Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Cooper, seriously, are you trying to kill your mommy?

Well are you? You know your mama is a little neurotic and crazy and physco and she is constantly worried that you'll some how smother and stop breathing? I mean seriously it is her biggest fear. You know that, right?

Believe me, I'm all excited for you that you discovered your hands and now you've learned that you can take those tiny pinchers and put the death grip on something and there is no way it's ever getting away...I mean it's not that much fun when it's my arm that you've trapped with your fists of fury and then you proceed to try and make mommy bleed with your dagger claws that we call baby fingernails.

But anyway, I now know that you are perfectly capable of grabbing your blanket and pulling it all the way over your head. Yep, I saw you do it. And again. And again. And again until i finally threatened you that I would put those awful mittens on your hands and take away your new found freedom of "grasping".

You would look at daddy, look at me, grab the blanket and proceed to cover your head with it and sometimes even start stuffing it in your mouth. Daddy would laugh, you would giggle and I would freak the crap out! "No, you can not put the blanket over your head" I would say in my most stern mommy voice. You would then look at daddy again, smile and start all over...

If you want to grab something how about your feet. Other babies do that and it's super cute! And basically I don't think I'd worry that you could suffocate on your seriously you could stuff those suckers in your mouth all day long and I'd be like "hey look, Cooper's all suckin his toes again!" and I wouldn't have to shriek hysterically and say things like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD, THAT HE'S TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF AND TAKE ME DOWN WITH HIM?!"

Your daddy already makes fun of me and said you look like you're in a straight jacket when I get you ready for bed because I swaddle you in a blanket to prevent "accidental suffocation". This was before I knew you were suicidal. Now i have to look up "how to prevent baby from eating own blanket in sleep" on the internet and find new ways to probably make you even more uncomfortable at bedtime.

When I mentioned this new found fetish of your's to Ms. Karen (your fabulous baby sitter), she non-chalantly said "oh yeah he does that over here all the time, he really likes to sleep with something over his head, i guess it makes him feel secure". WHAT?! He sleeps with stuff over his head?! Not cool! I was like "oh my gosh what about him suffocating?!" She laughed at me too. Then she proceeded to take your thin blankie and cover her mouth and nose with it and demonstrate how she could still breath...however she got distracted and said "wow that smells good, what kind of laundry detergent are you using?"

So we may have gotten a little off track and you may think I'm distracted and I'm not paying attention to your wiley ways but know this: come tonight if you so much as grab the edge of that blankie with your chubby little paws I'll crank up the heat until we feel like we're at grandma mincey's house and I'll strip you down to your diaper and see how you like being a "nakkie baby"! And while you're laying there all bored with nothing to gnaw on think about discovering your feet because...well...basically they're very munchable and not at all a choking hazard!

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