Wednesday, December 3, 2008

THE *puppy* MOTHER OF ALL PET PEEVES

~So I'm sitting out front at my lovely job and someone calls and they're like "yeah...ummm..do you like got the number for....ya know....like my probation officer...? "Who is your probation officer?" "ummmm I don't know like his name or nothin..." "okay...well there are several I'll just give the number to one." "do you think it'll...like...be the one I need...?" I DON'T KNOW SIR, WHY DON'T YOU STOP ROLLING YOUR DOOBIES LONG ENOUGH TO FIND YOUR *puppy* PAPERWORK AND FIND THE NAME OF OWN FREAKIN *puppy* PROBATION OFFICER AND THEN CALL ME BACK!!!!



~(a phone conversation):

me: sheriff's office

caller: hey!

me: hello.

caller: could you give me the number to the probate court?

me: sure, it's 706-

caller: WAIT! I don't have a pen!

me: okay.

caller: (background noise) HEY LEROY! LE-ROY! YOU GOT A PEN?!

leroy: A WHAT?!

caller: A PEN. A PENCIL. SOMETHIN TO WRITE WITH!

leroy: WHAT IN THE #%&* ARE YOU YELLIN ABOUT. I CAN'T HEAR MY WRESTLIN!

caller: DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MY MAMA WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU. I SHOULD TAKE THIS FRYING PAN AND HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD!

me: UH, MA'AM...MA'AM! I'M STILL HERE...

caller: YOU SORRY PIECE O CRAP, GET OFF YOUR LAZY @#$ AND GET A *puppy* JOB! WHERE THE %#^*& DID I PUT MY GUN?!

me: MA'AM! MA'AM!! DO YOU NEED AN OFFICER?! HELLO?!

caller: hey, I'm back. sorry about that, had to find me a pen!

me: umm is everything okay?

caller: right as rain, I'm ready for that number now!



~A CONVERSATION IN THE FRONT LOBBY:

me: how can I help you?

man: I need to get fingerprinted for a gun permit

me: (pointing) okay just walk around the side of the building, through the double doors.

man: around this side (pointing)

me: yes sir, just around the side, through the double doors

(as he's walking out the door I see him turn the wrong way...)

(5 minutes later)

man: uh ma'am I hate bother you again but I walked around and couldn't find any doors

me: (standing up and pointing and gesturing) you walk THAT way around THAT side of the building and go through THAT set of doors

man: okay thank you ma'am

(6 minutes later)

man: ma'am...

me: yes?

man: I found the doors but there wasn't nobody at that desk

me: did you see the front window? did you see the sign? the sign that said PLEASE RING FOR ASSISTANCE? did you ring the bell? DID YOU? no you didnt? okay well then that would be wherein your problem lies...that and the fact that you are SO STUPID you cant follow simple direction like around the MOTHER *puppy* SIDE OF THE BUILDING! I mean seriously sir DO YOU NEED A GUN? because frankly if you can't find the side of the building and you clearly aren't capable of ringing a *puppy* *puppy* bell then I'm not sure that I want you packin heat!

2 comments:

Lexie McCrillis said...

Those are great stories Shannon! I swear I could listen to you tell stories all day long....

angela said...

911 operator- "911 state your emergency"
white trash guy-"my wife won't get out the stove"
911 operator-"is she tryin to kill herself sir?"
white trash guy-"no she just won't get out the stove"
911 operator-"we'll send someone around"