Living in a small town has it’s disadvantages. One being total lack of privacy. It’s basically impossible to keep a secret here...especially a juicy one...
Even though technically there are about four places to buy a pregnancy test in our town Walmart seems to be the lesser of evils. When you’re buying a pg test you want a certain amount of privacy. A sense of discretion. This is hard to come by in mayberry.
Walmart has a place that can only be referred to as The Wall of Shame. It contains things...private things. It starts out with mildly embarrassing things: pills for heartburn, upset stomach, tums, mylanta, things of that nature. You keep walking and you get into your diarrhea/constipation meds, you can pick up a fleet enema or if the need arises some immodium.
The closer you get to the pharmacy the more intimate the items become. Now we've reached our personal lubricants and k-y jelly inspired massage oils. After the oils you see condoms (male and the slightly brazzen/still not accepted in the south female condom).
Then there they are. Proudly displayed right at eye level: those miracle sticks that with just a few drops of pee can change your life forever.
The best thing to do is wait until at least 10:00 p.m., after the pharmacy is closed and the crowd has died down. Next hit the clothing aisle first (a must for any pg test buying adventure). Select something sufficient enough to bury and cover the test you will be buying. You see in our town if you run into someone you know at Walmart (and you will), they'll want to stop and chat. And while they ask "how yer mama-n-diddy is doin" they'll prop on your buggy and peer inside to see if there's anything interesting...a pregnancy test is definitely interesting! A pregnancy test seen by the wrong person could snowball into a disaster of epic proportion by the time you reach the parking lot.
From my last pregnancy test buying adventure, the one we got the goods on ;) I did the regular pg test protocol, I made a pass down the main aisle with my buggy and casually glanced down the Wall of Shame. Yes! It was empty! I made another pass and dashed to the section that I needed. While quickly trying to pick out which brand I felt would give me accurate results yet not cost my weight in gold, out of the corner of my eye I could see several people make the main aisle pass and look inconspicuously toward The Wall and then curse to themselves and keep walking and I just thought to myself, "MUWAHAHA KEEP WALKIN' SUCKAS, THE WALL IS OCCUPIED!!!"
Then you self-check out, (another great invention that I think must have been created for the sole purpose of buying condoms, pregnancy tests and tampons.
Speaking of buying tampons this one time when Eckerd was still Eckerd I went in to buy a pack of pads (the only item I purchased) and the cashier (a guy) asked me if I wanted a bag. I thought to myself "gosh no I wouldn't want to burden you for a bag, please Please let me just sashay out with my huge pack of ‘overnights with wings’ under my arms." I don't care if you are the biggest tree-hugging, mother-earth loving hippie there is and the only bag you have is a giant plastic one, jumbo Christmas tree size that will inevitably rot on planet earth for 45 years KNOW THIS, if I'm buying condoms, pregnancy tests or feminine products I want a flippin’ bag.