old. Amazing. You still take my breath away. Every single morning when I look at you waking up in your crib and smiling at me and looking so happy to be alive I hate myself because I didn't get up thirty minutes earlier just so I could hold you and talk to you and be with you. Dropping you off at Ms. Karen's is hard because I miss you but I know that she loves you and you love her...and that helps.

Next week is halloween and you are going to be...A DINOSAUR!!! You have this absolutely adorable costume and you make the prettiest dinosaur ever! We're going to a halloween party this Saturday and you'll get to meet your great aunt glenda and great uncle phillip. Most of daddy's family will be there so we'll have a great time. You, of course will be the star! A green dinosaur star!

I love you so much. I just can't say it enough. I am SO thankful to God that He gave us you. I couldn't imagine our life without you. It would be so boring and drab and wouldn't contain any kind of "jungle themed" toys...you bring us laughter...you bring us life...

All day long I count down the hours until I get to be with you again. Right now there's seven...which is a lot...but we'll make it. One more day until the weekend then we get two whole days off together, yay!

I can't wait until Christmas, I have so many things swirling around in my mind that I want to get you. This time next year you'll be walking...and talking...and such a little man...I wish we could live in slow motion so that I could savour every single minute...except the occasional 2:30 feeding (to which I can't complain, there haven't been too many) but those I could fast forward through...no, not really...even at 2:30 am I love you unconditionally and I still love to wrap my arms around you. I'd not trade a minute for anything...

I don't know why I'm so sentimental today. I guess a combination of things. So I better wrap this up before I start crying at my desk, because it's one of those days that I'm going to cry at random things...commercials, songs, your smile, and under NO circumstances will I let your daddy watch Extreme Home Makeover because that will send me right over the edge...

I love you and in just a few short hours I'll be there to hold you again.

Love,
mama

Friday, October 17, 2008

When I Place an Order My Name Now Comes Up: PLEASE SPIT IN HER FOOD...A LOT

I hate papa john's. I really hate it. I don't like the pizza, the topping selection annoys me and the customer service sucks. "Why do I keep ordering from there?" you might ask. Basically because it's not quite as bad as dominoes and it's cheaper than pizza hut. In case you haven't noticed from my last forty posts, I. AM. CHEAP.


So because we had company coming I decided that I'd give it another try. I was tempted to order pizza hut...but, well you know...

So I looked online before we left the house to see what we wanted. I decided on "the special". Now let me also mention that I have a booster card that enables me to "buy one get one free" at papa john's. From previous experience I knew that I couldn't use the card in addition to the "special" but I also knew that they could sell me one pizza at regular price and I could get the other one free.


So we leave the house and I start my errands. About half way through I call to order the pizza. I ask about the "special" and am told that, that is an "internet special" and has to be ordered online. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?! No they were in fact not kidding but very serious I had to order online. UGH. So while on the phone I asked about the booster card. Yes I was reassured I could use the card and get charged regular price with one free and the total would be $16.99. Okay $16.99 for two pizzas, I could handle that. I mean it's cheaper than pizza hut but probably that's because pizza hut's two main ingredients aren't CARDBOARD & CRAP.


So I hang up, drive to my office, (out of my way) and order the pizza ONLINE as instructed and then waited around for at least 20 minutes. All the while Cooper is blissfully sleeping in the car but at the dangerous point of "could wake up any time and scream for hours". Also Stephie was in the van with him, no I did not leave him alone!


After what seems like forever, I get to papa john's. I go in and a worker shuffles to the front counter. Yes shuffles. No, he is not old. He gives me the total and of course it's wrong. I explain to him that I had the booster card and I was told that I could pay full price for one and get the other for free. He grimaces like his life is over and pushes some buttons and then says "I don't think I can do that because you ordered online." "REALLY!" Then I say "well I tried my DARNDEST to order on the phone and was told that I HAD to order online." "Hmmm" he says "hang on, maybe this will work. Okay I got it to go through." "Excellent" I hissed. "$21.08." I asked "so one is $16.99, the other is free and the extra sauce is $0.49 right?" He nodded. I handed him my debit card all the while thinking that sounded too high but since my math sucks and since "math in my head" sucks even more I waited until I got my receipt.

Sure enough they had charged me $18.39 for the pizza. SIGH. The shuffler had already shuffled his way to the back to do some other duty with the basic ability of a slug. I got someone else's attention, showed them the receipt and then explained what was going on. He looked confused, looked at the register, looked at the menu board and then desperately looked around for the shuffler. Finally the non-old man slowly made his way back up to the front SERIOUSLY KID, PICK UP YOUR FEET AND PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!!

He looked at the register, looked at the menu board and said "I guess the pizza is $18.39, that's what the receipt says"...(On the menu board the price for that "special" wasn't up there...of course). "You said it was $16.99. The girl on the phone said it was $16.99". "I guess that was wrong because the register says $18.39". I just wanted to scream, "WHY ARE YOU A MORON...with two FAKE gimp legs?!?!" Then he says "hang on let me do something for you." "Finally, I thought, maybe he's going to adjust the price or give me a credit on my next visit for $2.00 or SOMETHING". Instead he shuffled (I kid you not), to the other register and printed me out another receipt. WHAT?! How in the FLOCK does that help in the least?! I already have a receipt, it has the wrong total on it.


So I gave up, defeated. I took my overcharged, cold cardboard and crap and went home with it. I was tired. I was hungry. I let them win.

I will give papa john's props for one thing. I do like how they push condiments. I love condiments and have been dipping my pizza in marinara or ranch since before it was cool. And if you're a condiment lover like me or a fat kid, as much as you hate to admit it you have to admire a place that will ENCOURAGE you and persuade you to dip pizza (probably the greasiest, fattiest food known to man) into a small container of pure butter.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Do you even know where THAT goes?!

(a post from yesterday)

As I sit here and write this I feel like a CRAP-A-DOODLE. In case you aren't familiar with that term it technically means "feeling really crappy and probably on the brink of death".


Even though I'm pretty sure it's fairy warm outside I have my office heater on because I'm chilling. I can barely open my eyes because my head hurts and ears are popping and my throat sucks really bad. Also my back hurts, my legs and feet are throbbing and my uterus is trying to single handedly kill me. Now if that doesn't define CRAP-A-DOODLE I don't know what would.


The first symptoms were my back and uterus so I blamed my period. (Which I now don't feel is completely at fault although it surely isn't helping). Next my head, eyes and ears exploded, to which I attributed to the fact that I lost my contacts this morning and was wearing my sucky glasses. Later I got more contacts, head still exploding. Then I figured that Craig had conveniently passed his germs to me since he went to the doctor today to find out he doesn't have strep, but some type of virus. Now with my legs, feet and the chilling I'm wondering if maybe it's not my very own version of the flu...


Yuck.


I very rarely get sick so when I do I guess I'm kind of a whiner. Okay I know I'm very much a whiner. But anyway, so Craig was at walmart getting his meds and I asked him if he would pick me up a box of tampons. All the while I've been complaining of how bad I feel and the fact that everything hurts and useful trivia like that. So Craig finds the specific box that I want and I ask how much it is. "$4.57." "WHAT?! For a tiny box like that?!" Craig is now fumbling through all the tampon boxes making sure he hasn't accidentally picked up the size labeled "GIANT ECONOMY, WILL LAST UNTIL MENOPAUSE". "I'm sorry, that's the smallest box they have." "UUUhghhghgh, I moan, just never mind I know I have a coupon at home I'll wait until I have that with me." "But baby if you're hurting like that you need these NOW!" "What?" "You need these now because you're hurting so bad." "What?"


At this point I'm really confused because what does he think tampons do? They're not some kind of miracle drug guaranteed to cure all that ails you...a necessity sure, but by no means "just what I need to feel better". Because he is obviously (even if in his "man innocence") trying to be nice and do me a favor I let all this go and just tell him to go ahead and chop off his arm and let them know I'll be there later to give them my leg.

Now that I've lost all faith in my husband's knowledge of tampons, I have to ask myself, "does he even know where they go?"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Do you want to be raised by Wolves? (scratch that) CATS?!

Cooper-

You're my sweet little boy except in the morning time and then you're mommy's little terror...you wake up in an awesome mood, cooing, talking, kicking your legs, then we change your diaper and you're smiling and basically melting my heart. Then comes the really traumatic part...the part where I can't hold you or give you my absolute undivided attention because I must get ready myself...this baffles you and you feel that the only reasonable thing to do is SCREAM. AND SCREAM. AND YELL. And then scream a little more for good measure just in case I didn't hear you right.

So I'm running back and forth from the bathroom to the living room half naked, dangling toys in front of you, handing you paci's, all the while keeping an eye on our GLASS DOOR to make sure no meter readers or door to door salesmen or neighbors stop by because, um, did I mention that I'm naked? And you're all like "I. Hate. This. Toy. I want it to die!" And I'm like Cooper, look it's your penguin, yay for penguins, you LOVE your penguin!" And you're like "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRTGGGGGGGGGGGGGGJHJHJHJHJHJHJHH"

I bought you a JUMPEROO!!! in hopes that it would occupy you long enough in the morning time so that I could get ready without the chaos. Your JUMPEROO!!! that you love in the afternoon you HATE in the morning! You hate that JUMPEROO!!! You angrily slam the toys and scream to drown out the jungle sounds and you ultimately refuse to jump.

It's not as if I require a lot of time getting ready. Have you seen me lately? I take my showers at night (when I'm lucky) and when I don't I usually go without because, well that's just my lot in life. To be stinky... Anyway I'm not into hair and makeup. My face is naked and my hair I usually just pull up so basically we're talking bare minimum, I just need time to brush my teeth, put contacts in and cloth my body. And even if that only takes ten minutes it's too long when someone is SCREAMING until he's choking and then I have to take time to run out NAKED! and see about you and make sure that you keep breathing even though I feel that sometimes you just want to stop because your life is so very horrible.

So this is our routine. You keep on screaming while I pack the diaper bag. Even if I pick you up at this point you don't care, nothing can console you, NOTHING. Then we walk outside. Instant silence. You look around, you smile, you're all like "the world is good again! I want to live, I want to be part of this magnificent place where the air smells good and the sun is shinning and we live amongst hundreds of those kitty cat things..."

It's like magic. It's incredible. At first I'm always like, "wait, have I gone deaf", but no NO, you're actually happy! You're in the great outdoors and this is wonderful and amazing and you're back to mommy's sweet boy giving me smiles and "talking" and letting me know that you forgive me and you love me again...

So tomorrow's routine is going to involve me setting you outside in your carseat while I get ready. I could still keep an eye on you through the glass door...basically I think that the cats would do a really good job raising you...

I love you!
love,
mommy
<><><><

Monday, October 13, 2008

Top ten things that have kept me from working this fine monday...

Number 10: fantasizing about food...

Number 9: random text messages to becca involving ear candles, lesbians, and a certain person's head exploding

Number 8: things like http://www.dooce.com/ and http://www.abdpbt.com/

Number 7: thinking about whether you are still reading this or maybe if you used my links and now are caught up in another blogger's world, thus forgetting all about me...

Number 6: wondering why I don't use words like THUS more often...

Number 5: text messaging to ask if cooper is still breathing...a question that i ask more often than 5000 times a day...

Number 4: counting down the days until Christmas...there's 72

Number 3: squinting and blinking because my contacts are way too old and im too cheap to go back to the eye doctor...

Number 2: making other random lists like "what i need to buy at walmart" or "what i need to clean at my house" or "ways to take over the world"...wait....forget i said that...

and the NUMBER 1 REASON I'VE DONE NOTHING TODAY IS: i am the most FANTASTICAL, amazing WONDEROUS procrastinator you'll ever meet...but i'm fun..does that count?

Random Wonderings of my Brain on a Monday

-ok so like 2 months until Christmas!

-i wish cooper would just get teeth already so he doesnt have to run a fever and scare the crap out of me

-anytime it rains i always wish i was in construction so i could stay home and sleep

-i've been guilty of wishing for a handicap when i cant find a parking spot

-i could eat a hot dog every day

-i could eat spaghetti every day

-i could eat tacos every day

-i DID eat spaghetti everyday when i was preggo with coop

-i hate math

-craig hates math

-angela hates math

-becca and gretchen hate spanish

-sometimes i really really hate my job

-i have adorable cats...sometimes...

-3 cats is the perfect number

-im still waiting on that kitty farm

-DID I MENTION THAT CHRISTMAS IS 2 MONTHS AWAY?!

-Thanksgiving is bound to be FIASCO-filled

-why must my family (or is it just me?), (or is it just craig's family?) NO its definitely all of us, why must we all thrive on FIASCO?

-why is it a year later and i still dont have a car?

-why is it that i have absolutely no ambition about some things?

-i really want to have a fall extravaganza bananza-is it too late to plan it?

-i could eat tastefully simple every day.

-did i mention that i could eat spaghetti every day?

-i had spaghetti last night...i was going to bring it for lunch...then i forgot...FRICK!

-i could eat bacon every day...

-MY GOSH, IM HUNGRY

-i should try bacon in tacos...OR bacon on spaghetti...yummmmm

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It Just Doesn't Make Good Sense...

I received an email from a company which I had ordered checks from the last time we were out. Since we are currently out of checks again I actually opened the email to see if they were having a great internet sale...no. As it turns out IF I was a new customer I could get my 2nd box of checks for only $0.10 but since I am a recurring customer my 2nd box of checks would be a hefty $10.95! SERIOUSLY?! It's like I'm being punished for being a repeat customer...it's like the stores that give you the card with punchouts and everytime you visit you get a punchout and after you fill up your card you get a prize, except their way of rewarding you is asking you bend over so they can simultaneously kick you and post a "sucker" sign on your back...REALLY?!

So this prompted me to look for another online site to order checks from and low and behold they were having a "new customer" sale too and since I'm a new customer to them that's where I'll be ordering checks from and I'm guessing it's safe to say that from now on until the ends of our lives I will use a different check company every single time we run out of checks...

I Think I Want To Live On a Kitty Farm

I got the idea from Beth and I decided that yes, I too want to live on a kitty farm. I have plenty of available land where I live, I mean I can't think of anything that would make my grandma (who's land is previously was) or my dad (who's land it technically is) prouder than if I rounded up hundreds of stray cats and put them there...yeah that was sarcasm...BUT my MOM (who's land it also technically is) would like it...I think...

Craig was disgruntled at Studley Dudley the other day when his tiny claws penetrated our couch. In his exasperated mood he declared that "of course I don't care if the cats destroy every material thing that we own because if it was up to me I would have 75 cats". Nothing could be closer to the truth.

I feel that cats are sometimes overlooked as tossed to the side, treated not as important as *dogs*...now don't get me wrong, dogs are okay, I don't think I've ever met an animal I actually don't like but cats have got to be my favorite. And I know there are others like me. Now all I have to do is round these people up and we can start making plans...

I have a vision: a wildlife sanctuary made up entirely of cats. With trees and treats and jingly balls and the catnip will grow wild and the milk and honey will flow freely...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Text Conversation between Becca and Me, just now

Becca's Location: apparently on the football field after school

My Location: alone at my desk (like usual)

Becca: -sigh-theyre practicin for homecoming. homecoming girls are so stupid.

Me: that wasnt very nice but it was very random and for that i appreciated it...

Becca: yeah well sometimes the truth hurts. and sometimes random truth hurts even worse.

Me: that made me lol and then snort at my desk

The Ability to Counterfeit Free Cat Litter Coupons at my fingertips...

Because I am so very cheap I look for online deals to sign up for various free things. One thing that I was particularly excited about was a free bag of purina cat litter. (a value up to $6.99) Woo hoo! So I filled out the form and the purina company sent me in the REGULAR MAIL a paper coupon to go redeem my prize...I was giddy with the excitement of free stuff and I was drunk on the sense of ABSOLUTE CHEAPNESS and the possibility of actually saving almost $7.00...

So I headed to walmart (yuck!). They did not carry this type of cat litter. It's okay, I consoled myself, this just meant I got to stick the coupon in my COUPON BINDER in the FREE section...I could feel myself getting excited again...

We (me, mom, cooper, angela and the most reluctant becca and her friend, heather) trekked to Ingles to scour for deals and freebies and more money saving...I found the litter-YES!!! Muwahaha! When we reached the checkout and the lowly cashier boy scanned my items and told me my total I smugly handed him my coupon which he looked at, turned over, starred at and finally called a manager...aughhhh...she handed the coupon back. (In a most nasal voice): 'I'm sorry but we don't accept internet coupons for free items." "It's not an internet coupon." She looked at it again, "looks like it and we don't take internet coupons for free items." "Ummm okay well do you take manufacturers coupons because that's what it is! The manufacturer send it to me in the MAIL." "Ma'am we cannot accept this." WHAT THE FRICK?!

Okay this coupon was literally burning a hole in my binder. Every time I opened the binder there it would be, taunting me, like saying, "I'm worth almost seven whole dollars but for some reason fate is against you and it's not meant to be and I'll just sit here and expire in this forsake binder and it will be like the evil grocery store managers won yet again!" I was determined, "No little coupon. No freebie coupon should ever die a lonely life in a binder. It should get to play out it's part in destiny and get cashed in for free product...it needs to fulfill it's purpose."

I went to J&J. I found the litter. I tentatively walked to the counter. Carefully not making eye contact with the cashier I handed her the coupon. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her biting her lip and starring hard at the coupon. Finally she looked at me. "I don't think I can take internet coupons." "It's not an internet coupon! If you can't take it fine but I swear to you the manufacturer sent it to me in the mail!" A man was working beside her. He looked at it. You can take that. "Are you sure?" she asked uncertainly. He nodded. Then she happened to flip it over and I could see the tension leave her face, "Oh look it has the security backing, now I know it's valid."

If only I had noticed before my Ingle's trek that the back of the coupon was covered in (I don't know the official name) but like water mark things that say "purina" diagonally across it then I would have most definitely pointed this out to all those who deemed me a liar and then I would have pointed out that if that coupon had indeed come from the internet and if I did in fact have a printer with the capability of creating security backed paper AND IF I had the ability to forge such document I can assure you that I would spend my time counterfeiting money NOT falsifying fake cat litter coupons...